It's Hard to "Like" Unfiltered Photos

Today's post is brought to you by the letter 'P'. As in photo. I LOVE taking pictures. I actually take a lot less now than I used to. Mostly because Jeremy and Natalia just got sick of my stopping every two seconds to set up another picture. I finally had to have a coming to Jesus meeting with them telling them to smile, dammit. It makes me happy, so look happy. They still complain, but I have less pictures of the back of Natalia's head and more pictures where Jeremy looks like he is actually enjoying himself. I have a resting b#*@h face, but Jeremy has a resting serial killer face. We are all working on it.

These fun Lacow pictures eventually make it onto Facebook. Yeah, I have an Instagram account, but realistically I can only handle one social media account at a time. More than that is too much work. I don't count Pinterest as social media. It's actually where I go to get away from people. I can cruise all sorts of interesting things and I don't have to interact with anybody. An introverts haven. 

I pretty much wear a lot of my insecurities on my sleeve because I know I'm not alone. I totally get caught in the trap of obsessively checking Facebook to see who has "liked" my pictures and posts. My logical, left brain knows that this should not matter. My right brain wants to not only gather all the "likes" to validate my worth, but also compare my accumulation of "likes" with other

family "likes". I am cringing right now at how ridiculous this is sounding. Facebook has become the equivalent of passing notes with the "do you like me; check 'yes' or 'no'". The only problem is I get to lie to you on Facebook. I get to show you this candy coated version of our family outings. I'm not snapping pictures of the frustrated family moments when Jeremy and I have five "false starts" getting into the car to get going because we can't get our stuff together. Then we get down the block and remember we STILL forgot something, so we have to turn around and head back into the house to get it. This is when Natalia takes out her headphones to ask "What's wrong? What happened? Are you mad at me?" when Jeremy and I just want to quietly stew so we don't blow up. You know we are both blaming each other for not getting out the door in one fail swoop. I'm certainly not going to take a picture of him trying to find his hat (again) that he insists I moved (why would I touch his hat?!), and he is not going to take a picture of me angrily putting on lip liner while I blame him for going over speed bumps too fast. Does he KNOW how hard it is to put lip liner on in the car?! No. We are not taking our Facebook pictures of all this stuff. Maybe we should. It actually sounds kind of funny now. 

Okay, I promise I will eventually arrive at a point. Stay with me. 

So, about a year-ish ago Natalia set herself up with an Instagram account. Yeah, I made the same face you are making now. I let her go with it only because my sister was the "watchdog" for the account. I want to add that Natalia has also set herself up with a Snapchat account that she deleted herself. This is just to scare the pants off the other tween mothers. I can tell you your tweens ARE doing this. They do not need your help. Yes, you should panic now. 

Okay, back to the blog stuff. The Instagram account went well.... for a while. At first it was what you would expect from Natalia. Lots of pictures of cats in tights and dogs that didn't know how to "dog". Totally cool, right? Then she started in with the selfies. Okay. They were cute. They were selfies with her with a mustache, or her with a funny hat stamped on the photos. Natalia did start to show me her friends' Instagram. Some of her friends were posting things like "I bet you don't have the guts to tell me I'm beautiful. Like this if I'm pretty", and then they would post a picture with their hair flipped to the side and a coy look. Yes, there was filtering involved. No mustaches. 

Are you grinding your teeth now in that unconscious anxious way that the dentist had to give you the drool inducing mouthpiece for? Me too. Take a breath, because it gets worse.

Natalia showed it to me and we had a good "after school special" talk. I felt so accomplished as a mother. I was totally like, "Ha! That won't be MY child because she likes dogs that can say 'I love you' like a human and doesn't care about 'likes' on Instagram". Was I high?! It took about three months before she caved to the peer pressure and my sister called me with the "Have you checked out Natalia's Instagram" call. 

Crap.

Okay, so I look. First of all, I had to figure out what my password was and then try to figure out how to navigate Instagram. Then I had to wipe away my frustrated tears because I felt super old that I had finally lost touch with technology. My child was already smarter than me in the cyber sense. I had been outmaneuvered by a 10 year old. Dammit.

Once I figured out how to even LOOK at what has been going on, I catch up with what has actually been going on. Natalia has been posting things like "I bet you aren't brave enough to say I'm beautiful", or something like that. Crap! AND, her photos have gone from Moon Moon the Husky that can't "dog", to selfies that have been filtered, edited, and "improved". Crap! Set your tasers to stun because I have to take out a tween. I'm just going to take her out for like, ten years. Actually, based on all the "leggings as pants" college girls downtown, I'll take her out for 15 years. I'm just jealous because I can't wear leggings as pants, but that's probably another blog for another day.

Okay, so we had another talk, but more importantly I had HER shut down her Instagram account. I could tell you that it was because I wanted her to be responsible for shutting down the account, but realistically it is because I have no idea how to navigate that damn site, let alone cancel her account. I was fried for that day and didn't want to deal with the frustration of being beaten by technology..... again. 

We made an agreement that she is not allowed to have any social media accounts until, well, I don't know when. When I un-taser her. How's that? It is just too difficult to not get sucked into the "likes". I'm 39 and I get sucked into the "likes". I am filtering, cropping, and editing most of my pictures so you see only what I want you to see. That has become our society norm. I think for the most part it is not that big of a deal unless you don't know who you are yet. Tweens fall into that category for sure. 

Okay, so I was on The Chive today and I saw a post about a girl who went back into her Instagram account and re-labeled her posts. This is the link to look through her pictures and how she was honest about what was really going on. The pictures look candid, but she comes clean that the pictures often took about 100 takes to get "right". She would go without eating for most of the day, the pictures were paid for by promoters of clothing or tanning products, and she was only 15! I am going to go through these with Natalia because she (and I) look at these types of pictures and think "Oh my. I should go to the gym so I can look like this. This body is normal and I am just falling behind. She looks so happy because this is what happiness looks like". I'm glad I read it. What makes me really happy is this girl was 19 when she edited her posts. She sounds like she is really on the right path. I love a happy ending, don't you?

This stuff is really dear to my heart and this is why: I have much younger sisters. One is obsessed with selfies, the other has had fluctuating weight issues all of her life. I have a dear friend who was severely anorexic and I thought that she might actually die. Most of my life I thought if I gained so-and-so amount of weight my husband would just up and leave me. Like there was a magic number that when I reached that amount he would about-face and say "Peace out". One day I was thinking about what my "worth" was all about and I realized the worst thing that could happen to me at that moment was for me to go blind. How would I be able to gauge my worth if I couldn't see? How would I be able to know that I had a nice car, looked pretty, was thin, had cute clothes, a cute house with a purple door? Scary, huh? I can tell you that our daughters see that stuff. We don't have to tell them anything. Those insecurities are out there like ugly Christmas sweaters. They announce themselves. 

