Dream the Impossible Dream

As mothers you just really cannot tell us that some things are impossible. One of my favorite books is Lewis Carroll's "Alice in Wonderland". On my refrigerator right now is a magnet with the quote from the Red Queen who states "... I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." Now if I were to tell my husband he was to get Natalia up, dressed, pottied, fed, teeth brushed, hair styled (not just brushed, we are talking matching ribbons and all), clothes styled (again, matching), book bag organized, snack ready, pep talk, dog fed, dog pottied, car warmed up and everyone in the warmed up car with a coffee in hand for mommy (who is in jammie pants because you have to cut corners somewhere) all in the span of 25 minutes; he would tell me that was impossible. Well I think I believe in well over six impossible things before breakfast every school morning, don't you? Three snaps in a Z formation for Mommy, the Red Queen.

The past couple of weeks I have been working on a different mission impossible. I am trying to brainwash my child. It's not as easy as those koolaid drinking, white tennis shoe wearing people have made it out to be. Either that, or Natalia is just not a very good candidate. I guess I'll thank God for that, but ask for some divine help on my specifics. Here's my Christmas wish: How do you make something that is important to me, important to her? We usually agree on the important stuff like glitter goes with everything and that it's the shoes that make an outfit. Why can't she also understand that everything she has learned cannot be counted if she won't write it down - legibly. It's like charting: If you didn't chart it, it didn't happen. She doesn't get that one either.

My child isn't dumb, doesn't have a learning disability and doesn't need to be diagnosed with some sort of alphabet soup or anything more than maybe a case of second grade apathy. I mean, I can kind of see her point. When asked by her teacher, she knows the answers to all of the questions. Natalia just doesn't want to take the time to write any of it down. She has other things she would like to do, like recess, computers, or catching up on her conspiracy theory gossip regarding the triangle people (they are all around us!). If she was an adult and lived in L.A. she would have a personal assistant who could write it all down for her, but in the meantime, she is getting failing grades on her seat work. Ouch.

Finally I had to get all hard core with Natalia and make her (let's all grab our hearts like we are about to have a coronary) HANDLE IT HERSELF! Oh the pain and agony of a mother not stepping in to micromanager her child's existence. Brutal! This "Oprah Ah-ha Moment" came about when I found Natalia's report card on a Monday morning after she had been at Grandma's house for the weekend. She had got 1's (lowest grade) in handwriting and whatever way they label her seat work. We have been on Natalia about this since parent/teacher conferences about a month ago. Our goal for her had been for her to slow down  and only write down correct answers as opposed to what she has been doing - turning in bogus answers to questions she isn't even reading so she can be the first one done or head out to recess. Our pleading with Natalia after parent/teacher conferences did cause some tears, but had no effect. Neither did taking away all but an hour of TV a day. I thought we would have her at that one. That is when I changed tactics.

That Monday Morning I explained to Natalia that 1's are unacceptable and that daddy, Ms. Penney and I have all tried to help her and discuss what to do to make her go slowly. I told her that us talking about it isn't helping so I was going to drive her to school and she was going to have to take her report card to Ms. Penney and ask Ms. Penney directly what she could do to make her grades better. I also told her that these grades are her responsibility because I have already finished second grade and that it is her turn. I can't do this for her, she has to do it for herself. I drew a heart with a Sharpie on the inside palm of her hand and kissed it so she would think of me when she saw the heart and know I was with her in spirit, so to speak. I told her that I would not stay at that meeting with her because this was between she and Ms. Penney.

She didn't throw a tantrum, she didn't argue, but she was quiet on the way to school. I checked her in and walked her to the classroom. With her report card in hand, she went up to Ms. Penney's desk and said "Ms. Penney, can I talk to you about my 1's?" I kissed her on the head and walked away.... then I started to tear up. I was so proud of her and wanted so badly to go back and talk for her, fix it, hold her and tell her that it's okay. That wouldn't really fix anything, now would it?

Now Natalia gets all 3's (the highest) on all of her class work and is actually going to be skipping ahead to the third grade next week because we have discovered that she is really a child prodigy and was just bored in class. Just kidding. She is still rushing through her work and would rather talk with her friends than finish her seat work. Seriously, I don't even know what this magical seat work is, and why can't she just be quarantined or something so she isn't so distracted? She has asked to be moved to a quieter spot, so that is our next step. The point is that in spite of the urging of her parental units and her fabulous teacher, we still cannot make her see that any of this is important. She just pacifies us with twenty minutes of taking in all of our lecturing, then goes about her class days with business as usual. What's a mom to do? Keep believing the impossible, of course.

There are times that I lose the faith and would rather just get mad at Natalia for her not doing things my way (hence the Red Queen, all things are My Way), but then I look back and realize that she will get it done in her own way and probably at the very last moment. That drives me nuts. Same destination, different journey. Maybe I'll call her the White Queen someday, but only when she moves out because this week we had the discussion that there can be only one Queen per household. This was followed by "all things in this house are mine, even things bought by other people" (she's sharp and you have to quickly cover your loop holes) and she is never to throw any of my things, EVER. Right now she is having a horrible time sleeping and is being extra difficult, so I know that she is about to conquer a milestone. I'm hoping it's the educational milestone and not some gross motor skills thing.

Yeah! More Queen mommy sitting back and watching. I'd like to think that I am lounging back all "Mother in the Hampton's" style, sipping on something with vodka. Realistically I am "Mother in Braces" sitting on the edge of the sofa, drinking iced tea from a Subway cup I should have thrown away a week ago and grinding those pretty braces to nubs. Either way, different journey, same destination right? I'll just get a "Mother Hampton's" hat and believe what I want.

Southern Comfort

I'll warn you up front, this blog may be a little heavy on the Shauna and lighter on the mommy/Natalia thing. It was a rough week at the office.

Okay, think back to when your little angel (they are always sweet and perfect in hind sight) was smaller and she had her comfort object. Natalia has had a few, but nothing that she had to take with her everywhere she went. I do remember her being around two months old and me crying in the pediatricians office to the nurse because Natalia would nurse almost constantly and I was so tired. The nurse lovingly took Natalia from my arms so I could have a mini melt down and told me "Hon, she's not eating, she's just using you as a pacifier." She would never take to the plastic kind and constantly having her attached to me was no longer an option. The gig was up, but she had me going for a while.

Besides Natalia's bedtime friends Slippin' Booty (okay, I'm making fun of her toddler mispronunciation of Sleeping Beauty) and John Bear, her other tried and true soother is hair. Specifically my hair. When I would hold her over my shoulder and she was either upset or ready to conk out, she would reach over my shoulder, around my neck and rub my hair between her thumb and fingers. Although it seems like eons ago, I used to be able to pick her up while she was sleeping without herniating a disc and unconscious and all, she would still reach her little hand behind my neck to rub my hair. She simply cannot resist playing with my bangs when we are having an eye level "coming to Jesus meeting" about something important and when she is sleeping and my hair isn't available, she rubs her own bangs. She wakes up with this little Treasure Troll looking tuft of hair in the front sometimes. Too cute. Aah, comfort.

Like I said, I had a super, five miles horrible bad day at the office. Now because I am a nurse and because I have to keep my patient's confidentiality, I can't go into specifics. I'll do as much dancing around the details as I can to respect her privacy and keep my job.

My patient was mean to me. Now, I have been in an ER for seven years now and people are mean to me all the time. It's okay, I can take it. Like I said to one of my co-workers that day "At least I don't work on the floor where I would have her for 12 hours, three days a week." The plan was for her to be admitted if I could only get the order for a bed upstairs. In the meantime, she had fired me as her nurse several times (which I told her was not an option), been on the call light at least every twenty minutes or so, was demanding, degrading, tried to pick fights multiple times, spent her entire ER stay yelling and screaming and loudly had been calling me some very unlady-like names. I realized about five hours into her stay that she needed comfort that she was never going to get through and IV, so I prayed at her bedside. My prayers are pretty much how I talk to y'all because it seems silly to put on a front for God. I don't know if you know this, but He reads minds! Crazy, right?! This was my prayer: "God, this woman is horrible and mean, but sad. Please give her some comfort. She's still horrible. Amen." Hey. I am who I am.

Of course she didn't know I was praying about her. I mean, how could she? She was too busy asking me if I was a sadist who enjoyed seeing people in pain. I did the best I could to make her content. Of course it didn't work, but I did my part. Unfortunately she died suddenly and unexpectedly. There are a lot more details to this story, but trust me that this was devastating enough. In my seven years of nursing I have never walked in on a patient who was dead that I had just checked on fifteen minutes before. I'm not talking "circling the drain" or agonal. This woman was dead. She finally got her comfort, so I guess God was listening after all.

As you could well imagine, I needed some comfort. There was no way I could keep it together on this one. I have amazing co-workers who helped me clean up the mess, sort out my other patients and take over while I left the floor to sit on the curb outside in the ambulance bay. The patient's admitting doctor came out, sat with me and gave me reassurance and a big hug. That was comforting, but what I needed was Natalia's equivalent of hair rubbing. That would be My Jeremy. I called him and told him I needed him to come to the hospital because when my world is falling apart, he steadies me. He got there like my black knight all in uniform, hugged me and helped me recap things in a logical way rather than my hysterical Shauna crazy-pants state I was in. I made it through the rest of my shift that day (barely) and Jeremy took the rest of his shift off so he could meet me at home with flowers and a cheeseburger.

