You see, I was pumped up thinking I would be back to work on Wednesday (today is Monday) with the same song and dance as my last knee surgery ".... shredded cartilage.... smoothed out.... no running .... eventual knee replacement." I mean, really, I was just leaping (gracefully) in the front yard on a perfect summer Friday night getting ready to watch Toddlers and Tiaras with Natalia in bed. Nope. Not how it played out. I have sheared off the cartilage in my knee exposing bone, torn my meniscus (now trimmed, thank you Dr. Moore), and there is a good likelihood that I may need a cartilage transplant. I have to admit that the thought of a cadaver donor is sort of cool to me. I just love that kind of stuff. Honey, when I die, cut up the parts people need, burn the rest because I'm done with this busted body. Obviously ain't nobody gonna get cartilage out of me, but my eyes sure are pretty - kind of grey/blue like storm clouds.
Let's talk about Natalia for a bit. She has been fussing with this loose tooth for about a month. Last night she was not able to go to sleep because it was at the 180 point. You know that gross point when your kid can spin that tooth, but it is still holding on by Lord only knows what small piece of skin. Gack. That will make my skin crawl - not cadaver donation, but loose teeth. Anyway, she gets out of bed (I'm sure it had nothing to do with the box of Mike and Ike's she had at Princesses on Ice that night) and tells me something has to be done. Just for kicks, I talk her into pulling it out.
Okay, so she is totally squeemish and I didn't really think she would do it. She did it. I'm not sure who was more surprised, her or me. So of course I calmly grab some tissues because she is bleeding now and we just marvel and take instagrams of this tooth. Wanna know the real reason she wanted to pull that thing out? She spent all her money that night at Princesses on Ice. Isn't that sad, but creepily frugal? Oh, man. It gets worse.
She preps me ahead of time that she wants the tooth well within tooth fairy vision so she will essentially get paid for her lost dentition. I'm like "Okay babe. Go to sleep, but you and I both know you don't believe in the tooth fairy because you saw me playing with your teeth with Aunt Pancake. Are you just saying this because you want to make sure you still get money for your teeth?" At least she was honest and nodded. Okay, this is where my downfall began. Its name is Ambien.
Two nights ago I slept fine, sans Ambien. The night after that I tossed, turned, had a nightmare (like I frequently do - it's a Shauna thing) and at 4am gave in and took one. This night I knew I had to get back on a regular sleeping schedule and get her off to school in the morning. I did what Jeremy has told me countless times not to do - popped an Ambien, warmed up some leftover pad Thai and turned on Housewives of New Jersey Tell All Reunion.
I wake up the next morning on time and Natalia (who I usually have to come back to wake up after I start the coffee) pops up like a cinnamon pop tart and directly reaches over to the bedside table and declares "My tooth is still here! The tooth fairy NEVER CAME!" Now since you, I and Natalia all know that I am the tooth fairy let's all just clear the air right now. Mommy dropped the ball. Remembering that I am postop knee surgery, I hobble out the door to my purse and find the smallest paper money I can. Nothing smaller than a $10 bill. Ohhhhhhh no. Then I remember that I have a $5 bill in my closet. Okay, before you think we are big baller yuppie parents here just remember this is guilt money. GUILT MONEY. No the tooth fairy does not usually throw down cash like that. Okay, so a $5 bill is on the table, Natalia is still face down crying in the pillow (thank goodness so she didn't see) and I just palmed her tooth. I'm all hugging and soothing when daddy also comes to the rescue to hug and soothe and says "Oh, look Natalia! What's under the pillow?" She looks and there is a freaking $10 bill! I'm assuming this is the one he got from my purse since I cleaned out his wallet of paper money so she could go to the stupid Princesses on Ice - and yes, the first question I asked when she got home is if any of them fell, so there. Then, Natalia promptly looks for her tooth to see if it's gone and sees the $5 and snags that up too. She is grinning ear to ear and Jeremy and I are left staring at her realizing that communication really is key to any marriage for all sorts of reasons.
You would think $15 would have made Natalia on top of the world for losing a bone fragment. No. She was hurt. Hurt as in deep in her heart, make that little dimple under her eye pucker hurt. It took me a moment to stop, breathe and realize why. You see, she had been very fixated on that tooth for almost a month and she is a bit of a collector of oddities. Evidently I am too, since I keep her teeth. That tooth was special and important to her and a big part of her growing up in her mind. Top that off with the bravery it took to pull that out and you have a moment that she wanted recognized by the people she loves the most. I failed to share that special moment with her. I totally missed out. I let her down, disappointed her and made her very angry.
Even though we were pressed for time, I did the walk of shame to her bedroom to apologize. I told her about my realization and how she has every right to be disappointed and angry with me. I told her to go ahead with those feelings and be mad at me for a while and that while she is being mad, I will love her just the same. I asked her if she needed some time alone in her room and she said she did. Then I had to do another mommy walk of shame and just walk away and let her be mad at me. I love my Grandpa's words of wisdom: "you can't un-ring a bell". I use that phrase all the time, even when I mess up.
This brings me to fear. Ah that small word that can mean so much, especially this time of year. Halloween is just around the corner and I love me some scary movies. We even have our own ghosts (check out this link for the story on that) who visit our house frequently and that doesn't bother me so much. What does bother me is the fear of disappointing my family with not being able to provide because I
Natalia was afraid that if she showed me that she was disappointed and angry with me that I wouldn't love her anymore. As a child her understanding of love is really limited to what she can understand. She knows that she loves me all the time, but her emotions take control and sometimes she feels empty and turbulent inside. She knows now that sometimes her friends up and decide they don't like her one day and love her again the next day. Sometimes her friends' love is based on whether or not she plays the game right or shares like they think she should. Natalia knows that when she has spouted off to her friends they have turned right around with their toys and gone home. That is a hard lesson to learn. To guard her social life, she softens her responses around them, shares more, becomes more diplomatic and saves her ground standing for a time when she feels like she or someone else is being wronged. Sometimes she will field it off me first. Can you tell I'm totally proud of this stuff? What's even better is she isn't so filtered around Jeremy and I. Yes, it is super annoying right now, especially when she is slightly puberty-licious and her hormones make me want to strangle her ovaries, but I know she sees us as a safe place. He and I are the place to go to where she can be angry and unfiltered and we won't take any love away from her or turn our backs. Now rights to the TV or computer are another thing if she won't get that whining under control, but mostly we just stay and wait for her storm to pass. She is still testing this theory often to make sure that we love her unconditionally as new conditions arise, but I am able to reassure her that she is a keeper, no matter what.
Alright, so to wrap this up a bit I am going to use a quote from my now favorite book The Shack written by WM Paul Young "Mack, if anything matters
That's right moms. It's a little overwhelming when we think of it that every tooth matters. Every hug. Every violin practice at home when we listen to our little boogerfaces do one more run of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. This is what life is made of, though. My sweet friend Shannon and I were talking one day and agree that it is these little moments they will remember. Besides, evidently it is a lot cheaper at my house to be mindful than to pay out guilt money in the morning.
No comments:
Post a Comment