Okay, so what do we do about this? I can tell you all the right answers, but that would be akin to my edited pictures on Facebook. How about I show-out the "pictures" of us trying to leave the house for the umpteenth time? Okay, so let's say the right things. Moms, we all know what to say. We all read that Pinterest good mommy crap all the time, and then post it to Facebook. Ha! Aren't we funny?! I can tell you that I make a face every time I put on my jeans right now because I am 15 pounds over my normal weight and can't fit into most of my clothes. I crop my photos so you don't see that. I am going to try to stop making that sour face. I have also started working out and quit raiding the Halloween candy. Damn candy for being gluten free. 

I am not going to pitch a fit when Natalia dresses herself and "fixes" her own

hair. See what I did there? Look at those quotes. Lose the quotes. She fixes her hair. It is her hair to style and she is learning how to do it. I need to back off. She is not a "Gap kid", nor is she heading out to a photo shoot. We are going to Fred Meyer for heavens sake to pick up cheese and then a bunch of stuff that wasn't on our list because it was on sale. I should be happy with her washing her hands, like once that day. 

I am going to listen with my mouth closed. This is a big one because my mouth is a big one. I mean, look at this blog. Wor-dy! I am a fixer so I feel like I have a lot of advice to give. Natalia has ADHD, so she ain't go time to listen to my dissertation on how calling out line-cutters in sixth grade will define the moral background of her life in her thirties. Yeah, she doesn't care. She just wants to vent. I've learned to ask "Do you want help, or do you just want to vent?" It helps me know what I'm in for. Most of the time she just wants to vent and then a hug. One good thing about being 15 pounds overweight right now is my hugs are a lot softer. Natalia won't remember that mom couldn't fit into her jeans when she was in sixth grade, but she will remember sitting on the mommy chair while I hugged and held her. 

It really bothers me when people don't like me, so I'm not going to try and sell Natalia the notion that she shouldn't care. She's going to care and it's going to

hurt. It's about perspective. She (and I) need to focus on the quality people who do like us. I tell her that if people don't like her it's because they really don't know her. Also, there is my strawberry ice cream analogy, which I found out she absolutely hates. I tell her that people are like strawberry ice cream. Not everybody likes strawberry ice cream, but that doesn't mean it's bad; it's just not for everyone. It's fine. I use ice cream analogies a lot. Jeremy reminded me that when we were dating the first time when we were 14 I told him that he was also like ice cream. I like ice cream, but when you have it every day, all the time, you are going to get sick of it. Nope. That did not go over well. He one-upped me by telling me that I was like cancer when we broke up our freshman year. He said just when he thought he got rid of me, I came back again. See, my analogies are yummy and cute. His are horrible. Jeremy and I were laughing about these stories walking back from the Little Big Town concert this week while Natalia looked at us like we were crazy. 

Okay, so let me try and wrap this up. I'm certainly not judging the kiddos that have social media accounts. Natalia's friend lives in Singapore right now and has one to stay in touch with her friends in the states. I get that. I let Natalia have one to see where it would go. Well, it went where I feared it would go. Not because there is anything wrong with her, but because she is just a normal tween. It's a lot of pressure for all of us. Even now that she doesn't have a social media account doesn't mean that all those desires to be accepted and keep up with her peers have magically gone away. Nope. Those are still there. I just know that Instagram fed the beast. I want her to know the pictures aren't real. Most of all I want her to know daddy and I are here to listen with our mouths closed, and provide as many hugs as necessary until we have to lock her away for 15 years because we can't figure out how to navigate her social media accounts. Sometimes you have to take the easy route. 

Lumpy Clay and Rough Patches

100% photoshopped and filtered

I feel like I keep writing the same blog over and over again, but it never quite makes the cut to your eyes. I'm going to explore another avenue of motherhood right here. The imperfect world of absolute brokenness. It is the taboo state that mothers do not want to admit to because we fear that even uttering the word will collapse our house of cards. We fear that announcing our defeats will crumble our fiercely held facade, which is sometimes the last thing we are clinging to. It is the last thing I am clinging to right now. An image that is crumbling before my eyes. Thank God because I am exhausted holding that crap up. Whew. I'm no Atlas able to hold up the world so I'm just going to start putting things down one pretty piece at a time. 

This has been a long process. I asked God years ago to move my butt over and let people see Him through me. Like, get me out of the way. Be careful what you ask for. I can tell you that I am not "there" yet. I am, as I put it in a Facebook status post, a piece of lumpy clay still. I mean, I know most of us are slightly lumpy, but I walked around for years pretending that my lovely lady lumps were supposed to be there. They weren't. 

I will tell you where I am at in all transparency. I am a woman who lost a baby in 2012. Yes, it wasn't planned and it was ectopic, but it was also my "last chance" at ever having another child. Jeremy didn't think the timing was right for another child so that is why we decided together that Natalia would be a singleton. I also never really allowed myself to mourn the fact that I lost a baby that day. I had one day of that scared excitement you get when you find out you are pregnant only to realize my body was not made for making babies. I also realize now the fact we have Natalia is awesome-sauce. I'm super grateful. 

I became burned out of my dream job as an ER nurse. I had wrapped up my whole identity as a person in that job title. When I left the ER I found I was no longer proud of who I was as a person. That really terrified me. I realized my sense of self was on pretty shaky ground if my whole "me" was built on a job that I couldn't hack anymore. Not only that, I went to a job where people made fun of the work I did as a nurse. That was humbling and embarrassing. See how the lumps are getting smoothed out? Now I'm at a surgical center that is not exactly glamorous, but at least it's not revolving around fecal matter. 

I lost my mom this year. I lost my dad when I was 21 years old. Therefore I am now an orphan. The kicker is that both of my parents are still alive, but they were so abusive and pathological that I have had to stop all contact with them in order to protect my own family. Both of my parents do not have the capability to love or bond with their children, so I have never really had parents to begin with. I didn't realize this of course until I had Natalia and realized what loving and bonding was really like. I am one of four siblings, but the only one who will fully acknowledge the abuse and neglect. Obviously I am not a very popular family member. This is another lump that is being worked on. As a matter of fact, this lump is a pretty big one and is being worked on right now. So I cry a lot at random times. Like at the doctors office for a routine checkup for my thyroid. Awkward! Dang it I just started tearing up right now....

I have lost my health. I look like a pretty put together package on the outside,

but my health is not good. I'm not going to tell people it is great to make them feel comfortable. It doesn't do any of us any good anymore. Denial has not been my friend. I have a disease that there is no cure for, and I long for the days past when I didn't even think about my health every moment. I am in constant pain. Every moment. My pain invades my dream story lines and then wakes me up. It makes my hair fall out. The medications make me gain weight. It hurts to move, but if I stop moving I will get worse. I push through and smile so my family doesn't worry. I'm exhausted on some days, and just plain tired on others. Most of all I'm angry. Like spitting nails angry. I'm angry that my body has betrayed me. I followed the rules, exercised, didn't lead a high risk lifestyle and I am still sick. Even now I am following all of the treatment rules and I am still not rewarded with better days. I am not yet at the point where I have accepted that this disease is mine and has changed my life. I'm working on it, but I'm not there yet. I'm still busy being angry.

