Lumpy Clay and Rough Patches

100% photoshopped and filtered

I feel like I keep writing the same blog over and over again, but it never quite makes the cut to your eyes. I'm going to explore another avenue of motherhood right here. The imperfect world of absolute brokenness. It is the taboo state that mothers do not want to admit to because we fear that even uttering the word will collapse our house of cards. We fear that announcing our defeats will crumble our fiercely held facade, which is sometimes the last thing we are clinging to. It is the last thing I am clinging to right now. An image that is crumbling before my eyes. Thank God because I am exhausted holding that crap up. Whew. I'm no Atlas able to hold up the world so I'm just going to start putting things down one pretty piece at a time. 

This has been a long process. I asked God years ago to move my butt over and let people see Him through me. Like, get me out of the way. Be careful what you ask for. I can tell you that I am not "there" yet. I am, as I put it in a Facebook status post, a piece of lumpy clay still. I mean, I know most of us are slightly lumpy, but I walked around for years pretending that my lovely lady lumps were supposed to be there. They weren't. 

I will tell you where I am at in all transparency. I am a woman who lost a baby in 2012. Yes, it wasn't planned and it was ectopic, but it was also my "last chance" at ever having another child. Jeremy didn't think the timing was right for another child so that is why we decided together that Natalia would be a singleton. I also never really allowed myself to mourn the fact that I lost a baby that day. I had one day of that scared excitement you get when you find out you are pregnant only to realize my body was not made for making babies. I also realize now the fact we have Natalia is awesome-sauce. I'm super grateful. 

I became burned out of my dream job as an ER nurse. I had wrapped up my whole identity as a person in that job title. When I left the ER I found I was no longer proud of who I was as a person. That really terrified me. I realized my sense of self was on pretty shaky ground if my whole "me" was built on a job that I couldn't hack anymore. Not only that, I went to a job where people made fun of the work I did as a nurse. That was humbling and embarrassing. See how the lumps are getting smoothed out? Now I'm at a surgical center that is not exactly glamorous, but at least it's not revolving around fecal matter. 

I lost my mom this year. I lost my dad when I was 21 years old. Therefore I am now an orphan. The kicker is that both of my parents are still alive, but they were so abusive and pathological that I have had to stop all contact with them in order to protect my own family. Both of my parents do not have the capability to love or bond with their children, so I have never really had parents to begin with. I didn't realize this of course until I had Natalia and realized what loving and bonding was really like. I am one of four siblings, but the only one who will fully acknowledge the abuse and neglect. Obviously I am not a very popular family member. This is another lump that is being worked on. As a matter of fact, this lump is a pretty big one and is being worked on right now. So I cry a lot at random times. Like at the doctors office for a routine checkup for my thyroid. Awkward! Dang it I just started tearing up right now....

I have lost my health. I look like a pretty put together package on the outside,

but my health is not good. I'm not going to tell people it is great to make them feel comfortable. It doesn't do any of us any good anymore. Denial has not been my friend. I have a disease that there is no cure for, and I long for the days past when I didn't even think about my health every moment. I am in constant pain. Every moment. My pain invades my dream story lines and then wakes me up. It makes my hair fall out. The medications make me gain weight. It hurts to move, but if I stop moving I will get worse. I push through and smile so my family doesn't worry. I'm exhausted on some days, and just plain tired on others. Most of all I'm angry. Like spitting nails angry. I'm angry that my body has betrayed me. I followed the rules, exercised, didn't lead a high risk lifestyle and I am still sick. Even now I am following all of the treatment rules and I am still not rewarded with better days. I am not yet at the point where I have accepted that this disease is mine and has changed my life. I'm working on it, but I'm not there yet. I'm still busy being angry.

I am afraid. Like paralyzed in my own skin afraid. I am working on my Master's degree and have clinicals coming up in spring. I haven't really got anything prepared like I should have because I am afraid of being told I'm not good enough or smart enough to be a nurse practitioner. Like, I am "test taking" smart, but clinically scary. I do not know who I am right now and it is the scariest place I have ever been in. I am no longer defined by my job, defined by my past, controlled by my abusers words in my head, or spoon fed by a teacher in a class room. I am an empty vessel and I can feel that void right now pretty strong. It feels like a vacuum. I get why people want to stuff all sorts of random things in there. I'm just standing still in my life right now trying to figure out what in the world fits in that space!?

So with all of this I can tell you that I am pretty sensitive right now. Like, can you blame me? I don't need anything from anyone. I have fabulous support from a good counselor, Jeremy, Natalia, and some close friends. What I need is time and healing. Both of those will come from me. I just want you to know that I feel you, girl. I understand that feeling of swimming in jello. I get how hard it is to keep up that pretty facade because some days it is the only thing you are holding on to. Sometimes a good day comes down to being able to match your underwear to your bra and that's it. Take that win and enjoy it. The pressure we have in our heads is amazing. What is terribly sad is it is really all in our heads. I have been more open with Jeremy than ever, and he really doesn't have any of the crazy expectations that I have. My fear is that I will let him down if I flunk out of school and that I am a financial detriment to our family. He is thinking that I am really smart to make into the program and I am a worthwhile investment. It's all in my head. Girl, it's all in your head too. 

Here is my parting thought. Dump the toxic crap from your life. I have A LOT going on right now. I may be too heavy for you if you have a bunch going on. I am 100% giving you permission to take a break from me if you need to. But seriously, look around at your circle. Do they build you up? When you get off the phone, quit texting, or leave the restaurant are you energized from the encounter; or are you drained from the conversation? I understand that everyone goes through rough patches (like me) where they aren't necessarily going to be able to pep you up with every conversation. What I am getting at is are they sucking you dry every time? You are someone to be cherished and your friendship should be reciprocated. It's a big deal. You deserve honest interactions and interest in your life. Gossip and snark are just not the way to go and these things are so contagious. I can tell you first hand that I have a hard time with these when I am in a bad place. Why? Because I just feel so crumby about myself that I want to make sure that I'm not the only crumby person on the planet. Announcing the faults of other people is my way of convincing myself that it's okay to drop the perfection facade. Then I walk away feeling like a jerk because I am acting so childish and petty. Call me out on that stuff. Jeremy does and I love him for it. Those are the kind of friends we all need.

I have wanted to share all of this with you guys for a long time. It's where I'm

at, but it is unpleasant. I want to entertain you with funny Natalia stories and perfectly filtered pictures, but this needed to be said as well. It's like the theme song from "The Facts of Life" You take the good, you take the bad; you take them both and there you have the facts of life, the facts of life. It was a good show. I hope you find yourself in a very zen place right now, but if not I hear you girl. I'm on my journey too. I'm a very lumpy piece of clay getting worked over by a gifted potter. It'll be good, but it will take time.