What the Heck is a Tween, Anyway?

Up until a few months ago, I didn't know, nor did I care what a "tween" was. To tell you the truth, I still have no idea what this creature is lurking in my house. This is Wikipedia's definition: "A tween is a person who is between the ages of 10 to 12 years old.^[1] The term is often described in popular media as referring to a preadolescent (usually female) who is at the "in-between" stage in their development when they are considered "too old for toys, too young for boys".  Okay, some of this is true, but some of it is downright misleading. It is more like "they love to play with toys and talk about boys non-stop". I should go back and edit that Wikipedia page.

So let me tell you about my journey with a tween, where it started, and some truth to it all because, quite frankly, I have been lied to. We all have. 

I have this amazing, beautiful, articulate, quirky, and very funny daughter. Gradually a year ago Jeremy and I started noticing subtle changes in the tides. A mood swing here, a bit extra tired there, a tad bit over dramatic. No problem. I mean, we knew puberty was inevitable because a few physical signs had started up at age 8. Of course we panicked and took her to her pediatrician as a husband and wife team wanting to know what the hell was going on with our sweet baby and why was her body changing already?! She was just now finishing chapter books and ten finger typing, dammit! We were assured it was normal. A bit on the earlier side, but normal. Okay. We breathed a sigh of relief, grabbed a couple of dum-dum lollipops on our way out (you know they choose those because they think parents are morons sometimes) and felt pretty good again. 

Now here we are, living in a house with a 10 year old tween. If ever there was a time to NOT have an early achiever, this would be a time to opt out of that first prize. It is a circle from Dante's Inferno. I am going to preface this with my mommy disclaimer: I love my child in a fierce momma bear way. She is my precious life and I will love her little soul until the day I die. Okay, now let's get real.

First, no one told me that all the Freud garbage I learned in Psychology 101 and Nursing Theory actually had some merit. Let me explain: Natalia will constantly pick a fight with me, not Jeremy and feels that she is in competition with me at all times. I confess that sometimes I regress to her level and play the "I want to have the last word" game, but she really does pick at me specifically. Thank goodness I have a fantastic spouse who will back me up and tell her to cut it out.... eventually. Like any guy, he glazes over at the first site of female drama. He's heroic, but he ain't dumb. Now do I think it is because Natalia is "interested" in Jeremy. No. Freud is a nut when it goes that far, but there is some same sex aggression going on here. 

Second, the mood swings will make you a captive in your own home. You will rejoice at going to Wal-mart because it is unlikely the cashier will shout "Oh my gosh!" and just stomp off mid checkout leaving you to wonder what you just said. No one at the gas station will correct your facial gestures while tearing up because you looked cross while pumping gas. I even listen to classical music right now because there is no talking going on during the music. There is so much chatter at my house that I don't even want to hear a human voice while listening to music. I live in a land of tween emotional land mines.

Third, in the early phase of having your tween you will be convinced your child has a serious mental illness and is going to be the next Charles Manson. Yes, we took her to the pediatrician AGAIN and pretty much preached on all this bipolar sounding craziness, the narcolepsy vs. insomnia, the angst over school crafts and shoes that make her "toes look big". Are you feeling me? Her pediatrician agreed that Natalia is a bit high strung and since mental illness parades through both Jeremy and my families like Shriners on mini bicycles, we are going to put her in some counseling. Actually let's be honest. I just can't referee these emotions anymore. We are tapping out and calling in a professional. I can't be the lifeboat if I'm also the sinking ship.

No one told me that I only had 10 years before I had to tell her how to shave her legs (the tutorial was today, thank you very much), what it is like to start your period, questions about actual sex instead of the anatomy lesson I got away with when she was 6. No one told me that you can be the most supportive and loving parents in the world and your daughter will still tell you things like "I want a different chin" and "I think my belly sticks out too far". I had been led to believe that if I cheered her on enough, she would just love herself as much as I love her and wake up in these tween years completely enlightened instead of feeling lost and awkward. Nike will lead you on that if she plays sports she won't join a gang or pierce her nipples in 8th grade. Okay, now I'm being a bit dramatic, but they really are selling us some lies and preying on our mommy guilt.