I am afraid. Like paralyzed in my own skin afraid. I am working on my Master's degree and have clinicals coming up in spring. I haven't really got anything prepared like I should have because I am afraid of being told I'm not good enough or smart enough to be a nurse practitioner. Like, I am "test taking" smart, but clinically scary. I do not know who I am right now and it is the scariest place I have ever been in. I am no longer defined by my job, defined by my past, controlled by my abusers words in my head, or spoon fed by a teacher in a class room. I am an empty vessel and I can feel that void right now pretty strong. It feels like a vacuum. I get why people want to stuff all sorts of random things in there. I'm just standing still in my life right now trying to figure out what in the world fits in that space!?

So with all of this I can tell you that I am pretty sensitive right now. Like, can you blame me? I don't need anything from anyone. I have fabulous support from a good counselor, Jeremy, Natalia, and some close friends. What I need is time and healing. Both of those will come from me. I just want you to know that I feel you, girl. I understand that feeling of swimming in jello. I get how hard it is to keep up that pretty facade because some days it is the only thing you are holding on to. Sometimes a good day comes down to being able to match your underwear to your bra and that's it. Take that win and enjoy it. The pressure we have in our heads is amazing. What is terribly sad is it is really all in our heads. I have been more open with Jeremy than ever, and he really doesn't have any of the crazy expectations that I have. My fear is that I will let him down if I flunk out of school and that I am a financial detriment to our family. He is thinking that I am really smart to make into the program and I am a worthwhile investment. It's all in my head. Girl, it's all in your head too. 

Here is my parting thought. Dump the toxic crap from your life. I have A LOT going on right now. I may be too heavy for you if you have a bunch going on. I am 100% giving you permission to take a break from me if you need to. But seriously, look around at your circle. Do they build you up? When you get off the phone, quit texting, or leave the restaurant are you energized from the encounter; or are you drained from the conversation? I understand that everyone goes through rough patches (like me) where they aren't necessarily going to be able to pep you up with every conversation. What I am getting at is are they sucking you dry every time? You are someone to be cherished and your friendship should be reciprocated. It's a big deal. You deserve honest interactions and interest in your life. Gossip and snark are just not the way to go and these things are so contagious. I can tell you first hand that I have a hard time with these when I am in a bad place. Why? Because I just feel so crumby about myself that I want to make sure that I'm not the only crumby person on the planet. Announcing the faults of other people is my way of convincing myself that it's okay to drop the perfection facade. Then I walk away feeling like a jerk because I am acting so childish and petty. Call me out on that stuff. Jeremy does and I love him for it. Those are the kind of friends we all need.

I have wanted to share all of this with you guys for a long time. It's where I'm

at, but it is unpleasant. I want to entertain you with funny Natalia stories and perfectly filtered pictures, but this needed to be said as well. It's like the theme song from "The Facts of Life" You take the good, you take the bad; you take them both and there you have the facts of life, the facts of life. It was a good show. I hope you find yourself in a very zen place right now, but if not I hear you girl. I'm on my journey too. I'm a very lumpy piece of clay getting worked over by a gifted potter. It'll be good, but it will take time.

Untestable Intelligence: Brain Damage and Mom Freakouts

I'm going to try something new here. Lacowland is in the throws of some turmoil and I am going to create this post when, gasp, I don't have a good answer to my own troubles. I usually wait until I have things figured out before I unleash my insecurities out into the world. That may look good on facebook or whatever, but it's not real life. Speaking of facebook.... I will be the first to admit that my facebook page is like most of our pages. A cookie cutter version of my life, full of cropped photos with filters and editing. Honey, that ain't my life. My life is messy, chaotic, real, and full of a lot of love. Lacows are like Goonies: We never say die. 

Okay, so here is what is really going on between visits to pumpkin patches and vacations. Natalia is failing all of her subjects in school. I'm not even kidding. Like, even PE right now is struggling because she has tight calf tendons that make it so her legs hurt all the time. She can't flex her feet when her legs are straight. That issue has been going on, well realistically all her life. It's been the past year and half where she is miserable. She is having surgery to lengthen the tendons next month, but she will be in a wheelchair for six weeks. Yep, six weeks of non-weight bearing, emotional 11 year old who is missing more school. I have to hand it to her. She is going at this with a positive attitude. Like, she's excited to have a wheelchair experience. I can hear your thoughts and I echo those too. It will be exciting for like, a nano second. 

Okay, here is the bigger issue. The school stuff. We have known that something was off with Natalia since about first grade. By third grade she was really behind. At this point Natalia is in sixth grade, but only tests at a third grade level. Are you getting that sinking feeling too? Obviously there is something wrong. Like, really wrong. She's not lazy. Good Lord, she is trying so hard. This only leads to frustration all around. It is scary because all of us in her life know that she is smart. You can talk to her and know that she is firing on all cylinders. She just can't get her knowledge to her hands to write it down. If you ask her questions about what she is learning verbally, she'll tell you. She also can't follow a sequence or correlate pictures right now unless they are exactly alike. She had a map quiz that was open book. She can't see that the pictures are the same because one is in color and the other is in black and white where she is supposed to label the picture. Yeah, I'm freaking out too. Something is really wrong. 

Last spring Natalia fell off some playground equipment twice and hit her head both times. I know. I don't know how she managed that either, but it happened. She suffered a moderate concussion. Moderate means that it was significant. She missed the last month of school while she was recovering. With her traumatic brain injury (that sounds so much worse, doesn't it?) she hasn't been the same. She had a whole summer off, so there was no way for us to see how it impacted her cognitively with new learning. Oh, it's doing some impacting. Like, I think she may have some significant cognitive damage. Brain damage. There, I've said it. That makes me sick to write it down, but it's the truth. As a nurse I know this is true. As a mom I am in shades of denial mixed with panic. What is this going to mean for her in the long run? Is college out for her? How will she function as an adult? Is this fixable? Am I crazy and need to just go take a walk? Probably.

Another possibility that has been placed on the table is high functioning autism. We know Natalia is quirky. We embrace quirky here because all three of us are a little different. She is our only child, so we have nothing to compare her quirks against. Some of her funny quirks are the sounds that people make with their mouths. It drives her crazy. To her it sounds like people walk around smacking their mouths all the time. No one notices it but her. To make matters worse one of my nervous ticks is sucking air between my front teeth or sucking on my inner retainer behind my bottom teeth. Dives. Her. Crazy!