Earlier that day, way before all this drama, I had a sweet patient that I actually enjoyed talking to. We got on the subject of kids and how her one regret is that her son is an only child and has no siblings to comfort him when she and her husband are gone. Ugh! The singleton guilt. It comes around every once in a while, but after Saturday night I have a different perspective. Given Natalia isn't some sort of a social leper, she will be just fine. If God gifts her even half the quality of amazing people that have surrounded me since my no good, horrible, very bad day, she will be comforted. Family is what you make it. It may be a dear friend who's hair she plays with when I am sick or gone, or maybe she will have an amazing husband with longer hair. Although I don't know how I feel about that. I'm kind of partial to men with short hair. Whatever the case, I feel really sad for the patient who had no one there to comfort her, but I am thankful for all the loving people I have around me. I have to give a special thank you and shout out to Christine, Amy C. and Kelly - oh, and My Jeremy, of course.

From the Mouth of Babes

So, I am thinking this is going to be a blog that I won't want to show Natalia until she's a bit older. It has to do with her language evolution and a shocker she threw out there to Jeremy and I on Tuesday night. Let me set the stage for you. Natalia has had some time off of school since last Friday and so have I. You know what this means.... Late nights and lots of family time. By Tuesday night she had been staying up late every night since Friday, we had just had our Thanksgiving celebration the night before with lots of family and friends over and as you can well imagine, it was catching up with her. She was totally out of sorts and Jeremy and I weren't helping things along at all. We had a Groupon for dinner and she was all over the place at the dinner table - totally unlike her. Then we decided to hit a couple of stores and I promised her a craft for the next day since I left for work at 10:30 and Jeremy would be sleeping for another hour or so. Well what was next to the craft store? A couple of home stores all decked out with Christmas-y stuff. I mean really, who could resist? Then TJ Maxx was open until 9:30, which was totally, like a sign we should go there, right?

Okay, so as parents we had pushed the limit of a tired, overstimulated, off her schedule, off her rocker, totally labile child. She actually does really well in spite of her Natalia style meltdown. They are really tame compared to some other parent's stories I've heard, so I can't complain. She was playing hide and seek in the middle of the clothing displays while I was trying to look for sweaters for her when she knocked a couple of sweaters off the hanger. As frustrating as that was, she took it upon herself to hang the sweaters back up and apologized, all the while laughing in that creepy "I'm about to lose it any second" kind of way. I got frustrated and said "Okay, let's go. You are being a pest and need to go to bed." That was it. She didn't protest, we found daddy and left the store. Might I add without spending a dime, thank you very much.

Natalia spends the drive home quietly playing on Jeremy's phone, we pull into the driveway and then she lets it fly. Okay - be prepared for some potty talk because I am quoting my child and even I will blush as I type this. "Mommy made me sad because she said we had to leave the store because I was being a pussy!"............. Oh My Gosh.

First of all, I don't even want to say the name of the movie "Puss in Boots" because it's embarrassing let alone use the "P" word ever. Jeremy knows this, so we looked at each other and tried not to laugh at my sweet cherub using such a vulgar word. Jeremy asked her to repeat herself just to make sure we heard her correctly. Ya know, every once in a while your kid will say something that sounds like a cuss word, but she was just mispronouncing something or making up words and has no idea what she said. I ignore those. Nope. She repeated this verbatim. I asked her if she knew what it meant. Okay, now when she was complaining about my rudeness to her she was loudly bawling and carrying on. All of a sudden she realized that something was up and clear and calm as could be said, "No. What does it mean?" It's amazing how she can turn off the drama so quickly when she wants to.

So here is another one of those panic moments when you have to think quick on your parental high heels. This is my explanation of cussing to Natalia: Cuss words are usually bad words to describe potty words. We were watching TV (a prime time show on ABC, mind you) a week before and they said the word "ass". She knew right away that was a cuss word and told me she won't say that. I told her that "ass" is another word for butt, the "sh" word is another word for poop and the word "pussy" (ewe!) is another word for a girls potty or vagina. These are the cuss words I knew she was already familiar with. Jeremy pipes in and says that there are different cuss words for other boy body parts too. She wanted to know what those are, but increasing her inner obscenity thesaurus was not the point of our conversation. I told her that cuss words are ugly and that no matter how beautiful someone is on the outside, if they use ugly words it makes them appear ugly. She was right on board with this and told me that it is is the things people say and think that makes a person beautiful. Okay, see me fanning my face with misty eyes all proud mama, beauty pageant winner style right now.

Since I knew she had that concept down, I told her that the best thing to do is to always find clever words to describe something without having to cuss. Jeremy told her that someday she will want to say ugly things because some of her friends will talk that way. This is yet another one of those times when she looks at us like we are poor pathetic parents who have a combined IQ of about 100, but she tolerates us anyway. She assured us she will not fall prey to the potty mouth peer pressure. I told her that there are always funny words she can use instead and told her that instead of the "P" word she could use peekachoo. Whoops. Why the whoops? She thought this word is in fact hilarious and she is so proud to use this word for the rest of the night. Picture my darling seven year old dancing around the house in her undies laughing and singing "I'm shaking my peekachoo, I'm shaking my peekachoo." That was not the point I was going for. Jeremy just looked at me while trying not to laugh and simply says "Nice job."

You may be wondering where my little piece of human perfection heard this nasty word. I blame the playground. You just cannot insulate your child from other children and whatever they pick up from their families and older siblings. I assume the kids who pass this information along to children as young as this have tween or teen siblings. It's fascinating fodder for a second grader and must be passed on at recess, even if that child has no idea what any of that means. Jeremy and I are not cussers. Well, I have to admit an "sh" word has spewn from my mouth all Exorcist style a couple times when I have been pulled over by police and Natalia was with me. Of course, the words "stupid" and "hate" are also bad words in my house and I am also guilty of those a time or two. I can assure all of you that the "P" word is not a part of my vocabulary, and since Natalia obviously had no idea what she was saying, she didn't get in trouble or yelled at for her obscenity. Just a loving "coming to Jesus meeting" about cuss words and to please not say it again, ever.

Cursing seems like the absolute character foil of who I think Natalia is. I know there are so many worse things that a person can do, but she is such a sweet, thoughtful, intuitive and sensitive person that hearing such blatant ugliness come out of her mouth is down right shocking. I'm glad that she gets the point that what we say determines how people see us and can take away from our outer beauty. That tells me that I'm doing a good job - okay, I'll give some props to Jeremy too. We are doing a good job. I know that it was ugly and I sure as Hades didn't want to condone it, but oh my gosh was it hard not to laugh. I'm glad it happened in a dark truck with her in the back seat because Jeremy and I almost lost it. My sweet little angel and that beautiful potty mouth. Lord help me.

The First Rule of Fight Club

Once you get past about age two or three, you lose the crutch of those great baby books. Sure, there are parenting books out there all the way up to "How to Get Rid of Your 28 Year Old Squatter Child", but it's no longer broad spectrum cookie cutter behavior. Case in point: We all know babies learn to sit up at a certain age, go through some separation anxiety, and you cannot convince a toddler that the nightmare she just had about the store mannequin in her closet was not real (um, that was my issue as a child. Remember, this is a judgement free zone). There is no concrete, textbook way to deal with seven year old drama, social graces, friendship nuances or fashion faux pas. You gotta wing it sister because all those books out there are just someone's opinion. You can find one that supports the opinion you have already established, but seriously you might as well just save yourself the twelve bucks and just find a girlfriend who agrees with you. Even Natalia's second grade teacher, Mrs. Penney, is very patient with Jeremy and I when we give her desperate parent faces and say "We've never been through second grade before." Well, obviously we made it through second grade (damn you Ms. Dobson), but never on this end.

So, even though I think I have the best husband ever, there are days when there is unrest in Lacowland. Now, in my artful way of oversimplifying things, I have come to the conclusion that there are three basic schools of parenting when it comes to how parents deal with their children when there is civil unrest between the parental units. School number one: Pretend there is nothing wrong. The typical problem with this plan of action is the parents are either  never around each other, or they are constantly wearing this creepy fake smile like the people in "The Further" from that movie "Insidious". Haven't seen the movie? OMG - Totally one of my fav's and you must go to a Redbox now and rent it. I'll wait for you while you watch it....... Amazing huh. Totally scary. Alright, back to the point. Kids are super intuitive and will see right through your shenanigans and this usually just stresses them out more. They know something is wrong, but no one is saying anything, but there is something definitely wrong. Obviously this is not how I roll.

The second school of thought is the other side of the spectrum. These are the parents who really just don't give a fig and get down and dirty in front of their kids. They scream, yell and say very unflattering things without using their adult filter. Parents - unless you have a lead lined, sound proof panic room or your kids are comatose when they sleep - they hear you. Another thing to think about is even if they are asleep, your words are invading their subconscious because YES THEY CAN HEAR YOU! Think about it. How much fun is it to mess with your sleeping angel while she is in the throws of slumber. Jeremy and I do this all the time. You go in and start asking her questions while she is sleeping because you get the most random answers. We usually do this until she gets mad and then we leave her alone. She's so cute. I also go in and give her subconscious positive affirmations while she is sleeping. Hokie, but I'll give her whatever upper hand I can. Besides, all the things I tell her are totally true.

