Untestable Intelligence: Brain Damage and Mom Freakouts

I'm going to try something new here. Lacowland is in the throws of some turmoil and I am going to create this post when, gasp, I don't have a good answer to my own troubles. I usually wait until I have things figured out before I unleash my insecurities out into the world. That may look good on facebook or whatever, but it's not real life. Speaking of facebook.... I will be the first to admit that my facebook page is like most of our pages. A cookie cutter version of my life, full of cropped photos with filters and editing. Honey, that ain't my life. My life is messy, chaotic, real, and full of a lot of love. Lacows are like Goonies: We never say die. 

Okay, so here is what is really going on between visits to pumpkin patches and vacations. Natalia is failing all of her subjects in school. I'm not even kidding. Like, even PE right now is struggling because she has tight calf tendons that make it so her legs hurt all the time. She can't flex her feet when her legs are straight. That issue has been going on, well realistically all her life. It's been the past year and half where she is miserable. She is having surgery to lengthen the tendons next month, but she will be in a wheelchair for six weeks. Yep, six weeks of non-weight bearing, emotional 11 year old who is missing more school. I have to hand it to her. She is going at this with a positive attitude. Like, she's excited to have a wheelchair experience. I can hear your thoughts and I echo those too. It will be exciting for like, a nano second. 

Okay, here is the bigger issue. The school stuff. We have known that something was off with Natalia since about first grade. By third grade she was really behind. At this point Natalia is in sixth grade, but only tests at a third grade level. Are you getting that sinking feeling too? Obviously there is something wrong. Like, really wrong. She's not lazy. Good Lord, she is trying so hard. This only leads to frustration all around. It is scary because all of us in her life know that she is smart. You can talk to her and know that she is firing on all cylinders. She just can't get her knowledge to her hands to write it down. If you ask her questions about what she is learning verbally, she'll tell you. She also can't follow a sequence or correlate pictures right now unless they are exactly alike. She had a map quiz that was open book. She can't see that the pictures are the same because one is in color and the other is in black and white where she is supposed to label the picture. Yeah, I'm freaking out too. Something is really wrong. 

Last spring Natalia fell off some playground equipment twice and hit her head both times. I know. I don't know how she managed that either, but it happened. She suffered a moderate concussion. Moderate means that it was significant. She missed the last month of school while she was recovering. With her traumatic brain injury (that sounds so much worse, doesn't it?) she hasn't been the same. She had a whole summer off, so there was no way for us to see how it impacted her cognitively with new learning. Oh, it's doing some impacting. Like, I think she may have some significant cognitive damage. Brain damage. There, I've said it. That makes me sick to write it down, but it's the truth. As a nurse I know this is true. As a mom I am in shades of denial mixed with panic. What is this going to mean for her in the long run? Is college out for her? How will she function as an adult? Is this fixable? Am I crazy and need to just go take a walk? Probably.

Another possibility that has been placed on the table is high functioning autism. We know Natalia is quirky. We embrace quirky here because all three of us are a little different. She is our only child, so we have nothing to compare her quirks against. Some of her funny quirks are the sounds that people make with their mouths. It drives her crazy. To her it sounds like people walk around smacking their mouths all the time. No one notices it but her. To make matters worse one of my nervous ticks is sucking air between my front teeth or sucking on my inner retainer behind my bottom teeth. Dives. Her. Crazy!

Routine. Natalia needs predictable routine and does not do well with spontaneity. Transitions are really hard for her. We have always just worked around this pretty easily because if you give her a 5 minutes "heads up", or "find a stopping place" cue, she does fine. Do you see why we took her out of the traditional middle school setting? Too much chaos; too many people. She is affectionate and snuggly with Jeremy and I, but she does not like to hug or touch other people. This has been notable since she was a young toddler. Like, she would physically push kids away or guard with her hands if other kids were too close to her. I didn't think too much of it because I don't like people touching me or being in my personal bubble. It physically makes me contract. To me, it seems justifiable.    

