Setting Boundaries

Last week I got one of the biggest compliments I could ever ask for. I didn't even have to go fishing for it. My graduate professor and I were on the phone discussion something very grave, but in the course of the conversation she brought up that she thinks I am a very good writer. I really needed to hear that. We have to write research discussion posts every week and a full research paper every other week. I looked it over and between my two classes I write about 20 pages of research "whatever" per week. That's a lot of thought throw-downs. Anyway, it was a huge compliment for me. A few years ago I got into it with some girl on facebook (I know, stupid already) and she was very talented at hitting a sore spot. She misinterpreted a comment I made and decided to throw jabs at my blog. My comment had nothing to do with my blog at all, but her barbs really hurt. Part of me is kind of in awe at her marksmanship because it STILL hurts. I tried to not let it get to me, but then I noticed I stopped writing until recently. You see, I have a problem with boundaries. So today I am going to write about something I suck at, but try really hard to get right. Boundaries are hard for everybody. I mean, if we all had good boundaries then it would be easy and we wouldn't have to feel so damn uncomfortable saying "Um, could you please get off my toes?!" 

There is a book I recommend to EVERYONE. It is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It's a total easy read and some of the chapters I skipped over because it didn't pertain to my life. Get it, read it, and keep it around. It is especially important if you have girls. It's not that I'm saying we are genetic doormats. I just know that we like people to be happy and sometimes our boundaries get blurred if we don't have them set up right from the start. Think dating (ugh!). I wan't to know how to teach this stuff to Natalia now before she tells me "Oh my gosh mom! Drew asked me out to the movies and Panda Express!". Life goes fast. Boundaries include not letting Drew steal her lo mien just because he is cute. 

Okay, saddle up because I am going to get heavy on ya. I'll keep it brief, but this all ties in to why I am a crazy mama about this boundaries stuff. I want to premise all this with I know most of us have dysfunctional families on some level. Some of it puts the "fun" in dysfunction, some of it puts the scary in the dysfunction. I hear all of you. My family background is not a secret because it's not my fault nor was it my responsibility. Besides, everyone I talk to usually has some sort of situation, so I am never in the minority.

There is actually a "thing" called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). What cracks me up the most about this disorder (we must find humor in all things) is it is the one of the only psychiatric disorders where all of the family/friends will seek treatment except the person with the disorder. Here is why: One hallmark trait to NPD is lack of insight and empathy. Like all spectrum disorders, there are varying degrees to NPD. All of us are a bit narcissistic. Seriously, look at me. I am totally narcissistic or I wouldn't bother putting on fake eyelashes or glitter. The extreme end to this disorder is NPD sociopaths which we see in the media like serial killers. I'm not kidding. It's fascinating. There is no rehabbing from this disorder because, again, there is no insight or empathy. People who are involved consistently with NPD people must choose to either cut them off completely or set up firm boundaries. I guarantee you have known a person with NPD. Want to know the criteria? Of course you do because it is kind of fascinating. Besides, true NPD's will insist there is nothing wrong with them - ever. Don't feel guilty for looking.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder characteristics: 
from http://counselinginsite.com

• Responds to criticism with rage, shame throwing, or humiliation
• His/her goals are a priority and will take advantage of others to achieve those goals
• Excessive feelings of self-importance
• Achievements and talents are exaggerated
• Person has preoccupation with fantasies of extreme success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love.
• Unreasonable expectations for favorable or special treatment
• Constant need for admiration and attention
• Lack of empathy for others and disregards the feelings of others.
• Obsessive self-interest
• Pursuit of selfish goals

A lot of these we all do on some small scale. I totally believe that MY car should be let in at the last second in traffic, but I completely pout when I let someone else in front of me. Yes, I have that "Evil Queen" thing going on right now because I think it is funny. Do I really believe I am a queen? No. I wouldn't eat so much ramen salad if I was royalty. Like I said, it's a sliding scale and we all fall on it somewhere. I'm talking about the extreme spectrum people. People who are empathetic, kind, giving and helpful will draw more NPD people to their lives. It is important to take inventory of who you are so you keep your heart safe. Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Even if you don't believe a lick of the bible, this is still sage advice.

Let me give you a real life example of boundaries that I use. Natalia will get all dramatic over not getting her way (because she is 11) and start to dramatically (ie. loudly) cry. I tell her that she is allowed to be upset and cry, but I don't have to listen to it. If she wants to talk about it, she can come up to me when she calms down. In the meantime, she needs to go somewhere else where I can't hear her. Bam! There is my boundary. Is she all, like "Of course mother, I will respect your boundary and go cry like a crazed banshee in my room." No. She's a normal child. I usually have to get a crazed-mom, horse eye look and tell her to "Get out now!" Lacowland is just like any other house with a tween and a high-maintenance mother.

Good boundaries protect our kids from the ugly stuff. I just saw a Pinterest post that read "No" is a complete sentence. Yep, sometimes it is. When you get that gut feeling that you don't want to let your kid spend the night at that house, "No" is a complete sentence. When someone is pushing in on your boundaries "No" needs to be your complete sentence. You don't owe an explanation. People

who truly respect you will respect your "no" as well. That is something to chew on. Natalia HATES this (and so did my ER patients), but when she repeatedly asks me for something I said 'no' to I respond with "Are you asking me again because you didn't understand my answer or because you are hoping for a different response?" Make people be clear with their intent. Besides, nagging is annoying.

Okay, I'm going to help us all by reminding us what good boundaries are. Especially because Natalia reads these posts and I am trying to teach her to do good. Yes, that is my graduate level grammar. First I want to say that when I am upset because someone has gotten under my skin it is because I allowed it. The actual problem is with me and my lack of boundaries. That took YEARS for me to swallow and still makes me mad. It gives me the feeling of being duped again, and again. Bottom line, the problem is me. We all need to own our own stuff. If someone is invading your bubble, don't react. Take a step back and gather your composure. Setting boundaries means offering options. Like, "If you act this way, the consequences are this. It is up to you and I respect whatever you choose." It provides power to both parties, but also makes everyone take ownership. Ya gotta be consistent with what you say, so think before you set your boundaries. Is that really what you are going to stick with? Are you really never going to float the river again because your husband and daughter won't stop spraying you with squirt guns? Can you tell this is a real life experience for me? If someone refuses to respect you then stay away from them. You can't make someone respect you, but you can refuse to be disrespected in the future. Set a limit on that. Teach your kids that drawing that line in the sand isn't Armageddon and the end of the world. It's a limit. It's respect. It's normal.