My friend Carrie has a daughter about the same age and is going through a lot of the same issues. I had an epiphany one day and shared it with her, so I thought I would share it with y'all too. As much as I no longer know who my daughter is, neither does Natalia. She spent the first 9 years figuring out her favorite color, food, animal, music and was getting settled into her parent sheltered independence when one day she started slipping away from the "she" that she knew. The world just opened up to her and became such a bigger place, full of uncertainty and possibility all at the same time. Jeremy and I were struggling to stuff her personality back into the "child Natalia" where he and I felt safe. Now all three of us realize that it is going to take a lot of time to get to know the new Natalia. It is like starting over again. Remember how scared you were when you first brought home your brand new baby girl? Just imagine if she could actually speak English. Now you are getting it - emotional, demanding, and has no idea what she wants or needs, but now can articulate.

Sometimes to get through the emotionally hard parts I have to remind Natalia that I have never been a mom before and that I am literally winging it. I reminded her today that I am having to read books to understand what a "tween" is and that sometimes I don't even understand what she is trying to say to me. She asked me "Well, what is a tween?" and I was like, "I still have no idea!" Sometimes I'm brutally honest with her and let her know that although I love her dearly, I really don't like her sometimes because she just talks so ugly to me. I remind her that she would have no friends if she spoke to them that way. She is good about apologies. 

So, this is my unsolicited advice: Tweens kind of suck. They have no idea what they are doing and are like bipolar borderline personality disorder people off their medications, so cut them a little slack, but set up good boundaries. They need them so desperately because they are so scared about this whole new world that just opened up to them. It's also okay to not like your child sometimes. This is why I put myself in time out. I have more control over my actions than I do hers, so I just leave the situation, go to my room and cool off until we can both grow up and talk like normal humans again. My last advice is this: Next time you and your daughter are together in a good moment, look up the YouTube videos for Katie Kaboom from Animaniacs. It will sum up your daughter in a quick 2 minute animated short and you will both get a good laugh.

Brats for God: God, just do things my way, okay?

I was, what I believe, divinely led to start on a new book "Restless: Because you were made for more" by Jennie Allen. Granted I'm only a couple chapters into the book, but she does talk about Batman, and she had me sold at superhero references. I'm nerdy like that and would walk around in spandex and a cape myself if I didn't think someone would question my sanity and possibly parenting competency. 

I decided last summer that I really do love God. I've never seen Him, but like the wind I have felt Him near, and pushed away so I understand what it means to feel Him far away too. Like orbiting planets in an elliptical fashion I get close, I boomerang out, then find my way back. While I love God very

much, I also get pretty mad at Him. I'm not just talking about questioning things - I'm talking about using the f-bomb in prayers and pretty much letting Him know that I could do a better job in my own life. I know I wanted Him to take control, but really I would like to show Him how it's done first, then give God my life to mold into what I want it to be. I've got big plans for me, you know. I have a certain way I want to look (forever), a lifestyle I would like to maintain, friends I would like to keep dear and never disappoint, a daughter who I would like raised a certain way, thank you very much, and a husband that I would like to be a Christian on my terms, in my way. God, could you please fill this order? That would be great.

Now if Natalia, who is 10, spelled all this out for me I would smile and laugh. That would be until she used the f-bomb and I would have to laugh inside but be all "mean mommy" and explain (awkwardly) what that word REALLY means. Like any child, Natalia often tells me how to do my job. I get so frustrated because really, how dare she with so little life experience tell me how things need to go down around here. I allow her to control small things in her world because if she really had control of the house, things wouldn't run at all. I am all for respectful freedom of speech around here, so I want her to voice her opinion of the injustices regarding being responsible, having to follow rules and not leaving poop stained underwear in the living room (seriously when is she going to take time to wipe. She says she's too busy). 

Do you see where I am going with this? She is as much of a child to me as I

am to God. I am not going to even envision Natalia as a teenager because I know that is what I sound like to the Creator of the Universe. If I am to oversimplify my spiritual dilemmas it would sound like this "God, I will love you and show out for You, but only if you do things my way. If you don't do things the way I think they should be done, I'm totally going to ignore You. That's cool, right?"

If your child said that to you, I'm sure you would be all "Yeah, honey. That sounds really great. Let's do life just like that." Hell no! You would first laugh at the audacity of your child to even entertain that thought, look at her like she has a third eye because she is totally serious, and then just ground her for life, since you know she will never hold down a job because she is a total brat. That gives me an idea for a t-shirt: Brats for God.