Routine. Natalia needs predictable routine and does not do well with spontaneity. Transitions are really hard for her. We have always just worked around this pretty easily because if you give her a 5 minutes "heads up", or "find a stopping place" cue, she does fine. Do you see why we took her out of the traditional middle school setting? Too much chaos; too many people. She is affectionate and snuggly with Jeremy and I, but she does not like to hug or touch other people. This has been notable since she was a young toddler. Like, she would physically push kids away or guard with her hands if other kids were too close to her. I didn't think too much of it because I don't like people touching me or being in my personal bubble. It physically makes me contract. To me, it seems justifiable.    

These are just a couple of her quirks that are starting to paint a bigger picture. So if she has a form of autism, then what? To be honest and transparent I don't really care about her quirks. Neither do her friends. I'm content that she is polite, empathetic, and makes a few quality friends. My panic button is school. I know her life as an adult won't be based on her 6th grade MAP scores, but the real problem is there is not a cookie cutter way to test her intelligence. I can hear the question "Who cares how she tests if she understands?" To that I answer "The real world does, and it will eat you alive if you don't fall into line." 

Yes, there are some Asperger's genius people out there. My research turned up

Bill Gates and Einstein. Natalia is not Bill Gates, nor is she Einstein. Let's be honest. I'm not insulting her intelligence, but I also know that she is not genius level. The reason this is important to me is because as she goes to college, or gets a job, or finds a career path her intelligence is going to need to be proven. How will she prove what she can't write down? One can take the idealist approach and say that she shouldn't have to prove anything. That is not realistic. I guarantee she WILL have to prove her intelligence because hiring an employee is a financial risk. A company wants to know that their investment will get an appropriate return. I want her to be financially independent because I don't want her at the mercy of someone else's wallet and generosity. I know I come into adulthood with a lot of baggage. Part of that baggage means I am insecure right now that I work very little while I am in school and must rely on someone else for my food, shelter, and transportation. Jeremy is amazing and loves our family. My insecurities are not because of anything he has done. I have a deeply burrowed need for the financial power in our house to be equal. I think this is something Natalia needs to take seriously as she becomes an adult. She needs to be able to support herself and be independent, or she will be wide open for someone to take advantage of her. 

My fears look ugly, don't they? I have narrowed my child down to an intelligence investment in one small paragraph. As a mother I know she is so much more. As an adult I know that society isn't going to care what her mother thinks. She is at risk now for young pregnancy, drug addiction, depression, and low self-esteem. I am at risk for being a crazy mama bear fighting the world off on her behalf. None of this is okay with me. 

Okay, so what do we actually know? I know that Natalia can learn. I know that she actually loves learning and figuring things out. When she gets something in her mind she is all in. Both feet jumping in all at once. You should see the research and creativity she puts into "customizing" her Littl'est Pet Shoppe animals. They are very creative. 

She acts like I would expect a normal 11 year old to behave. She isn't trying to be 16 and she says she enjoys being a kid. Whew. Sometimes at 39 I enjoy being a kid. She is probably the most empathetic and loving child I have ever met. I mean, sometimes it is overwhelming for her because she feels things all the way down to her soul. People like her are often called "highly sensitive persons". Me too. It's why I don't watch the news or read the paper. It's too overwhelming, but being sensitive is a gift. She has a perspective on other lives that is amazing. Like, sometimes I get some of the best advice from her. I hope she is like Maya Angelou and writes all of those thoughts down. We just have to figure out a way to get them out of her head. 

So those are just a few of my fears. I'm a bit single minded when it comes to solving a problem that freaks me out. I obsess. I'm obsessing now. I need to write all this craziness down so I can emerge from my Evil Queen Lair as a functioning mom and wife. Oh, then there is the little task of continuing to work on my Master's degree every day. Dammit, this is hard. 

There you go and here it is. Messy, but honest. As I told one of my friends this week, I liked it better when my biggest accomplishment as a mother was feeding my toddler vegetables for lunch. Every time I look at Powerschool I have a sense of dread. Every failed test she has to take again, and again chips away at our family. It isn't because she disappoints us. It is because we see there is something much bigger going on than just being lazy or not studying. As parents we tell our children they can do anything. Just work hard, try harder, and you will be successful. Well, my daughter is working hard, trying harder, and she can't. Period. She cannot. At least not within the current framework. We need a change in strategy. I just don't have that strategy figured out yet. There is the source of my panic. Fear of the unknown. 

On Monday Natalia is going to her psychiatrist's office to set up additional testing. I mean, how can you start fixing something if you don't know were the starting point is located? I am afraid that things are going to turn up much worse than we imagine. Yep, definitely the fear of the unknown is what is freaking me out. On my emails I have my favorite saying "It's like eating an elephant, you just have to take it one bite at a time." I heard someone say that and loved the truth of the saying. I need to follow my own advice.

An Introvert's Guide to Disney World

I am so excited about this post because I have a lot to share. I want to first set up some ground work to explain my different perspective on Disney theme park-ing. Our family has been to Disneyland/World more than 10 times since Jeremy and I have been married. I have come across people who really don't get why we would continue to go back after having been there so many times already. I mean, it doesn't really change that much, it's super crowded, it's loud, it's geared toward children.... What makes Jeremy and I (mainly me) want to return? I think I have figured it out. What really makes it unusual for me to want to return to Disney is that I am a total introvert and Disney is everything introverts usually try to avoid in life. Okay, so let me break down a couple of things for you first to "get" what I'm going to talk about:

An introvert is NOT a shy person. Some of you who know me on an acquaintance level may not understand how introverted I am. Jeremy laughs at my introversion because he says I am an introvert disguised as an extrovert. Introverts NEED time alone to recharge their batteries and really get worn out by crowds, noisy places, and social situations. Even work wears me out socially. 

Jeremy is an extrovert, but is shy. Well, shy really isn't the right word, but he takes a while to warm up to people. He doesn't do small talk, he has a small group of close friends, and he also hates crowds. This looks like all the makings of an introvert, but he HAS to be with people to feel recharged. He hates being alone and spending time on his own. He just doesn't know what to do. He needs social contact. Want a funny little kicker? Natalia is the perfect introvert mix. She needs time alone, takes a while to warm up to people, and will really get mentally sucked dry if she is in social situations for a long time without a break. She is your cookie cutter introvert. Jeremy is the extroverted odd man out. Everyone say "Awe, poor Jeremy!"

Okay, that has a point for Disney World traveling, I promise. Just tuck that nugget in the back of your mind, or start diagnosing all of your friends as introvert/extroverts as I go on.

Now picture the ski instructor from Southpark. If you've never watched it, don't

worry. You won't miss out on much of a joke. If you are going to Disney solely for the rides "You are going to have a bad time." The lines take longer than the rides, the rides are mostly cheesy, and the roller coasters are pretty slow so they appeal to a broad array of age groups. All the really good rides are dispersed on opposite ends of the park so you have to haul your churro eating butt all the way across the sparkly hot-as-death concrete to get from one headlining ride to the next. Yes, there are "fast passes" and other tricks to get you on to rides faster, but if you want to go to a park for rides alone you are better off going to some place like Six Flags. Oh, if you want to know what the hell a "fast pass" is and all that other Disney lingo, this isn't your blog. There are countless amazing blogs that will explain all of that. Let Pinterest be your guide.

