Most women will tell you that there is nothing still about being a woman, let alone being a mom. Most of us have a million things rolling around in our head - to do lists, errands to run, does my lip gloss look good, did I wear deodorant today.... Constant noise. Among this constant chatter for me are worst case scenarios that pop into my head such as: I'm at the gym and imagine the commotion and what I would do if that old guy with the paunch suddenly has a coronary, or what would I do if that lady at the restaurant who weighs 400lbs starts choking (my arms are only so long), or how am I going to react if Natalia starts choking on a piece of candy.
This last one confused Natalia a bit when she was a toddler. Since I did choke on a butterscotch candy when I was nine, I would never let Natalia eat hard candy when she was little. We would be at a restaurant and she would ask for a little peppermint and my pat response would be "No bubbie, that's a choking hazard". Natalia got a little older and we let her start eating those candies, but still never in the car. The best part was when we were up at the hostess desk and she loudly, but politely asks "Mommy, can I please have a choking hazard?". That's just what she thought they were called. It's weird to say "Yes lovey. You can have a choking hazard." It just sounds like irresponsible parenting, as opposed to just giving your kid a piece of candy.
Lately, my mind has been on overdrive and I am working on cooling it off a bit. I'm hoping someday when Natalia is older, she will read this and understand why I am a bit neurotic about her safety. It's an ugly world in the ER for children and I wish I had more faith that God would keep her safe, but I don't. I don't think there is ever a good reason to steal a child's life away. I may not always think the parenting is on the up and up, but there are other parents out there who would gladly step in and change that child's life. Most people have the luxury of ignorance. I firmly believe it is a total luxury to never have seen a dead child, or a child who had a stroke from hitting his head, or a little one who is critical after a near drowning. Yowzer. This is heavy stuff, huh. The positive spin I try and put on this is I need to appreciate every second because we are all on borrowed time.
Now as much as I would love to wrap Natalia in bubble wrap, I realize that's not going to cut it for her happiness or sanity. You should have seen me the last two times we went boating with our friends and Natalia was being pulled behind the boat in the tube. I tried to smile and look calm, but Jeremy and my friends saw right through it. I was a nervous wreck that even a vanilla mojito couldn't take the edge off. You see, she just learned how to swim a couple of weeks ago and while I know the life jacket would keep her afloat, she doesn't yet have that instinct to close her pie hole when the water hits her in the face. Thankfully our friends are an amazing balance of giving her an exciting ride and keeping it tame for my sake. I told Josiah that him being gentle is more for my sake than hers. She is irreplaceable and deeply treasured. Then I politely threatened his life in my sweet southern way.
I rationally know that I am crazy trying to control the universe for the sake of my baby girl, but that won't stop me from trying. It's a tough dance to make sure her life is adventurous and exciting, while keeping her safe and protected. I don't believe that God will keep her safe because He is also a cruel God and takes children all the time. Even the bible shows Him as hard core, so why would He change now just because we wear jeans to church and try to make Him "cool". So, my head case work mainly involves me realizing that I'll deal with that when it comes around. I try and remember the verse "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). I'm working on it, but I'm still pretty antsy. In the mean time, Natalia is obsessed with boating, swimming, horse back riding and hard candies. I'll let her have her fun, but in the back of my mind is a constant hum of "protect her airway" and "please don't make me use my Life Flight membership because she's a leveled trauma".
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