These are just a couple of her quirks that are starting to paint a bigger picture. So if she has a form of autism, then what? To be honest and transparent I don't really care about her quirks. Neither do her friends. I'm content that she is polite, empathetic, and makes a few quality friends. My panic button is school. I know her life as an adult won't be based on her 6th grade MAP scores, but the real problem is there is not a cookie cutter way to test her intelligence. I can hear the question "Who cares how she tests if she understands?" To that I answer "The real world does, and it will eat you alive if you don't fall into line." 

Yes, there are some Asperger's genius people out there. My research turned up

Bill Gates and Einstein. Natalia is not Bill Gates, nor is she Einstein. Let's be honest. I'm not insulting her intelligence, but I also know that she is not genius level. The reason this is important to me is because as she goes to college, or gets a job, or finds a career path her intelligence is going to need to be proven. How will she prove what she can't write down? One can take the idealist approach and say that she shouldn't have to prove anything. That is not realistic. I guarantee she WILL have to prove her intelligence because hiring an employee is a financial risk. A company wants to know that their investment will get an appropriate return. I want her to be financially independent because I don't want her at the mercy of someone else's wallet and generosity. I know I come into adulthood with a lot of baggage. Part of that baggage means I am insecure right now that I work very little while I am in school and must rely on someone else for my food, shelter, and transportation. Jeremy is amazing and loves our family. My insecurities are not because of anything he has done. I have a deeply burrowed need for the financial power in our house to be equal. I think this is something Natalia needs to take seriously as she becomes an adult. She needs to be able to support herself and be independent, or she will be wide open for someone to take advantage of her. 

My fears look ugly, don't they? I have narrowed my child down to an intelligence investment in one small paragraph. As a mother I know she is so much more. As an adult I know that society isn't going to care what her mother thinks. She is at risk now for young pregnancy, drug addiction, depression, and low self-esteem. I am at risk for being a crazy mama bear fighting the world off on her behalf. None of this is okay with me. 

Okay, so what do we actually know? I know that Natalia can learn. I know that she actually loves learning and figuring things out. When she gets something in her mind she is all in. Both feet jumping in all at once. You should see the research and creativity she puts into "customizing" her Littl'est Pet Shoppe animals. They are very creative. 

She acts like I would expect a normal 11 year old to behave. She isn't trying to be 16 and she says she enjoys being a kid. Whew. Sometimes at 39 I enjoy being a kid. She is probably the most empathetic and loving child I have ever met. I mean, sometimes it is overwhelming for her because she feels things all the way down to her soul. People like her are often called "highly sensitive persons". Me too. It's why I don't watch the news or read the paper. It's too overwhelming, but being sensitive is a gift. She has a perspective on other lives that is amazing. Like, sometimes I get some of the best advice from her. I hope she is like Maya Angelou and writes all of those thoughts down. We just have to figure out a way to get them out of her head. 

So those are just a few of my fears. I'm a bit single minded when it comes to solving a problem that freaks me out. I obsess. I'm obsessing now. I need to write all this craziness down so I can emerge from my Evil Queen Lair as a functioning mom and wife. Oh, then there is the little task of continuing to work on my Master's degree every day. Dammit, this is hard. 

There you go and here it is. Messy, but honest. As I told one of my friends this week, I liked it better when my biggest accomplishment as a mother was feeding my toddler vegetables for lunch. Every time I look at Powerschool I have a sense of dread. Every failed test she has to take again, and again chips away at our family. It isn't because she disappoints us. It is because we see there is something much bigger going on than just being lazy or not studying. As parents we tell our children they can do anything. Just work hard, try harder, and you will be successful. Well, my daughter is working hard, trying harder, and she can't. Period. She cannot. At least not within the current framework. We need a change in strategy. I just don't have that strategy figured out yet. There is the source of my panic. Fear of the unknown. 

On Monday Natalia is going to her psychiatrist's office to set up additional testing. I mean, how can you start fixing something if you don't know were the starting point is located? I am afraid that things are going to turn up much worse than we imagine. Yep, definitely the fear of the unknown is what is freaking me out. On my emails I have my favorite saying "It's like eating an elephant, you just have to take it one bite at a time." I heard someone say that and loved the truth of the saying. I need to follow my own advice.