So why do people like us go to Disney? Because we are crazy, of course. Okay, that is partly true, but I actually have a real answer. We go because it is about

the experience, not about the checklist. Let that sink in for a minute. You know those touring plans that will get you on every ride, see every parade, and find every character? We have those too. We look at it at the end of the day and proudly exclaim: "Look at all the stuff we did compared to the list! Let's grab some popcorn on our way out." We agree before we go on vacation that when Disney stops being magical we all tap out. That's it. We just stop what we are doing, quickly take emotional inventory, and just leave. I don't care that the park is open for another four hours. If we are done, we are just done. That right there is the best advice I can give any family. The second best advice is to leave the park in the middle of the day if you are at Disneyland. When you go to Disneyland you can just walk from your hotel into the park, so leaving is easy. You can't do that at Disney World. You are magically trapped. Just leave. 

Okay, so what are we doing at Disney World if we are leaving early and we are

The Queen of Hearts, Alice, & Dad

not in it for the rides? Why are we willing to throw down a small fortune to experience all the magical chaos? The key word is experience. You have to let your guard down and just go with it. Disney is not the place where anyone is looking at you, so girl, you wear that princess shirt. Honey, wear that Star Wars full on nerd reference gear. You will stand out more if you are NOT wearing a little something quirky. Natalia and I dressed in "theme" almost every day. We took characters from movies and wore regular clothes in the character's colors. It's called "Disney bound" styling. We are awesome. Jeremy did not participate. I ran out of time to make our special t-shirts, but his was a storm trooper reference and very cool. His idea because he is awesome.

She has spotted her prey

Another Disney thing we do is pin trading. Again, Pinterest will be your reference guide to the rules and how to get started. Once you have your starter set Pin Trading Is Free! Did you read that! Yes! Something to do at Disney that does not bleed your wallet dry. Natalia is the Katniss of pin traders. She will be able to see a Cast Member with pins to trade from 50 yards away and make a B-line to them in a slightly creepy, stalker-like fashion. Her skills are second to none. She trades all pins. She will have a pin theme of "keepers" one day, and the next day she will decide to have a different theme and trade them all. I am a methodical trader. I am very selective over the pins I trade, keep, and who I trade with. This drives Jeremy and Natalia crazy, and they tease me about not being "into" the trading game. We are all very competitive, so the pin trading is entertaining for us. We would go into gift shops and descend on the shop workers like vultures trying to see who could trade for the coolest pin. It beats waiting in line again for 30 minutes. 

Speaking of waiting in line, we have games for that too. I want to say up front that we go to Disney during the off season and NEVER during busy conventions. I am not willing to wait over an hour for a five minute ride. Yes, we pull Natalia out of school and that is frowned upon, but this is our big family vacation and I've never met a homeless drug addict who said their downfall began they day

they missed 6th grade Social Studies.  Okay, back to the games: We do not rely on our smart phones and social media to individually entertain us. Our love language is quality time, so that would defeat the vacation purpose. There is one exception. Our dog's boarding facility has a "doggie cam" and we would watch him run around and act a fool with some doberman that he befriended. Since Ripley (our rottweiler) is so skinny it was hard to tell them apart. A large portion of the game was trying to spot our own dog. One of the best things that happened to me for this trip was running out of data. It forced me to put my phone on airplane mode and be present. We used Jeremy's phone for the Disney app and watching Ripley. The Disney app tells you everything you need to know at the moment. Ride times, fast pass stuff, restaurant reservations. It's awesome and saves a lot of walking. Ain't nobody gonna walk two miles for the Dwarfs Mine Train when the wait is  65 minutes long! Skip!

The second game was for lines and in the whole park. You can judge our family on this one because it is kind of terrible. We set up a point system for other families fighting in public in the happiest place on earth. One point is just loud snarky comments by an adult to another adult or a child. Children fighting with each other do not count. The bigger the scene and the more ridiculous the fight the more points scored. It should be witnessed by another Lacow, but we also use the honor system. Yes, we had a couple times when we cast points on our own family. That was usually right before we decided to call it a day or eat a snack. I really have a hard time in crowds lately and actually had to turn to the people behind me in line a couple of times and physically demonstrate the amount of space I needed in line. Remember, this is Florida at 89 degrees in enough humidity to make you a crazed lunatic (obviously). I think some of it was a cultural thing because by the end of the week I started to see a common denominator. I started putting my hands on my hips and rotating around like a sprinkler while in line. I don't care that I looked like a nut. Don't come in my personal bubble! I'm sure people had the "family game" going on as well and I earned them a lot of points with my line antics. 

Here is another big Disney touring secret: Pack your own food. I'm not even talking about saving money, although you definitely will. When hunger comes up on you it will strike like a cobra. It will take out your children and husband like the zombie virus and turn everyone within minutes! You think I'm exaggerating but it's the gospel truth. Do you really want to spend 15 minutes in line with the angry undead who all of a sudden cannot make a decision between Sprite and Coke? You better have some food on the ready. Don't even think about stowing it in a locker. Those are at the front of the park past Main Street. You won't ever be back there until you are hauling your tired butt out of the park. Let me tell you how it's done. Go to Publix or whatever grocery store has meals on the go and grab meals for the family before you head to the park. Oh, don't forget plastic ware. Our top picks were ready made salads (just shake and eat), sub sandwiches, sushi (um, eat that early in the day), chicken with hummus and crackers, and those laughing cow cheeses. I swear people looked down right jelly as we sat down on a bench and ate real food, people watched, and planned our next area of attack. This is also a good time to check your feet. Jeremy got horrible blisters this time. We did eat at one character breakfast and ate lunch in Germany at Epcot. There is an app for Disney (of course), so don't just show up and wait. Get on that app, make a reservation and eat something for the love of humanity. The beer garten was surprisingly good food, air conditioned, and did not feel rushed. Jeremy and I had a coronary from the sausage and the price tag, but we decided it was worth it. They sit you at community tables with other families and we racked up a lot of points with the family at our table. Bonus. 

We chose October for our visit because of the lower crowds and the Halloween Party. Yes, you pay extra to go to the party. Yes, it sells out so you better plan ahead. People really dress up (adults go all out) and EVERYONE gets to trick or treat through the park. They have little trick or treat stations dispersed throughout and you wait in  quick lines for big handfuls of good candy. We were hoping to go on one of the rides that had a consistent hour wait during the Halloween party, but no dice. Still an hour long. We just skipped it. There were fireworks, parades, candy, and lots of people. Oh, lots of people. I guess that is to be expected when the event is sold out. It was fun, but I don't feel the need to ever do it again. I like Christmas at Disney better. I did have fun passing out glow sticks to little kids just for fun. I felt like the Oprah of glow sticks. "You get a glow stick! You get a glow stick! You get a glow stick!" It helps me hate the crowds less. Naughty children who don't know how to behave in line do not get glow sticks. Jerk parents' kids don't get glow sticks either. It is my passive aggressive way of "getting back" at jerky parents in line. I'm so immature. 