Finally, there is the Shauna way. When Jeremy and I aren't agreeing, we do so when Natalia is out of the house and Jeremy and I are always respectful of each other, inside the fighting ring and out. I've already talked about that, so I'll spare you. Do I dump on Natalia? No way, she's my child, not my BFF. I can be her friend, but she cannot be mine. That's how I think the whole mommy/daughter thing should work. I do want her to know that Jeremy and I don't always get along and I have a good reason why. When she was little, I thought I wanted to shield her from any civil unrest that Jeremy and I may have. Then I thought about it as she was older and realized that was selling her a lie. What I really want her to know is that Jeremy and I are a stable unit and that she doesn't have to worry. I thought that if she thought everything was always copacetic between he and I that she wouldn't have to worry about us getting a divorce. My thinking evolved a little and I realized what I really want her to know is that Jeremy and I can disagree, be poopie to one another (respectfully) and keep it together in the end. I tell her that just like her playground posse, we don't always get along, but we are still friends. I think that's a better lesson. Oh, and she is never privy to disagreement discussion details. She's a child and adult conversations are none of her beeswax.

I do need to give some props to Jeremy for the past couple weeks. This blog was inspired because I have been in rare form, even for me. You see, I accidentally doubled up on my birth control, which is the Nuvaring. Now y'all can google the Nuvaring if you aren't familiar with that contraception, then laugh at me. Well, I did figure it out, corrected the situation, but I have had double the hormones on board for about two weeks. Now add that to a flood of hormones I normally get around this time and you can all get the mental image of me being totally labile and what I call "crazy pants". Women who have been pregnant understand how powerful hormones really are. It's creepy and frustrating. Because I have been in such a state, I actually sent Jeremy out of the house to poker night and told him to take his time, that's how bad it's been. Y'all know how possessive I usually am about my Jeremy time, so for me to give that up shows what a martyr I really am. Now that's true love. I am still riding this hormonal wave, but my amazing husband snuck into my work last night and brought me a balloon that said "Princess" on it. He loves me, in spite of me, high maintenance and all.

All the Pretty Things

I was hoping in my mommy delusional kind of way that if I raised Natalia with a consistent loving father and a family that placed importance on her inner strength I could avoid her being pre-occupied with her looks. It made me slightly panic and cringe the other day when she told me she wants a "skinny belly" while getting ready to step into the shower. I assured her that she is a normal size and most importantly everyone is built a special way. I also assured her that God doesn't make mistakes, so she is perfect just the way she is. Hello, my name is Shauna and I'm a total hypocrite since I really don't practice what I am preaching. Well, such is parenting.

I am convinced this thought process is genetic in nature, not just to my family, but to girls in general. I remember being her age and wanting my mother to tie the sash around my dress extra tight so I would look like I had a "skinny waist". Mind you I was seven. Natalia told me a few years ago that she wanted a belly like the Disney princesses. I had to explain to her that these were just cartoons and no one should ever have a waist smaller than her head. Besides, where would you keep all your internal organs? I'm pretty sure Ariel has only two feet of bowels, which means she suffers from constant diarrhea. Poor Ariel.

Now, I am not shady about the fact that I have had plastic surgery. I don't think plastic surgery is any more fake than upgrading the exhaust system on my car. Is my car less of a Mustang because I now have a Flowmaster Super 44 exhaust system with chrome pipe tips? Hardly. As a mater of fact, it's pretty awesome and has a fabulous growl to it. That being said, I know there are people that totally overdo it and end up the equivalent of Geo Metro with too many "upgrades", so the car is strange at best. Natalia knows that I have had breast implants and I was honest in telling her why. I was a fully grown adult who could afford my modifications and wanted bigger boobs. Bottom line. I still love them and they look great, which in turn makes me feel a little more self confident. I would like to say that I feel fabulous on brains alone, but I'm a horrible liar.

The tricky part of raising a girl is the dance of inner beauty vs. outer beauty. I think both are important. I let her know that I work out to be healthy, but that I also like the way my body looks when I am consistent. It is important to be kind to people and take their feelings into consideration, but it is also important to look your best self when you are out and about. Please put emphasis on "your best self" which means ya work with what ya got.

Natalia and I have already had a conversation about body types and the difference between my body and hers. I have said many times over that Natalia is all Jeremy for looks, and all mommy for attitude. She is going to be much taller than me and her body has an athletic build to it. She is like Jeremy in that they both have natural muscle tone that they barely have to work for. I on the other hand would be a doughy concoction of bones and skin if I didn't work out. Natalia and I looked through one of my magazines and I explained to her that a lot of the models in the magazine were totally unhealthy and that all the pictures were lies anyway. With the advent of airbrushing and photo shopping, there are no real human pictures in magazines anymore. How odd is it that when a celebrity has their untouched photo in a magazine, that is the big heading. When did normal become so abnormal?

I'm hoping that coaching Natalia along the way will save me from trying to convince an emotional teenager that she is fine the way she is. Is she going to throw it in my face that I have had plastic surgery? Of course she is. Not only is she a proficient back talker already, but her memory is uncanny. I want her to be fit, hygienically sound and not look like she just rolled out of The Sanctuary. However, I do not want her to obsess and nit pick her looks constantly - like I do to myself. That is the hypocritical part. I don't want her to feel she has to say something negative about herself to fit in with girly banter in a crowd. All you girls know how it is. Heaven forbid you actually love something about your self. The other girls will think you are a conceited snob instead of someone who is content just the way she is. I'm not saying all girls are like this because some of us have evolved past high school. It's the bad apples who spoil it.

So Natalia, here is what mommy wants you to know: A pretty face and a cute body will only get you so far, and even that is short lived. Enjoy your beauty, but make sure you have the inner stuff to back up that gorgeous face. Your kindness will make your skin glow and a genuine smile is always your best accessory. Never hide your intelligence because you are afraid people will treat you differently. There is no reason why you can't be a knockout and a brainiac at the same time. Feel free to wear lip gloss and have your hair set while you are formulating how to split the atom. Being pretty does not make you dumb any more than being smart makes you dowdy. Make sure that you make life choices based on what it means to you, not to someone else. That is just sage advice all around, not just for looks. God made you just right, but I understand if you want to tweak a thing or two. Just remember not to go overboard. Not only are you beautiful just as you are, but you don't want to end up looking like that weird Geo Metro.

Beware of the Competative Mommies

So, most of my close friends are aware of this, but the universe has shifted a little for me and I now have this normal relationship with my baby sister. We were on the phone yesterday laughing about how we don't dread each other's calls. It's nice to talk about cooking, budgets, husbands and what the kids are up to or in to. Another fabulous thing about this new normal adult sister relationship is we get to throw advice each other's way. She recently got her GED (super proud) and has been accepted to an online college program in the spring to start on her core classes, so she has been asking me for help on how to get started and I have been cheering her on. Have I mentioned how proud I am of her? I am. Super, totally, proud momma with tears in my eyes while fanning my face beauty pageant winner style kind of proud.

Yesterday while Katherine was helping me out with meal planning and recipes we got on the subject of how she has ditched her old crowd and is super picky about the mommies she hangs out with. That's when we got on the subject of competitive mommies. You all know them, and I bet that at one point your inner competitive mommy has come out and bared her well manicured claws. It happens, which is fine, as long as it isn't a habit. I'm talking about the habitual offenders. The clueless women who's children walked out of their vaginas, can read by six months, and have pretty much done everything better than your child, or at least accomplished it one week earlier than your child did.

It has taken me a few years to pinpoint these mothers and to decide to avoid them, rather than try and one-up their children with my own child prodigy. Usually they whisk into your life all chatty and fun, but soon you will find that you feel a little drained after being around them. It took me a few times before I really started paying attention to the conversations and I realized why. Now, before I go further I want to clarify. We ALL brag on our kids. This is how I tell the friends from the competitors: your friends will listen to you talk about your little superstar and then give your baby an honest compliment; your competitors will smile and agree, but then tell you how their child had a similar but better experience. Like I said before, once in a while is okay, but the repeat offenders are the ones you have to be on guard about. After a while I found that being around these moms actually made me a little tense about Natalia. Was her hair done right that day? Had she done something great recently that I could tell the other mom about? This was more of a subconscious kind of anxiety since I have not yet crossed over to certifiable nutville where these conversations occur as a running dialogue. That would be weird, but would make for an interesting blog. Hmmm, I'll keep that in mind when I do go crazy. Oops tangent.

Usually the charisma of the competative mommies are pretty strong and they are typically the popular girls of any group anyway. Yeah, that's right Natalia. That groupie stuff never goes away, it just becomes slightly more polite. So this is my advice in dealing with the competative mommies without becoming a social leper - wholeheartedly agree with the competative mommy. Ouch. Try choking that one down when you are watching your kids climb the monkey bars and her daughter is a double jointed Houdini-Tarzan wonder and your kid is "climbing" with her feet firmly on the ground at all times. One of two things will happen, the mom will either think you are the best friend a mother could have (since you agree that her child is the best EVER), or she'll move on to a mother who will feed her competative nature. I guess you could always suggest a dodge ball team to her. I have a couple of fabulous girlfriends who just won the Dodge ball Championship and it seemed all hard core. Smack talking, concussion causing, finger jamming/breaking fun. Not that I am saying you want to see competative mommy's fingers broken, or anything.

What it boils down to is this question: How secure are you with knowing your kid is amazing and how comfortable are you that your child is not perfect? What?! Perish the thought! But seriously, I know that Natalia hangs the moon in my world, but in the real world she has places she shines and places she needs to grow. That's okay. Really. I have to be okay with it because if I am freaking out or harping on her "needs improvement" categories all the time it is going to crack her confidence. That is the real cautionary tale to the competative mommy stories. How do you see your child when the play date is done? Can you agree with the competative mommy and KNOW that your baby is amazingly fine just the way she is, or do you start thinking about the "needs improvement" category. Natalia will figure out along the way places that she needs to work on. It is my job to build up the foundation of what she already has so her amazing baseline always out weighs the challenges of change.