So what do I do with my immaturity? First, figuring out I am a spiritual brat is pretty moving in itself. I hate when I annoy myself, but now what? Well, what would Natalia do? She would go to her room, think it over, and then come talk to me. The communication is the cornerstone to fighting off the brattiness. I need to spend more time talking with God about what I'm supposed to be doing, not what I think I should be doing. If Natalia had it her way, she would be constantly watching YouTube tutorials on how to make "squishies" instead of getting ready for school. That is also why she missed the bus today and Jeremy had to wait in that awful parent drop off convoy. 

So how about we all do a bit more listening instead of talking. Like nagging children, God has heard our requests over, and over, and over. Yes, He knows we want to lose 10lbs. Yes, He knows we want our kiddos to grow up and not end up with facial tatoos and an orange jump suit. Yes, He knows we want our husbands to sort the damn laundry instead of throwing it on the laundry room floor like he is color blind, or something. Yes, He has heard our quiet desperation when we just say "I don't even know what I want anymore. I'm depleted."

Listening means I need to be quiet. Be still and know that I am God - Psalms 46:10. It does NOT read: Get going and do some stuff because I'm God and don't want you to look lazy. It's hard to listen when you look like a kid with ADHD bouncing all around your own life. Sit still. Listen. Take 5 minutes in your car to check in with God without giving Him a "to-do" list. I can't stress enough to just listen. If you hear nothing, hear nothing. Take that as a moment of divine peace away from the chaos of your day. That in itself is a gift. Ask God to talk to you through the people you love. That is my favorite. My friends, and strangers for that matter, have spoken straight to my heart when I have needed God the most. I know it the moment I hear it because my ears were open. Even Jeremy, with all his spiritual doubts, has told me recently he knows God was intervening through him on my behalf. Whether you believe or not doesn't change God any. He's not Santa where you stop getting as many presents once you acknowledge he can't possibly exist. Do you remember those couple of years when you figured out Santa wasn't real, but you didn't want to tell your parents because you thought Christmas would be over. Ah, the stresses of 8 year old life.

Okay, so my homework is to shut up and just be thankful, listen, and sit still for a bit every day. I think I can handle that. Just like getting to know a new friend, it isn't really "work", it's just time well spent. Time spent changing from a Brat for God into a Daughter for God. I think both of us will be relieved. 

Fabulous by Association

My New Years resolution has been to not ask questions that I really don't want the answer to, and it has been working really well for me. Yes, you can categorize it as somewhat denial-esqu, but seriously, it is pretty awesome. Let me explain: You know when you can just tell that you have made your spouse mad? I no longer ask "Are you mad?" because I don't want to know the answer at that moment. I just wait for him to come to me about his frustrations, which gives him a chance to gain some perspective - ie cool off. How about "Where you just talking about me?". Nope. Don't really want to know because that is one of those questions that unless you really know your friend, you probably aren't going to get a truthful answer anyway.

This brings me to today's topic: Surround yourself with people you aspire to be more like.

When I started at St Al's in 2007 in the ER I was amazed and intimidated by the nurses there. They were so smart, medically articulate, and knew their stuff. I mean, my first week one of the nurses was giving a blood transfusion to a trauma patient in the hallway. Holy cow. It was so different from the Susie White Bread hospital I came from. That, and I had only been a nurse for two years. Over the years, because I stayed with those saints, I absorbed a lot of knowledge and learned how to speak like a real nurse. Over the course of that time I also learned to cut out the fat and I don't mean liposuction. All those toxic "friends" and family got nudged out. You know, the people who take and take emotionally and never fill your cup up. Yep, trimmed out. 

At my work now I have people around me who work out like fiends, love it, and can find a positive twist to almost anything. They also bring extra lunch for us all to try and give gifts just because. It is such a giving group. They inspire me to be more thoughtful, especially since "Receiving Gifts" is not my love language. 

