Christian Wife; Atheist Husband

I've had some great mommy/daughter ideas to write about for some upbeat blog-age, but they have been shadowed by some other "life" things going on. That is just the way it goes sometimes. One sucker punch to the gut was the loss of my dear friend's son who took his own life. He was in high school, not a trouble emo kind of kid. Like, the last kid you would expect to do this if you didn't really know him and his family. That is what is so frightening. His mom and I had some talks about how helpless she had felt because even though she was doing all the right things, he was still lost. Lost in his head, trapped by his own demons, powerless against his own despair. 

As parents we fight tooth and nail to protect our children against all sorts of tragedies like falling off of bicycles, bullies, using an obscene amount of hand sanitizer to ward of avian flu, kidnapping talks, crosswalk talks, make sure their shoes fit right and absolutely make sure they have pooped at least every other day. What do you do when the bully is inside their own head? Every once in a while Natalia will be over tired and extra hard on herself for something dumb she did and she'll say "I hate myself!" Well, the word "hate" is like any other four letter word in our house and that talk has no place in her world. I tell her that those words hold a lot of power and that it may seem like a flippant remark now, but that inner voice is listening. I think we all need to be a bit more mindful of our inner voice and the things we say to ourselves throughout the day. 

The other super whammy this week has to do with my marriage. Sounds very

juicy, doesn't it?! I don't mind telling people that Jeremy and I have been struggling for around six months or more now. Now, my version of struggling does not mean that we are at the point of apathy. It means that we have not been at our normal connected-ness. It all kind of came to a head this week when Jeremy confessed that he decided he does not believe in God. As a lot of you know, I was recently baptized and God is a huge deal in my life. As you can imagine, it was really difficult for Jeremy to tell me this. He was afraid this would be a deal breaker for our marriage and that I would be disappointed in him.

I cried. I cried so much that I had to leave work. We have little "chores" at work that we do throughout the day between patient care to keep things going and I couldn't even get through cutting Coban without sobbing. It was so embarrassing. I lasted an hour and a half before I went home, got back into bed and cried and slept, cried and slept. I still have a migraine that I have been trying to beat back.

So I talked to my "life coach" Amy who has talked me through multiple tears before. I remembered that Jeremy's relationship with God is between them, as is my relationship with God is between He and I. I am more sad that my dream of having a solid Christian family is at an end. Jeremy will never be the spiritual leader of my family and it is up to me to guide Natalia. It's just hard because I have to do it alone. It feels really lonely and totally scary. I seem to have these "dreams" for my life and I get really heartbroken when they don't go my way. I literally have to grieve over them when they don't work out. Case in point: My relationship (or lack thereof) with my mom, only having one child even after we moved here, leaving the ER and now the "I don't believe in God" husband. He said he doesn't want to be called an atheist. He said it is too soon to joke, so we won't call him the Anti-Christ either, but I thought that would be funny. Just not yet, okay. I'll let you guys know when.

In the spirit of being honest, this is what I have concluded. I was waiting on Jeremy still. I like the Pursuit, but I never really felt like I wanted to get involved. I'm going to find another church where Natalia has some friends at Sunday school so she will not give me a hard time. Since Jeremy probably isn't going to go very often anyway, I should go wherever I want. It's kind of freeing. 

Jeremy is actually more up front with me now about the God thing and he is supportive of my beliefs. Nothing drives me crazy like atheists who treat Christians like petulant children. Jeremy is also supportive of me bringing Natalia up in my faith and me being all "Yay Jesus!", like I normally am. We still pray before dinner and I am still going to craft up some scripture quotes for the walls. Well, actually one is a quote from a Pink song, but it does say "God is a DJ" which sounds pretty biblical to me.

The last positive but scary thing for me about all this is what if when Natalia

is older she decides she does not believe in God AT ALL. It stabs fear in my heart. I know that sounds all Shauna dramatic, but it is true. I can't imagine living without my faith in God and I totally cannot understand where Jeremy is coming from. I mean, I am kind of looking at him like he just sprouted a third eye because to me it is real as all get out. I have been at a person's side when their soul has left their body and I can feel the whole room change when it leaves. It is ridiculous to say that there is nothing going on past this life. I've seen ghosts on multiple occasions in hotels, in my house and so has Natalia and my mom. I realize I'm nutty, but I'm not schizophrenic and these things are as real as my morning coffee. Unfortunately, I can't give that intuition to Jeremy. That inner sense of "knowing" to him. Okay, the positive part: At least Natalia will have a parent to empathize with her if she decides that there is no God. It seems like a lonely way to go, but at least she will have daddy there with her to hold her hand and let her know he has been there too. I don't think he wants that for her. I've seen him struggle through this. When it all comes down to it, this is a choice that has to be made on their own.

So here I am, all poopie pants about the whole thing. A little annoyed with God because there is all that crap about "faith the size of a mustard seed" and frankly I do not like it when things don't go my way. Maybe I am a little petulant child that the atheist think we are. The blessing and curse is that I have child-like faith in an adult world. It gets disappointing, but I always hope, and why not? Giving up doesn't get me any closer than hoping would anyway. I don't mind being transparent in saying I am jealous of all you women who married Christian men, with cookie cutter Christian families. How could a child at 17 know twenty years later that it would never evolve? 

That being said, I wouldn't give Jeremy up for the world. I'll walk in my faith, just God and I (like it should be anyway) and have my best friend at my side who totally doesn't get it, but loves me enough to cheer me on. That is what love is all about anyway. He doesn't think I'm silly for my faith, and I'm not angry or judgmental for his lack thereof. We'll do a little marriage counseling, a lot of hugging and more late night talks while I sit on his lap crying. We'll have more family meetings with Natalia who knows this whole story already because it's easier on all of us if there isn't tension in the house. Most importantly, we'll make it through all this, grow old together and be glad we loved each other enough to cheer one another on even though we totally didn't get it.