Magically Swept Away at Sea - Special Edition

So we just got back from our Disney cruise and this blog is my play by play of our vacation. It was amazing and fun, but seriously, I could have fun with my family no matter where we go. I had been looking forward to this trip for almost a year and had a horrific nightmare a week before we left that I was on our way home, but couldn't remember a single thing. Thankfully my memory is intact and I am going to blog the heck out of it just to be safe. This is going to be a long one folks.

So we wanted to do this cruise up right, which meant we wanted to cruise in the Caribbean and because we were cruising with Natalia for the first time, we went all Disney with it. Of course, Jeremy failed to mention that Natalia and I could have had two bags a piece and because we are divas all the way, we would have filled them both had we known. We did manage to whittle things down to the essentials and just have one large bag a piece - each bag weighing as much as Natalia. Well, then there was the garment bag for the dresses.... but does that really count? I didn't think so either.

Okay, all my East Coast-ers will understand that traveling back there (even for a few hours) meant this was our opportunity for splurging on the food we miss so much. I'm sorry Idaho, but with the exception of Brick Oven Bistro, y'all don't know nothing about food. It's kind of sad. We hit up Chik-fil-A (not my fav since EVERYTHING there tastes the same), Jason's Deli, Waffle House, and Sonny's. Ahhh, Sonny's. How I miss southern BBQ with Texas toast. We'll have a moment of silence...... We tried to hit up a Disney Outlet to stock up on some magical gear on the cheap, but this ended up being the kind of place where you find the Disney reject stuff. Like the Mickey Mouses with a full set of teeth or princesses with the wrong hair color so they don't violate the copyright. We left laughing, well, Natalia was disappointed because she is seven and even junk looks exciting.

Now Saturday was finally here and we got up bright and early to eat our free hotel breakfast and charge into our ship. In true Disney style, boarding the ship was organized and easy, and Jeremy and I have been on enough cruises to know you pack your swimsuit in your carry on and head straight for the pool. We had pre-registered Natalia for her Oceaneer kids club and they gave her this little lo-jack bracelet that was the size of a watch and absolutely drove her crazy all week. She gets that from Jeremy who also never wears a watch because he can't stand anything around his wrist. So we headed to the pool, Natalia took to the slide, Jeremy got us some drinks and our vacation started off with perfection. What is funny is this is the only time Natalia played in the pool for the whole week. She was just too busy with other stuff to bother with the boring pool. Hello?! Been there, done that. She had moved on.

Let me fill you non-cruisers in on some info. There are two basic types of cruisers out there. The eaters, and the activists. Some cruises have phenomenal five star meals and food available all the time with limited activities. Some cruises have amazing activities and a great party atmosphere with never a dull moment, but slack a bit on the food. We are more activity based cruisers instead of foodies. It's a good thing because the food was like Golden  Corral without the good rolls and honey butter. It was kind of disappointing, but it did keep us from gaining the typical ten pounds we usually pack on when we are vacationing on a floating trough. Also, with drinks $7 a pop, we mainly stuck with iced tea. When we did drink, we went for "The Shauna": Vanilla vodka, ginger ale and a splash of coconut rum. Potent, delicious, effective and nothing says vacation like coconut. Being the rather "slow on the uptake" family that we are, we did figure out that there is a separate card for room service breakfast that we could have been using for a wake up call. We figured that out on our last day.

One of my pet peeves is that hardly anyone on this cruise dressed up for ANYTHING. Hello?! You just dropped some mad cash for this vacation. Stop looking like you are ready to go grocery shopping at Wal-mart. Supposedly dinner is a time when you dress up somewhat and dine. Not eat, dine. It annoyed me that people came to a four course, sit down dinner dressed in NASCAR t-shirts, shorts and hats, with mothers looking dowdy and bleh. There was no excuse. Daycare was free so every parent could shower, shave and spruce up. Anyway, I'll step down from my soap box and say that Natalia and I were some of the most fabulous girls on the ship, hands down. We even got our hair tinseled before we left. Fabulous. We both wore high heels every night and took an hour to get ready. That was Jeremy's pet peeve.

The Disney kids program was amazing and I can't say enough about it. The first afternoon we brought her there she pretty much ditched us and Jeremy and I were left standing in the middle of the room like a couple of tools having to show ourselves out. The next night at sea we tried three different times to pick her up and she kept telling us to come back later. We had a lot of time to ourselves which was great because we like each other a lot. Well, we got done doing all the adult things that mommies and daddies do when the child isn't around and still ended up waiting outside the club for Natalia. I'll try and speak in code here since Natalia reads these, but that was another magical thing about the cruise. There were plenty of opportunities for Jeremy and I to go back to the room while Natalia was in the Oceaneers club. That may be a plus or a minus for you. I'll leave it at that.

She baked cookies, made flubber, had stories read to her by Disney Princesses, joined pajama parties with Goofy, put on a High School Musical productions with her fellow Oceaneers, played computer games, got to bounce from club to "lab" as much as she wanted without consulting us, went on a ship-wide scavenger hunt, had makeovers complete with manicures, got a "tattoo", danced, sang and had an awesome time. All of this was while Jeremy and I hung out in the room, napped, layed out in the sun and read books while drinking "The Shauna", and had conversations that were uninterrupted. Amazing all around. In the evenings we would eat dinner together and catch a show. A couple of nights we tore it up at Studio Sea singing karaoke. Natalia took to the stage like she was made for the spotlight. The first time she had me sing the song with her, the second time she had me sing back up. At least she let me on stage with her.

We had three ports of call and of course, Disney built themselves and island. We took a tour train in Key West, Natalia confiscated the camera and took pictures of everything and we ate some key lime pie on a stick. In Grand Cayman it rained in the morning, which was perfect because that was our horseback riding day. Now, I am not a fan of things that I cannot control, so therefore I do not especially like horses. I also made Natalia wear a helmet because I am a nurse and therefore slightly nutty and ever paranoid. I'm glad I did. Not that anything happened, but because she loved it so much she refused to hold on to the horse or the reins and spent a lot of the ride back turned around backwards talking to Jeremy and I. Good thing she was tethered to the experienced lead rider. Jeremy's horse hated him and wouldn't do a thing he tried to get it to do. Natalia said his horse's name was Naughty. Jeremy said it was because his horse was a female. Let's all roll our eyes in unison.

Cozumel was pretty much a shopping day and I did some pretty good haggling. I am a horrible haggler usually because I feel like it is impolite. I figured out a sweet southern girl approved way to politely haggle that worked like a charm. I even got to go all drama in one shop, where I grabbed my heart and pretended to have a near coronary because of the price. The guy rolled his eyes and I think he muttered something about cheap Americans. I told him Mickey stole all my money and he ended up giving me a good deal. Natalia wouldn't come out of the Oceaneers club at first, but we went back to get her (and more money) and she was unstoppable. Thank goodness the rain dampened her shopping and sent us back to the ship. She was really into buying souvenirs for her friends back home and is a very "thoughtful" shopper. That is my polite way of saying it takes her forever to make a decision whether it is appropriate, the right color or if there is a better deal two shops over.

Okay, now to my favorite! The Disney island Castaway Cay (which is pronounced Key, unless you are Jeremy, then you just keep saying Kay). The weather was warm and just windy enough that you didn't swelter. I actually miss the humidity, so it didn't bother me at all. I wasn't all that impressed with what it did to my hair, but that's just me being vain again. Anyway, there were water slides to play on (Natalia forgot to close her mouth when she hit the water), snorkeling gear, plenty of beach loungers with umbrellas and palm trees where we all took a nap in the sun, food and drinks, bars, stingrays to play with if you wanted to pay extra, a private adult only beach, and the Oceaneers club would whisk your kid away from you for a full day of activities. Thankfully Natalia actually wanted to be with us that day. After our naps we scrounged up some hermit crabs and had them race. Natalia's won, mine was "special" and kept going the wrong way and Jeremy's was so small he didn't stand a chance.

My best part of the trip was bike riding. You have to understand the monumental-ness of this. Natalia taught herself to ride a bike three weeks ago and Jeremy and I decided to take a chance by renting bikes on the island. When I say "just taught herself", I mean it. She could ride maybe a block and usually hit a couple of mailboxes on the way. We expected to be slow going, possibly nurse a scraped knee or two and really not go very far. We were so wrong. Natalia took off peddling and led the way for an hour long beautiful bike ride across the whole island. It was so much fun and we were amazed by how independent and fabulous she did. After that we headed back to the beach to play in the water where we realized that I am the Great White Mother. For some reason these white fish about the size of trout kept swimming up to my legs, would face me and just stare at my legs. They followed me all over the place and we even sent Jeremy to a different spot to see if we were just being dramatic and silly. Nope. Wherever I would go, they would follow. Natalia was totally freaked out by the fish at first and would climb on Jeremy and I like a spider monkey. We had to put a stop to that after a couple of near miss wardrobe malfunctions. She is an adaptable human and got over it quickly. This goes back to her being more afraid of mommy than pretty much anything else.

There really weren't enough hours in the day and we were frustrated that our bodies needed sleep because it took away from all the things we could be doing. I am so glad we did the Disney cruise, but once is enough and I am a huge Disney freakish fan. Next family cruise will be when she is older and we'll stick with Royal Caribbean. I just like the parties and fanciness of the nicer cruises - oh, and dressing for dinner. This was a family centered cruise so you gotta take the bad with the good. There were a lot of tantrum kids, screaming toddlers, scolding parents (Jeremy and I like to listen and laugh) and noise. Oh there was so much noise. That's when you head for the adult only places or the hidden bars.

