Etiquette by Eight

I really like Natalia. I know most parents adore and love their children, but even if she wasn't my child, I'd still like hanging out with her. I remember when I was taking my pediatrics course in nursing school one of the books stated all the morals and manners imparted on your child need to be instilled before age eight. Let that sink in for a moment - age eight! Being the overly conscientious mother that I am, I have had this in the back of my mind since the day she was born.

This is the reason why I won't let her run up the slide when there are other kids on the playground. When she's the only kid on the play set, have at it. Being the little rule follower that she is, she used to get so upset when other kids weren't as polite during play time. She would come running to me to tattle, and thus began another difficult lesson: I am the mommy of one, not all. It was unnerving for her to learn that the world does not live by one universal standard. I would still throw a stink eye at the mother with the unruly child, but she was usually on a cell phone with no clue of her own voice volume, let alone what her child was up to. See - these playground morals are the basis for adult living.

So, I have one more year to drill home the morals I think she should live by. Sometimes I feel like I am cramming for a final exam. After age eight, she is going to make decisions based on her own personal morality system. I have to just stand back and watch. I'll guide her if she asks - but it's really all up to her.

My clues that I have been doing a good job are as follows: Natalia knows the difference between an art museum and a playground. We were there for two hours yesterday enjoying the shoe exhibit and painting in the family section. She knows to keep her voice dialed on low and not to touch anything. This was difficult even for me when we got to the piece made of ballet shoes, resin, honeycombs and bronze. It was hard not to reach out and touch all those textures. We both showed restraint and discussed whether or not we could get away with a quick touch. Then the suit guy who works there strolled past and we moved on. Bummer. 

I love the fact that Natalia will order for herself at a restaurant when we go out. Of course we have taught her the "please and thank you's" of life, but she knows how to speak to adults and to ask for what she wants. It's hard for her sometimes because she expects people to be mind readers. No, the balloon sculptor did not know that she had been eyeing the pink balloon crown for 45 minutes while we waited for a table at a Mexican restaurant. The waiter, however, knew the second we sat our tired bottoms on the booth because Natalia politely asked the waiter to send the balloon guy over. Jeremy and I were so proud (and giggling) because this required no coaching on our part. Up until that point, she usually wanted Jeremy and I to do the asking for her. She got her pink and purple balloon tiara that night, and even handed the guy a tip for doing such a good job. Okay, we did help her out with the tip part. It's not like she's a big baller flashing money around.

As Natalia gets older I can see a glimpse of who she will be as an adult. I like what I see. She is the kind of person who I would pick to have as a friend. She freely passes out compliments, calls me out when I have regressed into a toddler state of mind, and she is easy to be around. All children drive us crazy at some point during the day, but on the whole, she is already an amazing person. My next step will be trust, as in "I trust that I've done all I can to cram in the basics". Eight years is not very long when you think about it. Especially with children who are kind of just blobs of lovin' until age three. I have one more year and then I'll be required to cut another apron string and see what she can do. The mistakes will break my heart while I watch her struggle, but seeing her be her own person will more than make up for it. My love and pride for her are the super glue that fill in the cracks and keeps my life full. I will always love her unconditionally, but I am glad that I like her too.

"No" Problem

Sometimes I notice that I want to lapse into the land of "no". It has been a conscious effort ever since Natalia was able to make random requests that I have a good reason why I am saying "no" to something. This means a lot of times I have to tell her I need a minute to think over my answer. It is really easy to just say "no" and keep doing whatever mindless thing I am in the middle of. This ponder was ignited by a Smurf; Smurfette to be specific.

Jeremy and I are on the same front when it comes to how Natalia spends her allowance. She is totally in the infant stages of learning the concept of money and its value. She is allowed to spend her allowance, of course, but she has to put some thought into the purchase and she isn't allowed to deplete her account. She has her own bank account with her very own debit card, since we are a card society. I don't know about you, but I rarely have cash on me because I keep track of my spending better with my card. Her card is in my name, but the bank allows you to add a label to be stamped into it. Natalia was totally stoked when she saw her debit card has "Natalia's Card" stamped right on it. It stays in mommy's wallet.