An Introvert's Guide to Disney World

I am so excited about this post because I have a lot to share. I want to first set up some ground work to explain my different perspective on Disney theme park-ing. Our family has been to Disneyland/World more than 10 times since Jeremy and I have been married. I have come across people who really don't get why we would continue to go back after having been there so many times already. I mean, it doesn't really change that much, it's super crowded, it's loud, it's geared toward children.... What makes Jeremy and I (mainly me) want to return? I think I have figured it out. What really makes it unusual for me to want to return to Disney is that I am a total introvert and Disney is everything introverts usually try to avoid in life. Okay, so let me break down a couple of things for you first to "get" what I'm going to talk about:

An introvert is NOT a shy person. Some of you who know me on an acquaintance level may not understand how introverted I am. Jeremy laughs at my introversion because he says I am an introvert disguised as an extrovert. Introverts NEED time alone to recharge their batteries and really get worn out by crowds, noisy places, and social situations. Even work wears me out socially. 

Jeremy is an extrovert, but is shy. Well, shy really isn't the right word, but he takes a while to warm up to people. He doesn't do small talk, he has a small group of close friends, and he also hates crowds. This looks like all the makings of an introvert, but he HAS to be with people to feel recharged. He hates being alone and spending time on his own. He just doesn't know what to do. He needs social contact. Want a funny little kicker? Natalia is the perfect introvert mix. She needs time alone, takes a while to warm up to people, and will really get mentally sucked dry if she is in social situations for a long time without a break. She is your cookie cutter introvert. Jeremy is the extroverted odd man out. Everyone say "Awe, poor Jeremy!"

Okay, that has a point for Disney World traveling, I promise. Just tuck that nugget in the back of your mind, or start diagnosing all of your friends as introvert/extroverts as I go on.

Now picture the ski instructor from Southpark. If you've never watched it, don't

worry. You won't miss out on much of a joke. If you are going to Disney solely for the rides "You are going to have a bad time." The lines take longer than the rides, the rides are mostly cheesy, and the roller coasters are pretty slow so they appeal to a broad array of age groups. All the really good rides are dispersed on opposite ends of the park so you have to haul your churro eating butt all the way across the sparkly hot-as-death concrete to get from one headlining ride to the next. Yes, there are "fast passes" and other tricks to get you on to rides faster, but if you want to go to a park for rides alone you are better off going to some place like Six Flags. Oh, if you want to know what the hell a "fast pass" is and all that other Disney lingo, this isn't your blog. There are countless amazing blogs that will explain all of that. Let Pinterest be your guide.

So why do people like us go to Disney? Because we are crazy, of course. Okay, that is partly true, but I actually have a real answer. We go because it is about

the experience, not about the checklist. Let that sink in for a minute. You know those touring plans that will get you on every ride, see every parade, and find every character? We have those too. We look at it at the end of the day and proudly exclaim: "Look at all the stuff we did compared to the list! Let's grab some popcorn on our way out." We agree before we go on vacation that when Disney stops being magical we all tap out. That's it. We just stop what we are doing, quickly take emotional inventory, and just leave. I don't care that the park is open for another four hours. If we are done, we are just done. That right there is the best advice I can give any family. The second best advice is to leave the park in the middle of the day if you are at Disneyland. When you go to Disneyland you can just walk from your hotel into the park, so leaving is easy. You can't do that at Disney World. You are magically trapped. Just leave. 

Okay, so what are we doing at Disney World if we are leaving early and we are

The Queen of Hearts, Alice, & Dad

not in it for the rides? Why are we willing to throw down a small fortune to experience all the magical chaos? The key word is experience. You have to let your guard down and just go with it. Disney is not the place where anyone is looking at you, so girl, you wear that princess shirt. Honey, wear that Star Wars full on nerd reference gear. You will stand out more if you are NOT wearing a little something quirky. Natalia and I dressed in "theme" almost every day. We took characters from movies and wore regular clothes in the character's colors. It's called "Disney bound" styling. We are awesome. Jeremy did not participate. I ran out of time to make our special t-shirts, but his was a storm trooper reference and very cool. His idea because he is awesome.