The following Saturday it only took us about 15 minutes to get our luggage and get off the ship. Now if you have cruised before, you can appreciate what a big deal this is. Sometimes debarking can take an hour. Our plan was to take this extra day and go to Animal Kingdom since it will probably be years before we make it back to Florida. Yeah, not so much. It wasn't just pouring, there were flood warnings and wind advisories. Instead we headed to this place called Wonder Works which was totally overpriced, but people were willing to wait out in the rain for anyway. Not this girl, but other strange individuals of our populous. The only redeeming quality of this chaos riddled free for all was the ropes course where you got to wear a harness and walk a series of tightropes and beams 35 feet above the crowd. Jeremy (who has a heights issue) lasted 15 minutes, then took some fabulous pictures from the ground of Natalia and I. Natalia started out first, but honestly I was concentrating so hard on my own balance I kind of stopped watching her. She had taken off anyway and evidently has no issue with heights or balance. Remember when I said she forgot to close her mouth off the water slide? She took a small lung sip of ocean water that day too. Guess who had a 102 fever and a gnarly upper respiratory thing going on by Wonder Works day? We actually had to beg her to finish the seven minutes of laser tag and loaded her up on Triamenic on the way home after a stop at Walgreen's. I'll spare you the story of the tears and pain during the flight home when she couldn't get her ears to pop. Southwest people are so sweet and went all out to help her feel better. They were so nice.

Really though, It was a crazy fabulous vacation. Sometimes I am in wonder of my own life and all the cool things I get to do and people I get to be with. Love it.

I told you this one was going to be long. :)

Who Asked Me Anyway?

When you work with as many women as I do, there are always at least a few who are pregnant. Since I totally love being a mom, I get excited when I hear that someone is going to be a parent for the first time. Truth be told, I am always more excited when I hear they are having a girl because I am partial to that gender. I realize that I was one Y chromosome away from a life without hair tinsel, glitter, princesses, and bedazzlement. On that note, I thought I would pass along some advice and tricks of the trade that I have learned so far to my mommies to be who read this blog.

First of all, you cannot spoil an infant. You cannot hold them too much, love them too much, spoil them or make them too happy. Normal human sleep is something that usually has to be taught, retaught, then retaught again. I am a huge fan of Ferber and I have had to re-Ferber Natalia a few times. Her narcoleptic cue is Bach's Suite 3 Air. I have been playing this song on repeat for her every night since she was four days old. I fell in love with this song when I heard it while watching the movie Seven. Kind of a creepy place to find your baby lullaby, but this has been a very effective cue for her bedtime.

Speaking of routines, children need routines. Seriously, it upsets their apple carts if they don't have a predictable routine to follow and nap times are sacred. You will revolve your entire life around the feeding and circadian rhythm of your child when they are young. Just watch the first time you travel or do something fun where you alter your little angel's schedule. It's almost comical how much it messes with their little world. Don't fret too much. They get over it.

Children are so much cuter when they don't smell and are clean. I had a mother as a patient the other day and her baby (who couldn't walk yet) had the filthiest feet I had ever seen on a baby and smelled like spoiled milk. I quickly offered to watch the smelly cherub while she went to xray and immediately scrubbed the little one before mom got back. I get that babies don't like to be cold when they bathe, so my mommy trick for this is to warm the bathroom up first before you wash her. I used to run the shower on hot to steam up the bathroom when Natalia would bathe in the counter top baby tub. As for those toenails, good luck. They are still a source of tears in Lacowland.

Babies and toddlers are disgusting. They drool, poop and spill food everywhere. They put everything in their mouths and never take the initiative to wash their hands. Because of this, they get sick a lot - which means you will get sick a lot too. When Natalia was small and congested I would strap her into her vibrating bouncy chair with a fresh set of batteries so we could all sleep. I almost bought an otoscope because I thought I was paranoid about all of her ear infections, but then we just got tubes put in her ears and they were magical. I highly recommend them. I'm old school and medicate my kid for congestion, pain, insomnia and allergies. I know the trend is to not use medication anymore, but I'm not a very progressive person anyway. So, do what makes you feel like a good mother because being a mother means you feel guilty for at least 60% of your day. I'm feeling guilty right now because Natalia is happily playing Barbies and I am "ignoring" her writing this blog.

As your child gets older there will be heavier stuff to worry about. One of the biggies is making sure you behave in front of your child. I DO NOT think it is cute to hear a kiddo drop the F-bomb - especially when it is dropped in front of my child who is a virgin to such language. If you smoke, your kid will probably be a smoker. If you get drunk in front of your kids.... well, you get the picture. Natalia already has a mild case of backseat driver road rage. I'm working on it. Also, put a helmet on her noggin because it's precious. Until I knew that she could manage on her own, Natalia wore a helmet to ice skating lessons. If you graphically explain to them their head will bleed and their brains will fall out they will wear it. I'm all about being graphic. You should have heard the gun safety talk we had with Natalia. Of course the main point is "don't touch", but I told her what happens if she does and it goes off. I told her how sad I would be if she died and we didn't get to see each other anymore. I know it is harsh, but guess what? She doesn't touch the guns in the house.

Here is a mommy secret for you- oil free eye makeup remover. It's amazing. It gets crusty boogers off of sore, sick noses; takes bandaids off so they won't hurt; and removes my eye makeup without pulling out my eyelashes. Kids love bandaids, but freak out when it comes time to remove them. If you really want to plan ahead just stock up on gauze and coban. Also, this sounds really gross, but KY jelly will make it so she can dress her own Polly Pockets in those stupid rubber outfits. Don't judge me. I got tired of dressing Polly and her friends and this KY was left over from the days of rectal temps.

Even at seven years old I still don't think I can love her enough, spend too much time with her, talk to her enough, or hold her too much. The spoiling thing does come into play and that's a fine line we tread. Being a parent is the coolest thing I have ever done, but also the hardest. Aren't all the good things the ones we have to fight for? Just don't forget your husband in the mix of all this parenting, since he is the one who got you "in the family way". Get a babysitter and ditch the kid(s) for a few hours. Your memory is way better than theirs anyway so do something fun. They always like the babysitters better anyway. After all, you guys will be "just mom and dad" before you know it. Spoil them early!

Mother, Exit Stage Right

So it dawned on me yesterday (in one of those brutal sucker punch kind of ways) that I am now more of a spectator to the Natalia Show as opposed to being her co-star. Sometimes I'm even the director, but she is mostly doing improv routines now. It's not really sad as much as it is different because I feel like it has just happened so quickly. Seven years seems like such a short time.

A few blogs ago I wrote about trying to teach Natalia how to ride a bike. You may remember me writing about how she just has to figure it out on her own, in her own time. Well, this week she decided to take off peddling. I am happy to say she hasn't plowed into any mailboxes yet and her knees are still intact. She did kindly ask us not to cheer her on because it distracts her and she loses her balance. Sheesh. It must be exhausting to be a child to such inept parents, right? She didn't need us to tell her how to do it, she really just needed us to be around to watch for cars (because she is busy concentrating), and to watch for the ever present threat of STRANGERS (yep, she's a cop's daughter, alright). She did at one point hit a bump and yell out "Ow, my vagina!". Did I mention this was on Jeremy's watch while I was at work? He was slightly mortified, but I am proud of her near anatomical correctness. Now if she had said "Ow, my perineum!", that would have been over the moon hilarious. Maybe I'll teach her that word tomorrow. She swears she won't be a nurse because my job is disgusting; she just has the lingo down. Oh, that reminds me: Natalia has a new form of measurement. She was trying to tell me about something that was a lot, or big and she said "it's as big as my bladder bag". That's my girl.

It is so much fun to watch her little personality evolve into it's own human. I mean, she has some of my traits and some of Jeremy's too, but really she is her own individual person. It is a deep "Jack Handy" thought when I start thinking about how there is only one of her in the universe. There will never be another person like her and I think she is totally cool. I notice this more as I sit in the director's chair.

So, part of me taking a step outside her personal bubble means she no longer thinks I know everything. Bummer. I kind of liked that omniscience. She told me today that there is a new danger on the playground. Parents, guard your children from the Green Granny Smith Spider. You may not know this, but according to Natalia it can spit venom out of its mouth and take out five kids in one second. Are you listening to me?! One second! It gives you a warning hiss, then will spit and spray in a horizontal line catching five kids by surprise. Pray to God that you are the sixth kid. She says she saw this spider on the playground the other day and one of the kids was dared to touch it. Well, he was really scared, but touched it and then "he went out". I asked her if he died right there and she rolled her eyes at me and say no, that he just "went out" and she made a fainting motion. The kids around him tried to push the ill fated child to get him to wake up, but he wouldn't move so they called the teacher over. I asked her if this kid was a drama queen and she assured me that this child seemed very legit. I tried to tell her that there is no such spider, but she started crying about how I never believe her and invited me to come play at recess to assess the Green Granny Smith Spider situation for myself. I think I'll have to check it out.