She told me two days ago that when we had our mommy/daughter day (today) she wanted to buy Smurfette at the Build a Bear. Since I am not a fan of stuffed animals, I started to say "no" and wanted to lecture her about the accumulation Build a Bear paraphernalia that doesn't seem to be played with too often. Instead, I told her I'd think about it and get back with her. Now I only have my own child to go by, but I think it is pretty awesome that she is cool with me thinking it over. She knows that Jeremy and I have been fair with her in the past, so she won't badger or nag me about it until the official judgement day. She knows that even if I say "no", I will explain my reasoning behind my decision. Sure, there are tears shed, hugs needed and time to simmer in her disappointment for a while, but she really does get over it quickly. All that said, Natalia is the proud owner of a Smurfette stuffed "animal" (I'm not really sure what a smurf is, but I hear they are delicious), whom she named Odette.

The other day I started to feel a "no" creeping up on me when she wanted to go outside and paint together. I had to take a moment and remind myself there will always be dirty dishes and laundry, but there won't always be a seven year old who wants to spend time painting together. I knew I would regret my "no" at the water park the other day if I didn't go on the most terrifying water slide ever with her. She had already rode it with daddy, and in the 15 minutes we spent waiting in line, there was never any bloodshed or random amputations. It was fun and I'd do it again. Natalia thought about today's purchase for two days and now is snuggled up peacefully with Odette cradled to her chest. I really didn't have a reason to say "no", and although I wouldn't have regretted a life sans-smurf, I will always cherish the vision of my little girl proudly holding and snuggling the toy she earned.

A Purpose Driven Summer

I am a firm believer that everyone needs direction, a hobby, a purpose - something. I know that when I am idle, I just feel so blah. Now that we are in the throws of summer and Natalia finished up her summer camp, I realized that she too, needs a purpose. Hence the birth of the "Natalia To Do List". It's not quite as horrible as it sounds, then again, I'm not seven.

You see, Jeremy and I have started on our summer back yard project. I won't bore you with the details of how this is the second time we have "re-done" our back yard in the four years we have been here. I was trying to take on tree-hole-digging when Natalia started to hover, then she started to whine, then I decided to put her to work so she would have something concrete to whine about. Remember that from our parents? It totally works. I'm sorry, but as cliche as that phrase is, it has been kid tested and mother approved.

Here is the deal: Natalia gets paid $7 a week as her allowance. While she is in school, she earns her allowance by attending school, doing homework, and cleaning up after herself at home. Oh, and basic hygiene. Now that school is out, not only does she have more free time, but she also has to EARN her money. Granted, some of the chores on her list are there for my sake, like: "No whining or throwing tantrums" and "Be independent - you must try to do something three times before you ask for help". The other stuff are real chores, and she totally sucks at them. At least she does right now, but she'll catch on. When Jeremy and I got married he totally sucked at chores too, but there was a longer learning curve. While I wouldn't have called him an "old dog" when we got married, it took him a while to efficiently turn some new tricks, like cleaning, vacuuming, and noticing the clutter all around him. I'm hoping that since I have started early with Natalia that she will pick it up sooner than age 28.

The first time I made this magical chore list, she was so excited and felt so proud when she was finished. She went around the house with her little list in hand and checked things off as she went along. Of course, she checked off the whining/tantrum one first, even though it was still the beginning of the day. She was true to her check mark that day. Since we only do a big chore day once a week, I can tell you that the enthusiasm has worn out now that we are in week three. I knew it wouldn't last, so it's not that I am upset or anything. I just have to tweak the game plan to try and keep things fresh.