My final advice is to leave. When it isn't fun just leave. This is going back to my snippet on personality styles and really knowing yourself before you go to

Disney. It seems awfully deep for a Disney vacation, but Disney is expensive and physically taxing. You need to know what you are getting into and what you can handle before you go. If you have unrealistic expectations (like getting to the parks at opening every day and staying until closing every night for a whole week) you are going to be miserable and have miserable memories. We had the option to visit one more park on our last day and we chose to not do anything. Yep. We slept most of the morning and then went to Downtown Disney (now called Disney Springs) for a couple hours that evening. We didn't even last very long at Downtown Disney. The night before we did a bunch of research regarding the best park to see one last time and had decided on Animal Kingdom. We had this big plan and set up our fast passes for the day. Our outfits were picked out. We woke up the next morning and all agreed that if we had gone we would have been miserable and it just wasn't worth it. Bam! Tapped out right then and there as a family. Our goals for this vacation were not to cross off items on a checklist. Our goals were to spend time together, be silly, escape from the normal routine, and get our Disney fill. Once we felt like we got our Disney fill, we were just done. That's it. Done. I didn't even take a whole lot of pictures this time because I was too busy just being "in" it. It was nice. 

I know Disney is not for everyone. I think it is something that should be seen at least once in a lifetime just because of all the details and genius that go into everything in the parks. It's pretty astounding. It is a place where you will have more fun if you let your guard down and give into the silliness for a while. Grown women wearing crowns (me), kids wearing pink and purple cat tails (Natalia), and a man with a resting serial killer face wandering the park in normal clothes and a pirate hat (Jeremy) looking for pins. No one is looking at anyone but their own families, really, and no one cares. Disney smells good (some of the people don't, but Disney does) and it is all about families. I have watched Natalia experience Disney in a whole new way each time we have gone as she has grown up. She has gone from coloring at the table with princesses to

master pin trader/roller coaster enthusiast. Every time we go to Disney with Natalia the experience is a little different. I wondered about her this time since she is a "tween". I was relieved when she bought the cat tail and wore it everywhere. Still my girl. 

So there it is. The reasons we go to Disney and why we go back. It's not the rides, it's not the food, it's not the weather. It is our family place. I know our family has fun anywhere, but Disney is a special place for us. It isn't the usual vacation spot of choice for introverts or people who abhor crowds, but it is our place. I love Disney and I know we will do it again. Not in Florida, but Disneyland, California; but that is a whole other post.

Please Don't Chase Boys like your Mom did: A Proposal Story.

The part of my parenting that is "do as I say, not as I do" I would like to chalk up to imploring my worldly wisdom to Natalia. As Maya Angelou stated "Now that I know better, I do better". I love her, God rest her soul. 

This is the story of how Jeremy and I came to be an official "thing". I'll take the "official" once step further and tell you how I convinced Jeremy to propose to me. Jeremy doesn't really like change. If his life is going really well, it takes a lot of convincing to get him to make a big move that would create a shift in the matrix. Natalia, this is how the proposal for daddy and I came about:

Daddy and I had dated off and on throughout high school. This in itself is a long story that I will tell you about when you are older. It's cute. At the end of high school daddy and I were exclusive after I convinced him to start dating me again. This is an important part. I went after him. Had I not, you would not be here and I would not have had my "happily ever after". The summer after our senior year of high school I left for college in Nashville, and daddy and I carried on our long-distance relationship. After a year and a half of school in Nashville I decided (that I was out of money) to move back to Georgia and go to school locally. I didn't have a car, so daddy came to pick me up and move me back home.

I had been TELLING daddy that he was my "one" for a year. The one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and who I wanted to marry. I also let him know that I would like to get engaged and that I was getting a little anxious that our relationship was going on two years with no promise for the future. Daddy and I had been friends since we were 14, so he knew that once I set my mind to something, there was no swaying me. At one point he told me to relax and that he had it under control. 

When he came to pick me up we loaded up my small amount of stuff into his mom's red Nissan Sentra. All the boxes and garbage bags of clothes were loaded and I was making one last sweep of the room and saying goodbye to my friends. When I was in the room, daddy started in on this monologue about how we have been friends for a long time and that he thinks I'm this great person...... He's not really a great speech person when he is nervous. I kind of started to tear up because he sounded like he was breaking up with me. Then he got down on one knee. This was the moment that one of my dorm mates walked by the doorway. She gasped, squealed (because that is the noise that teenage girls make), and then ran off to get my other friends. Can you imagine this was before social media and cell phones?! We actually had to tell people in person or talk to them on the phone about our engagement. Crazy, I know. 

There is one thing about this story, Natalia, that I really would like you to steer away from. I don't know why, but I guess it has to do with the way I was raised. I was always taught to "let the boys chase you". I actually adhered to that advice with every boy except daddy. Well, except Sam in kindergarten. I chased

him all around the playground. There was a point where I had broken daddy's trust while we were friends, so I had to really work to convince him to date me again. Once I realized that he was the guy I wanted, I had a singular goal and evidently he couldn't resist me. I love that. 

I just took a personality test for one of my classes and I fall into the "Idealist" category. According to the studies, only 15% of the population are in this personality group. I mean, there are a lot of idealistic people, but your mom is pretty far on the spectrum there. No, I'm not delusional, but this is why I am such a Pollyanna. Here is why it helps me and what I want to pass on to you. If you have a dream there is really no reason why you can't just go after it. Daddy was my dream and I chased after him until he succumbed to my charms. I decided I wanted to go to college out of state so that is exactly what I did. I owed my soul to the government for a while in the form of student loans, but I did what I dreamed. I decided within a month's time that I wanted to be a nurse practitioner so I filled out the application and here I am, mastering along. One of the doctors I worked with was surprised that I only filled out one application for one school. He asked "What if you don't get in?" My response in all sincerity was "Why wouldn't I get in?" This is the way your mom thinks. Things just work out. There is always a parking space available near the front if you take the time to look for it (this is an inside family joke).

Okay, back to boys. It's hard when you are starting to realize that you want boys to like you, but you don't want to be the girl who is the only one doing the "liking". Here's my advice: Know what you want, but make them work to understand the kind, smart, funny, quirky girl behind that beautiful face. Beauty will only get you 5 minutes, brains makes up for the other time. There is nothing wrong with being pretty, but you better have sustenance to back that up. You are fortunate to be naturally pretty, so find a boy who will tell you how smart you are and genuinely mean it. Your parents know it. We don't even bother to Google the facts you give us anymore because we know you are right. Math is not your forte, but math isn't the end-all of intelligence. Find your dream, set your mind, go get it girl.