I did manage to impart some very key wisdom on Natalia tonight. She was telling me that she made a "squirrel habitat" (her words) today as school. This wasn't a classroom project, mind you, but just something she decided to do out of the goodness of her heart. I asked her if was a squirrel like a weird human, or the little animal. She gave me a very puzzled look and told me she didn't know what I meant. I told her that at work we call weird humans "squirrels". Her reply was "Well, it is made of grass and bark, so it has got to be for an animal". I reminded her of all the people daddy sees at night who live in the park (which is why we don't use the park tables at Albertson's Park) and sleep on the bark and grass. I could tell that she agreed with this very sound logic and assured me that it was for the small animal squirrels, not the weird human varietal. It's all about the details, really.

I plan on sitting back to enjoy this new perspective. No one can explain to a non-parent how much fun "just watching" can be. It's not about living vicariously, but about seeing this fascinating human enjoy the world for the first time. I guess I am more of the entertained audience to the Natalia Improv Comedy Hour than director. That's fine because it's my favorite show.

Working on Being Still - A Total Oxymoron

Most women will tell you that there is nothing still about being a woman, let alone being a mom. Most of us have a million things rolling around in our head - to do lists, errands to run, does my lip gloss look good, did I wear deodorant today.... Constant noise. Among this constant chatter for me are worst case scenarios that pop into my head such as: I'm at the gym and imagine the commotion and what I would do if that old guy with the paunch suddenly has a coronary, or what would I do if that lady at the restaurant who weighs 400lbs starts choking (my arms are only so long), or how am I going to react if Natalia starts choking on a piece of candy.

This last one confused Natalia a bit when she was a toddler. Since I did choke on a butterscotch candy when I was nine, I would never let Natalia eat hard candy when she was little. We would be at a restaurant and she would ask for a little peppermint and my pat response would be "No bubbie, that's a choking hazard". Natalia got a little older and we let her start eating those candies, but still never in the car. The best part was when we were up at the hostess desk and she loudly, but politely asks "Mommy, can I please have a choking hazard?". That's just what she thought they were called. It's weird to say "Yes lovey. You can have a choking hazard." It just sounds like irresponsible parenting, as opposed to just giving your kid a piece of candy.

Lately, my mind has been on overdrive and I am working on cooling it off a bit. I'm hoping someday when Natalia is older, she will read this and understand why I am a bit neurotic about her safety. It's an ugly world in the ER for children and I wish I had more faith that God would keep her safe, but I don't. I don't think there is ever a good reason to steal a child's life away. I may not always think the parenting is on the up and up, but there are other parents out there who would gladly step in and change that child's life. Most people have the luxury of ignorance. I firmly believe it is a total luxury to never have seen a dead child, or a child who had a stroke from hitting his head, or a little one who is critical after a near drowning. Yowzer. This is heavy stuff, huh. The positive spin I try and put on this is I need to appreciate every second because we are all on borrowed time.

Now as much as I would love to wrap Natalia in bubble wrap, I realize that's not going to cut it for her happiness or sanity. You should have seen me the last two times we went boating with our friends and Natalia was being pulled behind the boat in the tube. I tried to smile and look calm, but Jeremy and my friends saw right through it. I was a nervous wreck that even a vanilla mojito couldn't take the edge off. You see, she just learned how to swim a couple of weeks ago and while I know the life jacket would keep her afloat, she doesn't yet have that instinct to close her pie hole when the water hits her in the face. Thankfully our friends are an amazing balance of giving her an exciting ride and keeping it tame for my sake. I told Josiah that him being gentle is more for my sake than hers. She is irreplaceable and deeply treasured. Then I politely threatened his life in my sweet southern way.

I rationally know that I am crazy trying to control the universe for the sake of my baby girl, but that won't stop me from trying. It's a tough dance to make sure her life is adventurous and exciting, while keeping her safe and protected. I don't believe that God will keep her safe because He is also a cruel God and takes children all the time. Even the bible shows Him as hard core, so why would He change now just because we wear jeans to church and try to make Him "cool". So, my head case work mainly involves me realizing that I'll deal with that when it comes around. I try and remember the verse "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). I'm working on it, but I'm still pretty antsy. In the mean time, Natalia is obsessed with boating, swimming, horse back riding and hard candies. I'll let her have her fun, but in the back of my mind is a constant hum of "protect her airway" and "please don't make me use my Life Flight membership because she's a leveled trauma".

Skating Through Life

It's a big deal for our family to plan an outing every week. We call it "family day" and it is sacred. I have to admit that Jeremy is really the creative director behind most of our outings for this weekly ritual. Our scheduled events not only entertain Natalia, but they pull Jeremy and I out of our adult routine and into some play time. This week we went ice skating, then headed over to the candy store to load up on sugar. Natalia polished off 80% of a gigantic caramel apple. I was impressed since the thing was almost the size of her head and I thought most of it would go to waste. Nope. That's my girl. I had also told her that when I was little I lost a baby tooth to the tenacity of a caramel apple. She repeatedly had us check her grill to make sure her teeth were present and accounted for. You will be relieved to hear there were no dental casualties that day.

Now, I think I've mentioned this before, but ice skating is not one of my favorites because 1. Grace and balance are not my strong points, 2. It's cold and finally 3. Do you know how hard ice feels when you land on it? There's no Downy softness about it. I think the time before this one there was a blood stain on the ice. Seriously, I'm not just trying to be dramatic. Natalia has had two rounds of ice skating lessons and really does just fine. Well, she does about as well as Jeremy and I do. The thing is, she wants to hold a hand because it makes her feel more confident. Now again, my own balance is sketchy, let alone trying to assist her when she's almost as tall as me. It's a bit trickier now than when she was a shorty barely out of toddlerhood. So this time she mostly held daddy's hand and the difference in hand holding vs. freestyle skating was huge. This is what got me thinking.

If Natalia had an analytical adult mind she would see that Jeremy and I "helping" her is more of a liability than a stabilizer. When she would skate on her own with us flanking her to protect her from the speed skaters, she was slow and kept grabbing onto the wall. When she held our hand, she was off to the races and charging ahead. I had to push it to keep up with her. Her trust and faith in us is pretty amazing. I spent a lot of time encouraging her to let go and be confident on her own, but now I wish I would have kept my mommy badger to myself. Someday she won't even ask for us to hold her hand so I think I am just going to enjoy the hand holding for as long as I can.

When it was time to go, she asked if she could skate around the rink a few times by herself while Jeremy and I waited for her on the bleachers. She went around three times on her own, with each time peeking out the door as she slid by to make sure we saw what a big girl she was. There is no doubt in my mind that our little bit of hand holding went a long way. She became confident to let go, and I became confident that I have a child who wants to let go - when she's ready. One of my big mommy worries is making sure I am raising a little girl who will be confident, independent and able to go out and claim her spot in society. I worry a lot. I think I'll work on jacking it down a bit and save my neurosis for something a little more worthwhile, like when she starts dating or driving.

So, here are my hands all ready for holding. I may not be able to keep us both from tripping up, but being present is really what it's all about. You know what really makes me super happy? Natalia has a parental team who is ready to carry her through, flank her for protection and sit it out so she can do it on her own. That is what skating through life is all about.

Egg on my Face with a Side of Scam

A lot of being Queen of the Motherhood has to do with being the wife of my darling husband. I'll spare you the birds and the bees talk, but my relationship with Jeremy is the sole reason for her precious soul ending up here in the first place. I know this may rock your world, but sometimes there is civil unrest in Lacowland. "What?!", you say! "Shut the front door! I don't believe it!" Believe it , sister. Now that Jeremy and I have been friends for twenty years, together for seventeen and married for thirteen (yes, I am proud of our numbers), we have our fighting stance down to an art form. The short of it boils down to this: we go to our corners, grow back up, then talk it out. Well, sometimes we pass notes like we did in high school. Hey, this is what works for us, don't judge.

Our story begins with a scam, and I'll tell you what, she had me at Disney. We'll call her Talent Tabby. You see, I told Natalia that I would look into "acting stuff"  after she got such a kick out of theater camp this summer. While I was googling my heart out, I came across a legit looking "talent agency" website with multiple branches, listed with the Better Business Bureau, and a bunch of other stuff that frankly just set off my ADD. Just for kicks, I filled out an application and submitted a picture of my little boogerface. A month later I got a call back, we had our interview and the woman loved Natalia (Seriously! Who doesn't?). Talent Tabby liked Natalia so much that she wanted her to have pictures done right away so she could start promoting her in a couple of projects she had coming up for back to school promos. She knew just the photographer and it would only cost us $475. Wait, no $325.

Okay, so now all of you are seeing what I was clearly not seeing when I walked out of her office. Talent Tabby also told me that Disney makes their "made for TV movies" in Salt Lake City and she thought Natalia had that "Disney" look, but just needed some experience under her belt. I am not challenged so much that I don't know Natalia eventually will need head shots if this is something she wants to do, however, she should not have needed them within two days of meeting Talent Tabby. I know, I know.... you are all seeing the scamishness unfolding. I see it too.... now. Totally not the point of the blog, so I'm moving on because it's my blog and I'm totally embarrassed that I was almost taken for a ride.

I was so excited to bring this news to Jeremy. I wanted him to hear me out, listen how we could get a return on our money and how excited Natalia was about all the things Talent Tabby told us. Nothing but crickets, then "We don't have $500 right now". "It's not $500, it's $475, but now has been lowered to $325". Then he gives me that look. It's the one he uses when he's working and all serious and his face looks slightly grey, but not grey like he's going to pass out.  "Isn't this the same thing we made fun of your sister for when she was 'trying to be a model' and they took a bunch of money from her and she never did anything with it?" Ouch. I knew right then it was a scam. I also knew right then by the way we were talking to each other that this was not the way we usually discuss decisions. There was something else going on and we were needling each other trying to pick a fight. So far we were doing a fabulous job because I, for one, was clearly getting all fired up.