I had to step in and help her with the play room this week since it wasn't just a cleaning thing. We went through every cubbie and went all "Clean House" with it. She is really good about getting rid of toys she no longer plays with or has grown out of. She likes the fact that a beloved toy will bring happiness to another little girl. Isn't she sweet?! At some point I think we had the entire contents of her play room in the middle of her floor. I now know where her socks disappear to. I mean, why wouldn't you stash your sock in the play dough cubbie? I tried to coach her along, but left her to her own devices. She couldn't do it. She got so overwhelmed that I found her just sitting on the floor singing to herself. It was a Natalia version of Kanye's "Golddigger" (which she thinks is about picking noses). After I threw a gentle mommy tantrum at her, I went in to help her. She just needed some direction, a purpose if you will. She was more than happy to clean up and organize her own stuff, she just didn't know how to execute the job.

I don't know, I may be deluding myself, but I don't think I rescued her from the perils of Tuesday chores. There are plenty of times even as an adult that I have been overwhelmed and just needed a friend to come around and give me some direction. Hell, that is how I am feeling about the pergola project we have undertaken. It's a delicate balance in parenting to let Natalia struggle without exasperating the child. I am not so delusional, however, that I don't know when she is trying to work me over and get me to do something for her. She does that a lot.

Let's face it, she is in the learning phase when it comes to chores. This means that I have to go behind her when she goes to sleep to re-load the dishwasher and tidy up her bathroom. You would think that my child just split the atom as I congratulate her for a fabulously completed chore list. While I expect her to be able to put things away in my OCD cubbies I have in every drawer and closet, I don't expect her to be a young Martha Stewart. The important thing is that she is an active and responsible member of the family. All hail the "Natalia To Do List".

The Universal Language

I just finished the book "The Five Love Languages", not because Jeremy and I are having any problems, but because I was curious and my grandma happened to have it in her library. I didn't know this, but she does not like to lend out books from her stash.  She loves me enough to have lent it out anyway, but there was a polite warning. She held it very close to her and told me how she knows that I will take VERY good care of it. That's a lot of pressure for a self help book.

I have had a couple of girlfriends tell me that this book is pretty dead on. It was an easy read and oddly enough helped me understand Natalia better. Hello! Bonus. Don't get me wrong, it's not like Jeremy is chopped liver here in Lacow Land, but he and I are in a good place and I've been with him long enough to have a grasp on his personality. I have only known Natalia seven years and let's be honest, she's only really had a solid personality for the past four. Looking back I can see whiffs of her personality when she was a baby/toddler, but it wasn't anything like age three and up.

The good news is all three of us speak the same "love language". I could see how things could get lost in a relationship when you are trying to spend time with someone who wants gifts (you gotta read the book to know the lingo). According to the book, people love in their own language, but need to learn to be bilingual if their "other" speaks a different language. Sounds simple enough. You'll have to let me know since we are all speaking "Quality Time" around here.

I had a little Oprah "ah-ha" moment when I read the small section about children. Here I thought Natalia wanted me to drop everything I was doing and go look at "whatever" because she was an only child. Nope - that's just what we do around here. Come to think of it, Jeremy does that same thing. "Hey, sweet, would you come look at this?" The funny part is that any one of us will drop whatever for the other person, so we can come look at the fascinating object of our love's attention. And here I thought we just all had ADD.

All this got me thinking about how loved I feel around Jeremy and Natalia. My cup runneth over when she and I sit in the park painting together or we all hang out flying kites. I know she feels loved when we show up for her recitals, field days, class parties and karate practices. I prove my love to her every time I snuggle with her before bed, walk to the bathroom with her (yes, at home) because she is scared of being alone, stop to listen to her story about pirates or take time to examine her latest artistic venture.  I feel close to my family when we are sitting on the floor playing board games or just walking around the mall. I won't put up any front with you and say I always happily drop everything when these "quality time moments" arise. Sometimes she needs a little too much "love language" when mommy needs the silent treatment.

So this week I got to take a sigh of relief in my normally fretful mommy heart. Natalia will understand how much we love her because we are all speaking the same "love language". Soon she will be grown enough to start up a love conversation with someone else, and it won't be long before she no longer asks "Mommy, can you come be with me?" Nah. She'll always need me to be with her for something. I just hope by then our quality time will no longer involve me chaperoning her to the bathroom.