Who Asked Me Anyway?

When you work with as many women as I do, there are always at least a few who are pregnant. Since I totally love being a mom, I get excited when I hear that someone is going to be a parent for the first time. Truth be told, I am always more excited when I hear they are having a girl because I am partial to that gender. I realize that I was one Y chromosome away from a life without hair tinsel, glitter, princesses, and bedazzlement. On that note, I thought I would pass along some advice and tricks of the trade that I have learned so far to my mommies to be who read this blog.

First of all, you cannot spoil an infant. You cannot hold them too much, love them too much, spoil them or make them too happy. Normal human sleep is something that usually has to be taught, retaught, then retaught again. I am a huge fan of Ferber and I have had to re-Ferber Natalia a few times. Her narcoleptic cue is Bach's Suite 3 Air. I have been playing this song on repeat for her every night since she was four days old. I fell in love with this song when I heard it while watching the movie Seven. Kind of a creepy place to find your baby lullaby, but this has been a very effective cue for her bedtime.

Speaking of routines, children need routines. Seriously, it upsets their apple carts if they don't have a predictable routine to follow and nap times are sacred. You will revolve your entire life around the feeding and circadian rhythm of your child when they are young. Just watch the first time you travel or do something fun where you alter your little angel's schedule. It's almost comical how much it messes with their little world. Don't fret too much. They get over it.

Children are so much cuter when they don't smell and are clean. I had a mother as a patient the other day and her baby (who couldn't walk yet) had the filthiest feet I had ever seen on a baby and smelled like spoiled milk. I quickly offered to watch the smelly cherub while she went to xray and immediately scrubbed the little one before mom got back. I get that babies don't like to be cold when they bathe, so my mommy trick for this is to warm the bathroom up first before you wash her. I used to run the shower on hot to steam up the bathroom when Natalia would bathe in the counter top baby tub. As for those toenails, good luck. They are still a source of tears in Lacowland.

Babies and toddlers are disgusting. They drool, poop and spill food everywhere. They put everything in their mouths and never take the initiative to wash their hands. Because of this, they get sick a lot - which means you will get sick a lot too. When Natalia was small and congested I would strap her into her vibrating bouncy chair with a fresh set of batteries so we could all sleep. I almost bought an otoscope because I thought I was paranoid about all of her ear infections, but then we just got tubes put in her ears and they were magical. I highly recommend them. I'm old school and medicate my kid for congestion, pain, insomnia and allergies. I know the trend is to not use medication anymore, but I'm not a very progressive person anyway. So, do what makes you feel like a good mother because being a mother means you feel guilty for at least 60% of your day. I'm feeling guilty right now because Natalia is happily playing Barbies and I am "ignoring" her writing this blog.

As your child gets older there will be heavier stuff to worry about. One of the biggies is making sure you behave in front of your child. I DO NOT think it is cute to hear a kiddo drop the F-bomb - especially when it is dropped in front of my child who is a virgin to such language. If you smoke, your kid will probably be a smoker. If you get drunk in front of your kids.... well, you get the picture. Natalia already has a mild case of backseat driver road rage. I'm working on it. Also, put a helmet on her noggin because it's precious. Until I knew that she could manage on her own, Natalia wore a helmet to ice skating lessons. If you graphically explain to them their head will bleed and their brains will fall out they will wear it. I'm all about being graphic. You should have heard the gun safety talk we had with Natalia. Of course the main point is "don't touch", but I told her what happens if she does and it goes off. I told her how sad I would be if she died and we didn't get to see each other anymore. I know it is harsh, but guess what? She doesn't touch the guns in the house.

Here is a mommy secret for you- oil free eye makeup remover. It's amazing. It gets crusty boogers off of sore, sick noses; takes bandaids off so they won't hurt; and removes my eye makeup without pulling out my eyelashes. Kids love bandaids, but freak out when it comes time to remove them. If you really want to plan ahead just stock up on gauze and coban. Also, this sounds really gross, but KY jelly will make it so she can dress her own Polly Pockets in those stupid rubber outfits. Don't judge me. I got tired of dressing Polly and her friends and this KY was left over from the days of rectal temps.

Even at seven years old I still don't think I can love her enough, spend too much time with her, talk to her enough, or hold her too much. The spoiling thing does come into play and that's a fine line we tread. Being a parent is the coolest thing I have ever done, but also the hardest. Aren't all the good things the ones we have to fight for? Just don't forget your husband in the mix of all this parenting, since he is the one who got you "in the family way". Get a babysitter and ditch the kid(s) for a few hours. Your memory is way better than theirs anyway so do something fun. They always like the babysitters better anyway. After all, you guys will be "just mom and dad" before you know it. Spoil them early!