I hate inefficient fighting. My tactical version of unearthing the root cause was comical, now that I look back on it. It was like this strange screaming version of speed dating, where you list out all your positive attributes and why that person should pick you, but to someone who already HAS picked you. But the scam was what got us back on track in the way of us annoying each other enough to propel ourselves into the real issue. Here's what started the derailment:

I had been required to pick up overtime at work and there was a two week period where I barely saw Jeremy. Remember that "love language" blog? Yep. Our quality time silent treatment bit us in the behind. This topped with some unfinished projects that have been stressing Jeremy out as well and - Kaboom. The perfect catalyst for the yearly Jeremy/Shauna fight. It's kind of like spring cleaning. Okay, ready for the parenting part? Natalia had no idea we were not getting along. No, my little Disney kid is not obtuse, it's just that Jeremy and I always remain respectful to each other, no matter what. Okay, so they are painfully polite, minimal conversations; but to her there never was any civil unrest or insecurity. You see, when Jeremy and I aren't getting along we "go to our corners", grow up, and meet in the middle when we can talk to each other like normal humans again. This sometimes takes quite a few attempts and a few days. Oh, then there are the occasional notes we have to write so we can edit ourselves, but the hardest part is always extending the olive branch.

I talked to Natalia today about what had happened since she walked into the garage when Jeremy and I were extending olive branches. I was crying and we told her we needed some "two time". In the discussion we had later I told her that when daddy and I were "fighting", we never said mean things to each other, but it was the tone he and I were using when we were talking to each other that needed to be fixed. I also told her that sometimes when we get mad at our friends, or when our friends don't see things our way, we need time apart to try and see their side. I took a day and decided, yep. I am getting scammed. Dammit! I hate it when he's right. What's worse (almost), is that he'll never throw it in my face. He just gives me a hug and a kiss and moves on. I'm hoping that through us, she'll learn to fight like a grown up and find someone who knows how to do the same. I swear the key to a good marriage is learning how to fight. It has taken us a long time to get here, but we are better people, a better couple, and better parents for it. This wasn't some Christmas miracle that came to be, there was a sprinkling of professional counseling involved and y'all know how I love those self help books.

So, this initiated a family meeting this week about what a scam is, why people do it (because they are horrible humans), and that it is okay to be disappointed. I let Natalia know that daddy and I are friends and, like all friends, sometimes we don't get along. The important thing is for us to be nice to each other even when we would rather be snotty, and to step away so we can be a better listener. When it comes to the acting thing, well, she'll always be my little actress and God can throw any opportunity He wants her way. I certainly don't want her to be the next LiLo. Just look at her. Lindsay started out all Disney, and now - she can't even push cans of spray tan for a couple of bucks. My dreams for Natalia are bigger than that.

Etiquette by Eight

I really like Natalia. I know most parents adore and love their children, but even if she wasn't my child, I'd still like hanging out with her. I remember when I was taking my pediatrics course in nursing school one of the books stated all the morals and manners imparted on your child need to be instilled before age eight. Let that sink in for a moment - age eight! Being the overly conscientious mother that I am, I have had this in the back of my mind since the day she was born.

This is the reason why I won't let her run up the slide when there are other kids on the playground. When she's the only kid on the play set, have at it. Being the little rule follower that she is, she used to get so upset when other kids weren't as polite during play time. She would come running to me to tattle, and thus began another difficult lesson: I am the mommy of one, not all. It was unnerving for her to learn that the world does not live by one universal standard. I would still throw a stink eye at the mother with the unruly child, but she was usually on a cell phone with no clue of her own voice volume, let alone what her child was up to. See - these playground morals are the basis for adult living.

So, I have one more year to drill home the morals I think she should live by. Sometimes I feel like I am cramming for a final exam. After age eight, she is going to make decisions based on her own personal morality system. I have to just stand back and watch. I'll guide her if she asks - but it's really all up to her.

My clues that I have been doing a good job are as follows: Natalia knows the difference between an art museum and a playground. We were there for two hours yesterday enjoying the shoe exhibit and painting in the family section. She knows to keep her voice dialed on low and not to touch anything. This was difficult even for me when we got to the piece made of ballet shoes, resin, honeycombs and bronze. It was hard not to reach out and touch all those textures. We both showed restraint and discussed whether or not we could get away with a quick touch. Then the suit guy who works there strolled past and we moved on. Bummer. 

I love the fact that Natalia will order for herself at a restaurant when we go out. Of course we have taught her the "please and thank you's" of life, but she knows how to speak to adults and to ask for what she wants. It's hard for her sometimes because she expects people to be mind readers. No, the balloon sculptor did not know that she had been eyeing the pink balloon crown for 45 minutes while we waited for a table at a Mexican restaurant. The waiter, however, knew the second we sat our tired bottoms on the booth because Natalia politely asked the waiter to send the balloon guy over. Jeremy and I were so proud (and giggling) because this required no coaching on our part. Up until that point, she usually wanted Jeremy and I to do the asking for her. She got her pink and purple balloon tiara that night, and even handed the guy a tip for doing such a good job. Okay, we did help her out with the tip part. It's not like she's a big baller flashing money around.

As Natalia gets older I can see a glimpse of who she will be as an adult. I like what I see. She is the kind of person who I would pick to have as a friend. She freely passes out compliments, calls me out when I have regressed into a toddler state of mind, and she is easy to be around. All children drive us crazy at some point during the day, but on the whole, she is already an amazing person. My next step will be trust, as in "I trust that I've done all I can to cram in the basics". Eight years is not very long when you think about it. Especially with children who are kind of just blobs of lovin' until age three. I have one more year and then I'll be required to cut another apron string and see what she can do. The mistakes will break my heart while I watch her struggle, but seeing her be her own person will more than make up for it. My love and pride for her are the super glue that fill in the cracks and keeps my life full. I will always love her unconditionally, but I am glad that I like her too.

"No" Problem

Sometimes I notice that I want to lapse into the land of "no". It has been a conscious effort ever since Natalia was able to make random requests that I have a good reason why I am saying "no" to something. This means a lot of times I have to tell her I need a minute to think over my answer. It is really easy to just say "no" and keep doing whatever mindless thing I am in the middle of. This ponder was ignited by a Smurf; Smurfette to be specific.

Jeremy and I are on the same front when it comes to how Natalia spends her allowance. She is totally in the infant stages of learning the concept of money and its value. She is allowed to spend her allowance, of course, but she has to put some thought into the purchase and she isn't allowed to deplete her account. She has her own bank account with her very own debit card, since we are a card society. I don't know about you, but I rarely have cash on me because I keep track of my spending better with my card. Her card is in my name, but the bank allows you to add a label to be stamped into it. Natalia was totally stoked when she saw her debit card has "Natalia's Card" stamped right on it. It stays in mommy's wallet.

She told me two days ago that when we had our mommy/daughter day (today) she wanted to buy Smurfette at the Build a Bear. Since I am not a fan of stuffed animals, I started to say "no" and wanted to lecture her about the accumulation Build a Bear paraphernalia that doesn't seem to be played with too often. Instead, I told her I'd think about it and get back with her. Now I only have my own child to go by, but I think it is pretty awesome that she is cool with me thinking it over. She knows that Jeremy and I have been fair with her in the past, so she won't badger or nag me about it until the official judgement day. She knows that even if I say "no", I will explain my reasoning behind my decision. Sure, there are tears shed, hugs needed and time to simmer in her disappointment for a while, but she really does get over it quickly. All that said, Natalia is the proud owner of a Smurfette stuffed "animal" (I'm not really sure what a smurf is, but I hear they are delicious), whom she named Odette.

The other day I started to feel a "no" creeping up on me when she wanted to go outside and paint together. I had to take a moment and remind myself there will always be dirty dishes and laundry, but there won't always be a seven year old who wants to spend time painting together. I knew I would regret my "no" at the water park the other day if I didn't go on the most terrifying water slide ever with her. She had already rode it with daddy, and in the 15 minutes we spent waiting in line, there was never any bloodshed or random amputations. It was fun and I'd do it again. Natalia thought about today's purchase for two days and now is snuggled up peacefully with Odette cradled to her chest. I really didn't have a reason to say "no", and although I wouldn't have regretted a life sans-smurf, I will always cherish the vision of my little girl proudly holding and snuggling the toy she earned.

A Purpose Driven Summer

I am a firm believer that everyone needs direction, a hobby, a purpose - something. I know that when I am idle, I just feel so blah. Now that we are in the throws of summer and Natalia finished up her summer camp, I realized that she too, needs a purpose. Hence the birth of the "Natalia To Do List". It's not quite as horrible as it sounds, then again, I'm not seven.

You see, Jeremy and I have started on our summer back yard project. I won't bore you with the details of how this is the second time we have "re-done" our back yard in the four years we have been here. I was trying to take on tree-hole-digging when Natalia started to hover, then she started to whine, then I decided to put her to work so she would have something concrete to whine about. Remember that from our parents? It totally works. I'm sorry, but as cliche as that phrase is, it has been kid tested and mother approved.

