Mommy is Breaking Down

I have a confession to make: I haven't blogged in a while because I have been trying to disappear. Ever have those seasons in your life? Things keep going, not necessarily wrong, but definitely not as planned. This year has been God breaking my mold into something different. I think of it like one of my favorite shows "Overhaulin'".  Sometimes the cars looked somewhat fine, but to really make it what it was meant to be, it has to be taken apart, ref-fabricated, and put back together. For those of you who don't know my real purpose of this blog, it is for Natalia so that I can chronicle our life, her life and so that she will know me as a person; not just as a mom. So, boogerface, this was 2013:

On New Years Day I had surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy, tie my tubes and evacuate a belly full of blood. In true clueless Shauna fashion, I thought I had really bad gas from Domino's pizza a couple days before. What was emotionally draining from all this was the finality. A part of me knew that having another child wasn't the best plan for us, but another part of me really wanted another one. I mean, let's face it. I see people popping out kids right and left with no clue what they intended to do with them. I was excited and scared when I saw that positive pregnancy test. What changed me though was finding out that I have horrible endometriosis and the fact that we have one child is a miracle. 

In the mix of all this was a lot of pain and healing. Oh, I had some time to do a lot of thinking. Granted some of it was crazy hormone thinking, but I was still thinking. I realized that I was no longer listening to my inner voice - like the one who says: "Hey, this abdominal pain is pretty severe, maybe we should check this out." I was also going to physical therapy for daily headaches that had been going on for two years. This is when I realized my dream job had become my nightmare. I dreaded going into work, I hated the people I was taking care of and it was no longer fun. Good days were few and far between and when I did talk about work, I was either jaded or in tears. The reason that it took me so long to let go of the ER was because that job is how I defined myself. I was an ER nurse and that was the only thing that really made me proud. I even have a custom license plate that says 1FERN that stands for #1 Freaking ER Nurse. Well, that is the PG version of that ER nurse inside joke. I felt that lots of women were mothers and wives, but not everyone could do what I did. The reality was that I couldn't even do what I did any longer. It was wearing on my soul. So I quit and took a job at an endoscopy clinic doing some of the most non-glamorous nursing work ever. A lot of days my job is kind of mindless. The kicker to all of this is that I am a lot happier now and I have decided that being a nurse is a job, not who I am. It's just something that I do.

Shortly after I started working at the endoscopy clinic it was impressed upon my soul to get baptized... again. Doesn't that sound just so Southern Baptist? "It was impressed upon my soul". It's the truth though. I guess I could say it was like a goat head in my shoe that I couldn't shake. My Boise peeps will understand that a bit better. I won't go into all the details because I already blogged about my baptism, but you can click here if you are interested. I did realize that the god I had believed in didn't exist and I really hadn't lived a life of faith, just of fear. I'll get back to this subject in a few.

This year marked the 15th wedding anniversary for Jeremy and I and this was a super rough time for he and I. He was laid up with a work injury that needed surgery and we could only get along for a couple months at a time. We just were not in sync and could not figure out why. We had a couple heart to heart talks that included talks of separation if he needed it. Neither one of us wanted out, he just was angry and confused. It totally doesn't help that I am a "take it personally" kind of girl. As in, if he is having a poopie day, I think he is mad at me. He has to remind me that he is allowed to have bad days too without it being all about me (but isn't everything in this world all about me? Just kidding). It took Jeremy six months to sort out that it was because he didn't believe in God. Now this was quite a whopper to me since I had just dedicated my life and family to God and faith. This was God letting me know that the relationship between He and I was just that, between He and I and didn't include Jeremy. I was still pissed at God about this. My expectation was since I got baptized, my family would magically follow suit. I'm pretty sure God has a good sense of humor and unending patience. 

Fast forward to summer, I was leaping in the front yard (don't tell me you don't do this from time to time) and injured my knee. Multiple injections and a surgery later, I have been told that I have significant cartilage loss to my knee and am pretty much buying time for a knee replacement. I'm only 37, so I'm a really crappy candidate for a surgery like that simply because they just don't last. This has put some serious limits on everything. I am constantly reminded of this damn knee because it hurts ALL THE TIME. I am now a chronic pain person and that is an embarrassing thing for an ER nurse, former or otherwise. I now know that I am truly mortal. I know what you are saying, "Um, yeah Shauna. You are human." Just you wait until you realize that your body is betraying you with age. It'll piss you off too.

Ok, so this is not a venting pity party; I have a point. I have been living the life of a recluse Shauna because this stuff has got me down in spite of being medicated. Yeah, I'm one of those people too. I am not Pollyanna who will smile at the rain and say that it feels amazing. No. Give me a freaking umbrella, preferably something with a little bit of flair to it. I do, however, realize that this is what I asked for from His Almighty-ness. This was my prayer: "God, make me into the kind of person where people don't even see me anymore, they just see You." Yeah, be careful what you pray for. See all this stuff above? This is God getting me out of the way because I have a lot of garbage that I have encased myself in. I really don't know who I am, but that is okay because I am figuring it out and am meeting really amazing people along the way. I do know that I have a sensitive heart. So does Natalia. The other day she was afraid to talk to her teacher because she might cry. I reminded her that I broke down into tears at work and that it's okay. She did better than I. 

So I haven't blogged because I haven't wanted to be honest. I want to put myself out there to the world as some funny mom who tells anecdotes about her child and sees life in a positive light all the time. I'm just not that girl right now. I'm a "hide under the covers with the mattress heater on and look at the Pinterest humor page" kind of mom right now. That's fine too. God can work with that. I mean, if he can make a guy out of dirt, he can do something with me and my busted knee. I'm mostly put together already, so I'm way ahead. 

I realize I'm not doing Natalia any favors when I try and put off this "everything is always amazing" vibe all the time. What is she going to do when her life isn't amazing? I want her to know that it's okay to be pouty for a season and that family loves and supports you when that happens. Lord knows Jeremy has loved and supported me, just like I loved and supported him when he was going through his hard time this year. I want her to know that daddy and I are human. To a child, that is a hard lesson to learn. I break down, I work through life, I cope, I find a way to cut myself some slack..... sometimes. Sometimes I just go to my room and hide under the covers. Most of the time I go around scrounging up hugs from everyone, including the dog because it feels good. 

Alright, so this is me. I'm broken and when I write that phrase I instantly start crying because it is so hard to admit. The good news, is just like in the show "Overhaulin'", I am going to be one hard core fabulous machine when God gets done with me, it just may take a while. And like the visions of Chip Foose, sometimes I don't always get it, but it comes together in the end and is always worth the work.