Lacow Child Labor Laws

As mothers, we are diabolical villains. Oh yeah, we love our sweet babies and will lay down our souls for their precious lives, but on the day to day few people will plot against a child like her own mother. I spend so much energy and synopses trying to out smart, out maneuver and up the ante for Natalia. There is no rest for my plotting schemes because the moment I think I've got it figured out - she grows up a little. Crap.

Part of my research and development is me cruising through Pinterest. I know, I know. It's a time suck, but I really have got a lot of good ideas there. Jeremy dreads me being on that site because his "honey do" list keeps expanding. Tonight's diabolically crafty project was my "child labor sticks of despair". Because I am a believer in all things looking cute and fun, these punishment sticks are the cutest ones ever. Well, maybe not ever, but they sure got Natalia all excited - until I told her what they are for. 

You see, we have this (among many) issue with Natalia talking all tween-like. Now, I'm really not sure what a tween is, but they evidently talk snotty - even when they are trying to be polite. It's this quasi-valley girl speak where she'll throw in a "please" so I'm not sure if she's being sarcastic or legit. Oddly enough, she is being legit and doesn't realize how that comes across. It's kind of like when she was trying to learn sarcasm and told Jeremy she was going to poke him in the eye with a spoon. It's a delicate form of communication that has little nuances which require practice. She's much better at sarcasm now, thank goodness.

Even when I try and get her to rephrase a question, comment or concern in "normal speak", she has a hard time breaking this tween talk habit. That's when Jeremy and I (well, mostly me) decided to make it painful. Physically painful. Enter my "child labor sticks of despair". 

They are literally popsicle sticks with crafty paper on one side, and pink paint on the other. Okay, I admit they ended up looking like fancy emery boards, but whatev's. Oops, maybe that's where she learned to talk like that.... Okay, back to my sticks of despair:  Each stick has a label on it with a manual labor chore that I personally hate to do. Every time she talks snotty tween at Jeremy or I, she gets to pick a cutsie little stick out of a fancy, cutsie little bottle. I took a little time scheming because I don't want chores that will require a lot of work on my part - that would not be very Evil Queen like, now would it? Also, these are short chores because you and I both know that whining takes approximately a half hour. Therefore each chore will take about thirty-five minutes. Wanna know what they are? I thought so.

My evil chore list includes picking up dog poop (that first one will be a doozie since we've let some piles accumulate this winter), wiping down the baseboards in a room of my choosing, weeding the flower beds, sweeping either the back patio or walkway (two different sticks of despair), writing her alphabet three times in perfect lettering (yeah, below the belt there, right?!) and others. There were nine in all and I'm ready to make more if I have to. My evil plan is for her to pick her own punishment out of the container. Pure evil, I know. 

Hey, if this is what I have to do to get my daughter to talk in semi-normal American dialect, then I'm gonna do it. I'll keep my Pinterest account active and running with new schemes on my fight against a bratty child. My Pinterest board for this is even called "Mommy dearest". I'm sorry, but Natalia will have plenty of friends in her life, so I don't really need to fill that role. Whenever she tells me "You're not being a good friend, you know that!?" (yes, she says exactly that) I confidently tell her that I am her mommy first and her friend second. Then I also add how charming I think she is and that is why I know she will have plenty of friends. She will, however, only ever have one mommy. One scheming, conniving, researching, tireless, crafty, ever loving mommy who has made it a priority to make her into a polite and tolerable woman. 

Chivalry, Hipocracy and Women's Equality

I've admitted this before: I am a terrible hypocrite. And since I'm being all confessional, there are certain things that will totally fire me up every time and Jeremy thinks it's hilarious to push those buttons. Take for example women's rights or women's equality - whatever term floats your boat.

It started when Jeremy told me about a care tag on a pair of jeans that got a bunch of people very upset because it read something to the effect of "get your woman to wash it, that's her job". I don't know, I didn't take time to Google it, so I am just regurgitating Jeremy info. Laundry is a touchy subject in Lacowland and I use it to show my anger at Jeremy or to retaliate in some way. When I'm upset I don't touch his laundry and I give him absolutely no warning. It's a little below the belt, I know. That's how hard core I am. Anyway, Jeremy and I were having this discussion at the coffee shop while Natalia was supposed to be concentrating on her homework. Since the conversation got a bit heated, of course she was all ears.

Jeremy had a good point that if there was a similar tag on a lawn mower, let's say the manual, then I would totally think it's funny. Blah, blah, blah... how to operate the lawnmower... or just have your husband do it. I refuse to mow the lawn because ours isn't self propelled. Natalia wanted to know what the discussion was about by using her favorite term "I don't get it." I tried to explain to her in G rated terms that some people think women are supposed to do housework while the man goes out and earns a living. I also explained that now it seems women are expected to keep and manage the home all while working full time and keep the kids organized, bathed, groomed, vaccinated, and checked up. Jeremy gave me a bit of the stink eye because when it comes down to it, he is really involved and helps out a lot. Besides, there are some chores that I refuse to do and he has to pick up that slack. Seriously, if I wasn't married, I would hire someone to do the Jeremy chores.

Nothing drives me more crazy than anyone suggesting that women are inferior to men because we have ovaries and boobies. I also abhor the stereotypes of what women should be, or what a woman who thinks she should be equal should be. Here's the hypocrisy part:

While yes I can open a door for myself, I shouldn't when I am with a man. That's right. He should do it every time for a lady. Physically men have more muscle tissue because they carry more testosterone, so they should also do the heavy lifting. Even Plato agrees with me here. I think men should be the dashing hero who believes the lady is amazing and can accomplish anything she wants. Jeremy is pretty amazing in that respect. I also can't stand it when women try to macho it up to prove a point. Yes we can do all the things a man can do, but we are not men and I don't think I should have to masculinate myself to be treated equal. That's why the blond in the show "The Walking Dead" drives me crazy. Now if I can get some help relaying that in seven year old terms please.

Since this is one of my hot buttons, I have to take extra care in how I explain it to Natalia. My first instinct is to go a little "man hater" with it and tell her that men will try and bring her down, so be ready for a fight. I'm pretty sure that isn't sound parenting and that it's "baggage" based. You know who is better at the women's equality speech for Natalia? Jeremy of course. Evidently they have had this discussion before because with a little prompting from him, she was able to recite some wonderful "girls are just as good as boys" tidbits.

What I want her to know is that she should embrace being a girl and not ever let anyone tell her that she is less-than because of it. She and I are genetically hard wired to love dressing up, make up, glitter, drama, and being emotional and sensitive. I realize there are girls who are hard core and more "boy-ish", but that does not make them anymore superior. I don't ever want her to think that she is weaker than her male counterpart simply because she has XX for chromosomes. It's as ridiculous as the thought that my IQ is lower because I'm a natural blond.

It's good to know that while this is a touchy subject for me, which Jeremy loves to pick on, he is also working on building Natalia up as a girl. I swear I could do this parenting thing alone, but she would really be missing out on the male perspective and therefore be imbalanced. I'm obviously imbalanced, but what do you expect growing up with a single mom who made some pretty poor choices in men. They were not Jeremys, or heroes. I'm so thankful to God every day that Natalia has a strong daddy in her life to help shape her into a strong woman. As said by the wise and insightful musical group "The Spice Girls", girl power - zig a zig ah.