She has spotted her prey

Another Disney thing we do is pin trading. Again, Pinterest will be your reference guide to the rules and how to get started. Once you have your starter set Pin Trading Is Free! Did you read that! Yes! Something to do at Disney that does not bleed your wallet dry. Natalia is the Katniss of pin traders. She will be able to see a Cast Member with pins to trade from 50 yards away and make a B-line to them in a slightly creepy, stalker-like fashion. Her skills are second to none. She trades all pins. She will have a pin theme of "keepers" one day, and the next day she will decide to have a different theme and trade them all. I am a methodical trader. I am very selective over the pins I trade, keep, and who I trade with. This drives Jeremy and Natalia crazy, and they tease me about not being "into" the trading game. We are all very competitive, so the pin trading is entertaining for us. We would go into gift shops and descend on the shop workers like vultures trying to see who could trade for the coolest pin. It beats waiting in line again for 30 minutes. 

Speaking of waiting in line, we have games for that too. I want to say up front that we go to Disney during the off season and NEVER during busy conventions. I am not willing to wait over an hour for a five minute ride. Yes, we pull Natalia out of school and that is frowned upon, but this is our big family vacation and I've never met a homeless drug addict who said their downfall began they day

they missed 6th grade Social Studies.  Okay, back to the games: We do not rely on our smart phones and social media to individually entertain us. Our love language is quality time, so that would defeat the vacation purpose. There is one exception. Our dog's boarding facility has a "doggie cam" and we would watch him run around and act a fool with some doberman that he befriended. Since Ripley (our rottweiler) is so skinny it was hard to tell them apart. A large portion of the game was trying to spot our own dog. One of the best things that happened to me for this trip was running out of data. It forced me to put my phone on airplane mode and be present. We used Jeremy's phone for the Disney app and watching Ripley. The Disney app tells you everything you need to know at the moment. Ride times, fast pass stuff, restaurant reservations. It's awesome and saves a lot of walking. Ain't nobody gonna walk two miles for the Dwarfs Mine Train when the wait is  65 minutes long! Skip!

The second game was for lines and in the whole park. You can judge our family on this one because it is kind of terrible. We set up a point system for other families fighting in public in the happiest place on earth. One point is just loud snarky comments by an adult to another adult or a child. Children fighting with each other do not count. The bigger the scene and the more ridiculous the fight the more points scored. It should be witnessed by another Lacow, but we also use the honor system. Yes, we had a couple times when we cast points on our own family. That was usually right before we decided to call it a day or eat a snack. I really have a hard time in crowds lately and actually had to turn to the people behind me in line a couple of times and physically demonstrate the amount of space I needed in line. Remember, this is Florida at 89 degrees in enough humidity to make you a crazed lunatic (obviously). I think some of it was a cultural thing because by the end of the week I started to see a common denominator. I started putting my hands on my hips and rotating around like a sprinkler while in line. I don't care that I looked like a nut. Don't come in my personal bubble! I'm sure people had the "family game" going on as well and I earned them a lot of points with my line antics. 

Here is another big Disney touring secret: Pack your own food. I'm not even talking about saving money, although you definitely will. When hunger comes up on you it will strike like a cobra. It will take out your children and husband like the zombie virus and turn everyone within minutes! You think I'm exaggerating but it's the gospel truth. Do you really want to spend 15 minutes in line with the angry undead who all of a sudden cannot make a decision between Sprite and Coke? You better have some food on the ready. Don't even think about stowing it in a locker. Those are at the front of the park past Main Street. You won't ever be back there until you are hauling your tired butt out of the park. Let me tell you how it's done. Go to Publix or whatever grocery store has meals on the go and grab meals for the family before you head to the park. Oh, don't forget plastic ware. Our top picks were ready made salads (just shake and eat), sub sandwiches, sushi (um, eat that early in the day), chicken with hummus and crackers, and those laughing cow cheeses. I swear people looked down right jelly as we sat down on a bench and ate real food, people watched, and planned our next area of attack. This is also a good time to check your feet. Jeremy got horrible blisters this time. We did eat at one character breakfast and ate lunch in Germany at Epcot. There is an app for Disney (of course), so don't just show up and wait. Get on that app, make a reservation and eat something for the love of humanity. The beer garten was surprisingly good food, air conditioned, and did not feel rushed. Jeremy and I had a coronary from the sausage and the price tag, but we decided it was worth it. They sit you at community tables with other families and we racked up a lot of points with the family at our table. Bonus. 