Here is the deal: Natalia gets paid $7 a week as her allowance. While she is in school, she earns her allowance by attending school, doing homework, and cleaning up after herself at home. Oh, and basic hygiene. Now that school is out, not only does she have more free time, but she also has to EARN her money. Granted, some of the chores on her list are there for my sake, like: "No whining or throwing tantrums" and "Be independent - you must try to do something three times before you ask for help". The other stuff are real chores, and she totally sucks at them. At least she does right now, but she'll catch on. When Jeremy and I got married he totally sucked at chores too, but there was a longer learning curve. While I wouldn't have called him an "old dog" when we got married, it took him a while to efficiently turn some new tricks, like cleaning, vacuuming, and noticing the clutter all around him. I'm hoping that since I have started early with Natalia that she will pick it up sooner than age 28.

The first time I made this magical chore list, she was so excited and felt so proud when she was finished. She went around the house with her little list in hand and checked things off as she went along. Of course, she checked off the whining/tantrum one first, even though it was still the beginning of the day. She was true to her check mark that day. Since we only do a big chore day once a week, I can tell you that the enthusiasm has worn out now that we are in week three. I knew it wouldn't last, so it's not that I am upset or anything. I just have to tweak the game plan to try and keep things fresh.

I had to step in and help her with the play room this week since it wasn't just a cleaning thing. We went through every cubbie and went all "Clean House" with it. She is really good about getting rid of toys she no longer plays with or has grown out of. She likes the fact that a beloved toy will bring happiness to another little girl. Isn't she sweet?! At some point I think we had the entire contents of her play room in the middle of her floor. I now know where her socks disappear to. I mean, why wouldn't you stash your sock in the play dough cubbie? I tried to coach her along, but left her to her own devices. She couldn't do it. She got so overwhelmed that I found her just sitting on the floor singing to herself. It was a Natalia version of Kanye's "Golddigger" (which she thinks is about picking noses). After I threw a gentle mommy tantrum at her, I went in to help her. She just needed some direction, a purpose if you will. She was more than happy to clean up and organize her own stuff, she just didn't know how to execute the job.

I don't know, I may be deluding myself, but I don't think I rescued her from the perils of Tuesday chores. There are plenty of times even as an adult that I have been overwhelmed and just needed a friend to come around and give me some direction. Hell, that is how I am feeling about the pergola project we have undertaken. It's a delicate balance in parenting to let Natalia struggle without exasperating the child. I am not so delusional, however, that I don't know when she is trying to work me over and get me to do something for her. She does that a lot.

Let's face it, she is in the learning phase when it comes to chores. This means that I have to go behind her when she goes to sleep to re-load the dishwasher and tidy up her bathroom. You would think that my child just split the atom as I congratulate her for a fabulously completed chore list. While I expect her to be able to put things away in my OCD cubbies I have in every drawer and closet, I don't expect her to be a young Martha Stewart. The important thing is that she is an active and responsible member of the family. All hail the "Natalia To Do List".

The Universal Language

I just finished the book "The Five Love Languages", not because Jeremy and I are having any problems, but because I was curious and my grandma happened to have it in her library. I didn't know this, but she does not like to lend out books from her stash.  She loves me enough to have lent it out anyway, but there was a polite warning. She held it very close to her and told me how she knows that I will take VERY good care of it. That's a lot of pressure for a self help book.

I have had a couple of girlfriends tell me that this book is pretty dead on. It was an easy read and oddly enough helped me understand Natalia better. Hello! Bonus. Don't get me wrong, it's not like Jeremy is chopped liver here in Lacow Land, but he and I are in a good place and I've been with him long enough to have a grasp on his personality. I have only known Natalia seven years and let's be honest, she's only really had a solid personality for the past four. Looking back I can see whiffs of her personality when she was a baby/toddler, but it wasn't anything like age three and up.

The good news is all three of us speak the same "love language". I could see how things could get lost in a relationship when you are trying to spend time with someone who wants gifts (you gotta read the book to know the lingo). According to the book, people love in their own language, but need to learn to be bilingual if their "other" speaks a different language. Sounds simple enough. You'll have to let me know since we are all speaking "Quality Time" around here.

I had a little Oprah "ah-ha" moment when I read the small section about children. Here I thought Natalia wanted me to drop everything I was doing and go look at "whatever" because she was an only child. Nope - that's just what we do around here. Come to think of it, Jeremy does that same thing. "Hey, sweet, would you come look at this?" The funny part is that any one of us will drop whatever for the other person, so we can come look at the fascinating object of our love's attention. And here I thought we just all had ADD.

All this got me thinking about how loved I feel around Jeremy and Natalia. My cup runneth over when she and I sit in the park painting together or we all hang out flying kites. I know she feels loved when we show up for her recitals, field days, class parties and karate practices. I prove my love to her every time I snuggle with her before bed, walk to the bathroom with her (yes, at home) because she is scared of being alone, stop to listen to her story about pirates or take time to examine her latest artistic venture.  I feel close to my family when we are sitting on the floor playing board games or just walking around the mall. I won't put up any front with you and say I always happily drop everything when these "quality time moments" arise. Sometimes she needs a little too much "love language" when mommy needs the silent treatment.

So this week I got to take a sigh of relief in my normally fretful mommy heart. Natalia will understand how much we love her because we are all speaking the same "love language". Soon she will be grown enough to start up a love conversation with someone else, and it won't be long before she no longer asks "Mommy, can you come be with me?" Nah. She'll always need me to be with her for something. I just hope by then our quality time will no longer involve me chaperoning her to the bathroom.

My Joan Crawford Moment

It is rare that I write two blogs in one week, let alone two in one day. I need to vent. Tonight I was a bad parent. My self control was tested by a seven year old and she bested me. Now don't worry - I didn't beat her or call her names. I did yell at her (which I hardly ever do) and I spanked her when she was doing this screaming freak out thing. Then as I held her tight while we stood in the middle of the kitchen, my mind came back to me and I put her to bed. What could cause such a outlandish scene of events? Uncut toe nails.

I believe that every kid has a vice. Something that invokes this irrational fear every time and you know that it is just going to be a battle. Natalia hates getting her toe nails cut. Think of it as her flavor of kryptonite. Jeremy will tell you it is because I cut them too short, but I leave her nails a little on the long side because of this very fear. I have to say that I love short nails. They are clean and neat looking and I usually cut mine shorter than I should. I also have a track record of bleeding dogs half to death with my skills, so I can see where Jeremy would get that idea. You would think he would be captain of the toe nail team. Nope. It still falls on me.

To make things worse, of all the features Natalia has gained from Jeremy, she has Lacow feet. Do you know many seven year old girls who have been told by a Pediatrician that she has bunions? Probably not. They aren't painful,just a little jacked up looking. Natalia's toenails are as crazy as her feet. Example: Her second toe nail curves over and scoops down back into the skin. I can regale you with how much fun it is to try and get the clippers under that bad boy just so I can trim a little off the top. It's a massive freak out for her. She hates to be messed with or picked at anyway, this just takes the cake.

The drama really started with me. What mother in her right mind would attempt this freaky feat (no pun intended) with a seven year old who hasn't eaten since 3pm and got home from the circus with her BFF at almost 11pm? Why I picked this moment is beyond me, but I was a mom on a mission. It turned out to be mission impossible. 

First, there was the negotiating, then the distraction attempt, then the tears, more negotiating, more tears, then a screaming match between she and I in the middle of the kitchen. It's a good thing I decided earlier to open all the windows to let the house air out. I'm surprised the police didn't come by to see what all the screaming was about. Even the dog stayed in the other room. He's not as dumb as I thought.

While we are on the subject of who gave which genetic trait, I can tell you that Natalia has my temper. That's why when we both get fired up at the same time it gets stupid. It's not so bad if Jeremy is here to referee, but tonight he was already at work. I know people at work know me as a relatively even and calm person, especially under pressure, but I have a temper and it's ugly. I feel the need to add that having a temper and being abusive are two different things. I may have a temper, but I'm not a tool. I think the catalyst is that she and I are just so much alike in personality that when we clash, it is note worthy. We are both stubborn, always right, emotional, independent and just the right touch of drama to cause a downward spiral.

Finally I got a grip when I watched her crawling like a wild animal from one level of the kitchen counter to the other trying to get away from me so she could attempt to cut her own toe nails. I was afraid she would fall and get hurt because she was so out of control. That would be a great story for the ER. "She fell off the counter while she was throwing a tantrum because she wouldn't let me cut her toe nails". Right lady. When I caught her up in my arms, I set her down and gave her a good spanking on her juicy little cheek. I only use spankings as reset buttons for her. It's a startle to get her out of her immediate freak out and we rarely have to resort to this. I immediately wrapped my arms around her and just held her while we stood in the middle of the kitchen. She was still screaming at me at this point, but at least she was being still. I told her we both needed some "two time" and I scooped her up and brought her to the mommy chair.

She feels so bad and not just because her punishment is sleeping in her own bed tonight and no playdate on Monday. She feels terrible because she thinks I take what she says to heart. When she gets ampped up like this she will worry and fret all night long. Hate me for whatever, but I gave her a small dose of Benadryl to calm her down and help her get some rest. I spent the rest of the evening wiping her tears away and reassuring her that nothing she says hurts my feelings. I understand she doesn't mean any of what is spewing out of her mouth and besides, I'm the Mommy. She could slaughter a compound of baby seals for the sake of watching them die and I would still love her. I would also put her directly into therapy.

Tonight I am a bad mommy because I didn't listen to my inner mommy. The one who tells you your child is too close to the edge right before she falls, the one who looks at your daughter's date and screams "DON'T YOU LET HER GO WITH THAT", the one who said to me "she's tired, wound up, and just ate sugar. Are ya really gonna go there now? Good luck with that". Inner mommy was right.

Toe nails. It all started with Toe nails and they are still uncut.