Setting Boundaries

Last week I got one of the biggest compliments I could ever ask for. I didn't even have to go fishing for it. My graduate professor and I were on the phone discussion something very grave, but in the course of the conversation she brought up that she thinks I am a very good writer. I really needed to hear that. We have to write research discussion posts every week and a full research paper every other week. I looked it over and between my two classes I write about 20 pages of research "whatever" per week. That's a lot of thought throw-downs. Anyway, it was a huge compliment for me. A few years ago I got into it with some girl on facebook (I know, stupid already) and she was very talented at hitting a sore spot. She misinterpreted a comment I made and decided to throw jabs at my blog. My comment had nothing to do with my blog at all, but her barbs really hurt. Part of me is kind of in awe at her marksmanship because it STILL hurts. I tried to not let it get to me, but then I noticed I stopped writing until recently. You see, I have a problem with boundaries. So today I am going to write about something I suck at, but try really hard to get right. Boundaries are hard for everybody. I mean, if we all had good boundaries then it would be easy and we wouldn't have to feel so damn uncomfortable saying "Um, could you please get off my toes?!" 

There is a book I recommend to EVERYONE. It is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It's a total easy read and some of the chapters I skipped over because it didn't pertain to my life. Get it, read it, and keep it around. It is especially important if you have girls. It's not that I'm saying we are genetic doormats. I just know that we like people to be happy and sometimes our boundaries get blurred if we don't have them set up right from the start. Think dating (ugh!). I wan't to know how to teach this stuff to Natalia now before she tells me "Oh my gosh mom! Drew asked me out to the movies and Panda Express!". Life goes fast. Boundaries include not letting Drew steal her lo mien just because he is cute. 

Okay, saddle up because I am going to get heavy on ya. I'll keep it brief, but this all ties in to why I am a crazy mama about this boundaries stuff. I want to premise all this with I know most of us have dysfunctional families on some level. Some of it puts the "fun" in dysfunction, some of it puts the scary in the dysfunction. I hear all of you. My family background is not a secret because it's not my fault nor was it my responsibility. Besides, everyone I talk to usually has some sort of situation, so I am never in the minority.

There is actually a "thing" called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). What cracks me up the most about this disorder (we must find humor in all things) is it is the one of the only psychiatric disorders where all of the family/friends will seek treatment except the person with the disorder. Here is why: One hallmark trait to NPD is lack of insight and empathy. Like all spectrum disorders, there are varying degrees to NPD. All of us are a bit narcissistic. Seriously, look at me. I am totally narcissistic or I wouldn't bother putting on fake eyelashes or glitter. The extreme end to this disorder is NPD sociopaths which we see in the media like serial killers. I'm not kidding. It's fascinating. There is no rehabbing from this disorder because, again, there is no insight or empathy. People who are involved consistently with NPD people must choose to either cut them off completely or set up firm boundaries. I guarantee you have known a person with NPD. Want to know the criteria? Of course you do because it is kind of fascinating. Besides, true NPD's will insist there is nothing wrong with them - ever. Don't feel guilty for looking.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder characteristics: 
from http://counselinginsite.com

• Responds to criticism with rage, shame throwing, or humiliation
• His/her goals are a priority and will take advantage of others to achieve those goals
• Excessive feelings of self-importance
• Achievements and talents are exaggerated
• Person has preoccupation with fantasies of extreme success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love.
• Unreasonable expectations for favorable or special treatment
• Constant need for admiration and attention
• Lack of empathy for others and disregards the feelings of others.
• Obsessive self-interest
• Pursuit of selfish goals

A lot of these we all do on some small scale. I totally believe that MY car should be let in at the last second in traffic, but I completely pout when I let someone else in front of me. Yes, I have that "Evil Queen" thing going on right now because I think it is funny. Do I really believe I am a queen? No. I wouldn't eat so much ramen salad if I was royalty. Like I said, it's a sliding scale and we all fall on it somewhere. I'm talking about the extreme spectrum people. People who are empathetic, kind, giving and helpful will draw more NPD people to their lives. It is important to take inventory of who you are so you keep your heart safe. Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Even if you don't believe a lick of the bible, this is still sage advice.

Let me give you a real life example of boundaries that I use. Natalia will get all dramatic over not getting her way (because she is 11) and start to dramatically (ie. loudly) cry. I tell her that she is allowed to be upset and cry, but I don't have to listen to it. If she wants to talk about it, she can come up to me when she calms down. In the meantime, she needs to go somewhere else where I can't hear her. Bam! There is my boundary. Is she all, like "Of course mother, I will respect your boundary and go cry like a crazed banshee in my room." No. She's a normal child. I usually have to get a crazed-mom, horse eye look and tell her to "Get out now!" Lacowland is just like any other house with a tween and a high-maintenance mother.

Good boundaries protect our kids from the ugly stuff. I just saw a Pinterest post that read "No" is a complete sentence. Yep, sometimes it is. When you get that gut feeling that you don't want to let your kid spend the night at that house, "No" is a complete sentence. When someone is pushing in on your boundaries "No" needs to be your complete sentence. You don't owe an explanation. People

who truly respect you will respect your "no" as well. That is something to chew on. Natalia HATES this (and so did my ER patients), but when she repeatedly asks me for something I said 'no' to I respond with "Are you asking me again because you didn't understand my answer or because you are hoping for a different response?" Make people be clear with their intent. Besides, nagging is annoying.

Okay, I'm going to help us all by reminding us what good boundaries are. Especially because Natalia reads these posts and I am trying to teach her to do good. Yes, that is my graduate level grammar. First I want to say that when I am upset because someone has gotten under my skin it is because I allowed it. The actual problem is with me and my lack of boundaries. That took YEARS for me to swallow and still makes me mad. It gives me the feeling of being duped again, and again. Bottom line, the problem is me. We all need to own our own stuff. If someone is invading your bubble, don't react. Take a step back and gather your composure. Setting boundaries means offering options. Like, "If you act this way, the consequences are this. It is up to you and I respect whatever you choose." It provides power to both parties, but also makes everyone take ownership. Ya gotta be consistent with what you say, so think before you set your boundaries. Is that really what you are going to stick with? Are you really never going to float the river again because your husband and daughter won't stop spraying you with squirt guns? Can you tell this is a real life experience for me? If someone refuses to respect you then stay away from them. You can't make someone respect you, but you can refuse to be disrespected in the future. Set a limit on that. Teach your kids that drawing that line in the sand isn't Armageddon and the end of the world. It's a limit. It's respect. It's normal. 