We chose October for our visit because of the lower crowds and the Halloween Party. Yes, you pay extra to go to the party. Yes, it sells out so you better plan ahead. People really dress up (adults go all out) and EVERYONE gets to trick or treat through the park. They have little trick or treat stations dispersed throughout and you wait in  quick lines for big handfuls of good candy. We were hoping to go on one of the rides that had a consistent hour wait during the Halloween party, but no dice. Still an hour long. We just skipped it. There were fireworks, parades, candy, and lots of people. Oh, lots of people. I guess that is to be expected when the event is sold out. It was fun, but I don't feel the need to ever do it again. I like Christmas at Disney better. I did have fun passing out glow sticks to little kids just for fun. I felt like the Oprah of glow sticks. "You get a glow stick! You get a glow stick! You get a glow stick!" It helps me hate the crowds less. Naughty children who don't know how to behave in line do not get glow sticks. Jerk parents' kids don't get glow sticks either. It is my passive aggressive way of "getting back" at jerky parents in line. I'm so immature. 

My final advice is to leave. When it isn't fun just leave. This is going back to my snippet on personality styles and really knowing yourself before you go to

Disney. It seems awfully deep for a Disney vacation, but Disney is expensive and physically taxing. You need to know what you are getting into and what you can handle before you go. If you have unrealistic expectations (like getting to the parks at opening every day and staying until closing every night for a whole week) you are going to be miserable and have miserable memories. We had the option to visit one more park on our last day and we chose to not do anything. Yep. We slept most of the morning and then went to Downtown Disney (now called Disney Springs) for a couple hours that evening. We didn't even last very long at Downtown Disney. The night before we did a bunch of research regarding the best park to see one last time and had decided on Animal Kingdom. We had this big plan and set up our fast passes for the day. Our outfits were picked out. We woke up the next morning and all agreed that if we had gone we would have been miserable and it just wasn't worth it. Bam! Tapped out right then and there as a family. Our goals for this vacation were not to cross off items on a checklist. Our goals were to spend time together, be silly, escape from the normal routine, and get our Disney fill. Once we felt like we got our Disney fill, we were just done. That's it. Done. I didn't even take a whole lot of pictures this time because I was too busy just being "in" it. It was nice. 

I know Disney is not for everyone. I think it is something that should be seen at least once in a lifetime just because of all the details and genius that go into everything in the parks. It's pretty astounding. It is a place where you will have more fun if you let your guard down and give into the silliness for a while. Grown women wearing crowns (me), kids wearing pink and purple cat tails (Natalia), and a man with a resting serial killer face wandering the park in normal clothes and a pirate hat (Jeremy) looking for pins. No one is looking at anyone but their own families, really, and no one cares. Disney smells good (some of the people don't, but Disney does) and it is all about families. I have watched Natalia experience Disney in a whole new way each time we have gone as she has grown up. She has gone from coloring at the table with princesses to

master pin trader/roller coaster enthusiast. Every time we go to Disney with Natalia the experience is a little different. I wondered about her this time since she is a "tween". I was relieved when she bought the cat tail and wore it everywhere. Still my girl. 

So there it is. The reasons we go to Disney and why we go back. It's not the rides, it's not the food, it's not the weather. It is our family place. I know our family has fun anywhere, but Disney is a special place for us. It isn't the usual vacation spot of choice for introverts or people who abhor crowds, but it is our place. I love Disney and I know we will do it again. Not in Florida, but Disneyland, California; but that is a whole other post.