Part of my research and development is me cruising through Pinterest. I know, I know. It's a time suck, but I really have got a lot of good ideas there. Jeremy dreads me being on that site because his "honey do" list keeps expanding. Tonight's diabolically crafty project was my "child labor sticks of despair". Because I am a believer in all things looking cute and fun, these punishment sticks are the cutest ones ever. Well, maybe not ever, but they sure got Natalia all excited - until I told her what they are for.
You see, we have this (among many) issue with Natalia talking all tween-like. Now, I'm really not sure what a tween is, but they evidently talk snotty - even when they are trying to be polite. It's this quasi-valley girl speak where she'll throw in a "please" so I'm not sure if she's being sarcastic or legit. Oddly enough, she is being legit and doesn't realize how that comes across. It's kind of like when she was trying to learn sarcasm and told Jeremy she was going to poke him in the eye with a spoon. It's a delicate form of communication that has little nuances which require practice. She's much better at sarcasm now, thank goodness.
Even when I try and get her to rephrase a question, comment or concern in "normal speak", she has a hard time breaking this tween talk habit. That's when Jeremy and I (well, mostly me) decided to make it painful. Physically painful. Enter my "child labor sticks of despair".
They are literally popsicle sticks with crafty paper on one side, and pink paint on the other. Okay, I admit they ended up looking like fancy emery boards, but whatev's. Oops, maybe that's where she learned to talk like that.... Okay, back to my sticks of despair: Each stick has a label on it with a manual labor chore that I personally hate to do. Every time she talks snotty tween at Jeremy or I, she gets to pick a cutsie little stick out of a fancy, cutsie little bottle. I took a little time scheming because I don't want chores that will require a lot of work on my part - that would not be very Evil Queen like, now would it? Also, these are short chores because you and I both know that whining takes approximately a half hour. Therefore each chore will take about thirty-five minutes. Wanna know what they are? I thought so.
My evil chore list includes picking up dog poop (that first one will be a doozie since we've let some piles accumulate this winter), wiping down the baseboards in a room of my choosing, weeding the flower beds, sweeping either the back patio or walkway (two different sticks of despair), writing her alphabet three times in perfect lettering (yeah, below the belt there, right?!) and others. There were nine in all and I'm ready to make more if I have to. My evil plan is for her to pick her own punishment out of the container. Pure evil, I know.
Hey, if this is what I have to do to get my daughter to talk in semi-normal American dialect, then I'm gonna do it. I'll keep my Pinterest account active and running with new schemes on my fight against a bratty child. My Pinterest board for this is even called "Mommy dearest". I'm sorry, but Natalia will have plenty of friends in her life, so I don't really need to fill that role. Whenever she tells me "You're not being a good friend, you know that!?" (yes, she says exactly that) I confidently tell her that I am her mommy first and her friend second. Then I also add how charming I think she is and that is why I know she will have plenty of friends. She will, however, only ever have one mommy. One scheming, conniving, researching, tireless, crafty, ever loving mommy who has made it a priority to make her into a polite and tolerable woman.
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