When my Sin Weighs More than Yours

This is one of those rare auto-immune mornings that wake me up at 4am. Sometimes my body just decides to massively contract. Poor Jeremy. I can't lie still so I will get up and take a pain pill and try to go back to bed. No dice. I should have known something was up when my feet clamped off yesterday and were freezing, even though it has been well over a 100 degrees for weeks here. The bonus is that it is like getting a few more hours gifted into my day. Also, Jeremy had leftover coffee in the pot from when he went to work. So, now the dog and I are hanging out on the patio during the only cool part of the day.

Friends who are dear to me know I love Jesus. People who aren't close to me and are reading this now know. Hey y'all, I love Jesus. Not in a "you should come to the potluck" kind of way, but in a "that's my guy who sits with me by the lake inside my head" kind of way. You know those times when you are in your thoughts and need an arm around your shoulder and someone to listen? Yeah, he's my guy. The one who looks you in the face and says "Um, you are being kind of crazy." Yep, that's my Jesus. The one who kisses me on the forehead and reminds me that I am a big mess and he loves me just the way I am. My kind of Jesus. He's not one of my crafted fabrications. He's all biblical, and stuff. The point of this post is not to convert anybody. I'm not that kind of girl, so don't worry that you will accidentally get my faith on you just by reading this. My sweet, loving non-believer friends know they are totally safe around me. 

A deep conversation came up in our family the other day that I really don't know how to handle. One of my little sisters thinks I always have the right answers, but I assured her that I am mostly faking it until I make it. I am going to keep the exact topic vague so we can all keep an open mind. I want to premise this whole topic with the fact that I am not a theologian. I am not a preacher. I am not a counselor. I am just a girl with a really good heart that feels most people are genuinely good and loving. Keep this in mind as I elaborate.

Class, I would like to start off with some definitions. Sin. Ooooh. Such an ugly word for almost everybody. As it should be. When I think of sin I immediately get the flashbacks of wooden church pews and discomfort. Okay, back to the definition. I wanted to go with a secular version of the definition because I feel that it is the most emotionally impartial. Enter Wikipedia: Sin is anything that goes against the ideal relationship between you and God. Simple enough. That is it. Now, I am pretty good on my bible stuff and understanding God's personality and I can tell you that this is it. Why does God hate sin so much? Because he really loves us and hates it when our relationship is "off". I also want to throw out the definition of the word "bigot" because it is being used a lot. As in, inappropriately and I am having to quote the Spaniard from Princess Bride every time I see it. Bigot: A person who is intolerant of any opinions differing from their own. A bigot IS NOT simply a person who decides not to go along with your opinion. As in, I am not a bigot because I will not accept strawberry ice cream as the best ice cream ever. We can all have opinions without being bigots. Please don't hate me for not being on board with strawberry ice cream. I like strawberries, I like ice cream. I'm just not a fan of the two mixed together.

Okay, back to sin. Let's imagine that your child is a heroin addict. The addiction to heroin would be the "sin" because it is an act that causes a wedge in your relationship. You therefore HATE heroin. I can pretty much assure you that your child hates heroin too, but the whole addiction dynamic is on a chemical level. The behavior of taking heroin continues to keep a separation between you two, but I know that as a parent you would fight to hold on to that relationship. You love your child and you SEE your child through the heroin. You hate the heroin though. To God, every sin is heroin.

I have some sin going on. Not heroin, thank goodness. If we are looking at old testament stuff I do a few things that are worth stoning. Like, death penalty stuff. I say God's name when I'm not addressing him, if you know what I mean. In the Old Testament that would warrant me getting pummeled with rocks. I have looked upon Ryan Reynolds with warm regard. Lust. I have put money and myself above God. I know He hates that. There are a lot of others, but I'll stop there.

It's a weight issue. Why am I hugged and lovingly accepted into church, but others are not? If the apostle John reminded us that a sin is a sin no matter how you slice it (I John 5:17) then why do some sins get more shame? We are all a hot mess. According to biblical laws, anyone who is divorced for any reason outside of an affair is really not divorced in God's mind. Not only that, the couple is constantly having an affair if they get remarried. Everyone is familiar with the profound divorce rate and we have all become pretty comfortable with blended families and second marriages. This issue holds less weight. Y'all get what I'm starting to throw out here?

I'm not saying that we should all start loving heroin, or divorce, or anything else that rends relationships. I am saying that we need to be mindful that we are not judge and jury. That's God's job. I believe there is a place to hold each other accountable in our lives, but when Jesus stepped on the scene he set a whole new set of rules for us. The number one rule that we all must follow is to love one another like he loves us (John 13:34). Aren't you relieved to know that when you stub your pinkie toe on the coffee table and you say "G-D!" you won't be stoned to death or at risk for smite?! Nope. God is not pleased that you use his name as a negative, but he doesn't want you to die about it. 

There are some huge political issues going on in our world right now that leave me spiritually confused. These issue affect a lot of families. A lot of good, loving, sweet families. Even though I deviate away from God's perfect plan for me on a daily basis, I know he still is utterly in love with me. All the time. I know women who have gone through ugly divorces and become closer to God. Yes, it is a deviation from the ideal relationship, or a sin, but it does not mean that a person is lost from Jesus. That would be silly.

Christian friends, please just love people. That's really what Jesus wants you to do. As a matter of fact, please just love me. I fall short every day. I'm selfish and a bit miserly with my money. I really wrestle with keeping gossip to myself and I cuss like a sailor. I even use the f-bomb in my prayers when I am mad at God. There are whole sections of the bible devoted to how that is wrong on all sorts of levels. Just be loving to people. Yes, sin is wrong because it keeps us away from God's perfect relationship that he had planned for us. Just like heroin keeps a child from actualizing the dreams a parent had for the success of their adult child. Does that make sense? We won't have our perfect relationship until we all get back to heaven. Just a note, you can't get into heaven if God doesn't know you. I mean, I wouldn't let you live in my house if I didn't know you. Duh! If you ever want to know more about this just ask any non-creepy Christian of your choosing. We love talking about this. Actually, sometimes we will go from non-creepy to creepy, so you may have to rein us in a bit. 

Okay, so here are my Jerry Springer final thoughts: You do you. As in, work on what you got going on with God and let God handle the others. Love each other and stop trying to divvy out weight on sin in an effort to rationalize which ones are better than others. They all suck. They all affect relationships in a negative way. Every. Single. One. I know it is trite, but really what Jesus would do is have dinner and make the most out of the relationship that exists. Drink a glass of wine and dish out some hugs. Gauge the appropriateness of telling someone the weight of their sin. I'm guessing they already know, and really is that your place or does that belong to God? I can assure you that I am fully aware of my shortcomings. They are waiting for me every morning as I wake up. What makes the difference in my day is the people around me who love me and let me show me that I am cherished. I'm not telling anyone to go around saying heroin is an acceptable recreation, or that divorce is the way to go. Just be mindful. Be the little hint of spiritual Jesus in the tangible world. It's pretty profound. Let's all do that.