Today when Jeremy was consoling me out of a bad day ("Words of Affirmation" is my love language) I asked him if I was as supportive and uplifting to him as he is to me?  He answered "I learned it from you." Awe. How perfect. Not only is he a cutie patootie of a husband, but he is also the kind of person I

would like to be someday. We have been friends since we were 14 and I have learned a lot about not being such a brat, how to tell if I'm heading North, West, etc - not the child, the direction, and the importance of taking time out to just be with each other. If I had it my way, I would retreat into solitude much too often. He also reminds me to cut myself some slack sometimes. I get a bit too wrapped up in perfectionistic ideals.

My mini-me is also an inspiration to who I want to be someday. I've told her before that someday I hope to be more like her. Then she tells me I'm the best mom ever and she wants to be just like me and never move out. I have mixed emotions about that one since it is a great pipe dream when she is 10, but a bit weird when she is 32... and tries to bring in cats.... and an abundance of "As seen on TV" items. I mean, who doesn't love a shake weight now and again, but it is much more fun when it comes from someone else's house and wallet.

Natalia reminds me to have faith just like a Disney movie where things really always work out, family is the place where you go to rally, and clothing really doesn't have to match. It doesn't have to be perfect all the time. Sometimes I wear two different socks because that is my mental reminder to just let loose. That's right people - I am THAT wild and crazy some days. Okay, lets all sing a little "Let it Go"....... We all feel much better, even if the over 30 crowd only knows 1/4 of the words to that song.  

There have been times when I feel a little guilty getting a pep talk from my 10 year old, but that is what family is all about. We build each other up and sometimes let the other person know they need to go to time out. She will play with my hair, tell me I'm awesome and show me a little sunshine on a cloudy day. Ooooh! Sing that one too. It's a good one. Everything in my life turns into a song eventually - just ask my co-workers.

Well, here I am, home on a work day because my knees wouldn't stand for another moment of hauling gurneys (pun intended) and I was told that I need to make some big life decisions for the sake of my health. What?! I am not super human?! That's crap -  I mean poop, because Natalia reminds me that "crap" is a bad word. I was hoping that a knee replacement would be a fix to all my problems until I saw my own x-ray today which shows a lot of bone loss and was kindly told that my legs are two different sizes. Dammit, I hate asymmetry. Oh, I mean "darn it all".

So Natalia came and patted me on the head to tell me that she is sorry I can't do the job I wanted. She also told me that dinner was terrible and she is totally right. Fried rice should be left to the Chinese restaurants, not Lacowland. My friends have been praying for me and facebooking words of encouragement and my sister made me laugh and told me that she is still

coming out to visit, surgery or not. The bright side to all this is it is a chance to show Natalia that it is alright to have faith and make sure you surround yourself with a positive team of people who make you strive to be a better "you". This is hard since all I want to do is mope, and cry and feel sorry for myself. I've been robbed, I tell ya. But since I have surrounded myself with people who do better, I'm going to vent then build a little bridge and get over it. I'm also not going to ask God if it is going to get worse before it gets better since I really don't want to know the answer to that. See that! Sticking with my New Years resolution like a good girl. Bam!

Grace Under Fire: What to do with Cyber Bullies

I am going to graze over most of the details regarding what happened on my facebook account, because really, it was quite silly. Seriously, it is facebook. I think it is sad that now days it is more socially acceptable for people to post

pictures of their genitals on social media than it is to state their opinion about any current events. Instead of my usually selfie shots with Natalia or random animals at a petting zoo, I posted my opinion (gasp!) regarding how skewed the newspaper stories are from real events. Someone from the depths of my "friends" base took this opportunity to state my political stance for me (all false) and call me all sorts of names, defame my character, speak on behalf of all my friends stating that I had offended and shamed them (she doesn't even know my friends), and call me all sorts of unlady-like names. 

I tried at first to let her know that I agreed with some of her opinions regarding some of the issues, but let her know that she didn't know what she was talking about (she admitted she hadn't read the news article). Then when things got ugly I had a choice: fight back with words, or put an end to things. Of course anyone's first instinct when someone is defaming your character is to defend yourself, but I realized that this person really didn't know me at all. Who was I defending myself to? People who know my character know that I'm really not a very complicated person and a terrible poker player. Seriously, I'm the girl who confiscates the rolls of bubble wrap from the deliveries, line it up on the floors in empty patient rooms for us to roll on when we need to blow off steam at work. I'm a a simple kind of gal. So I chose to shut it down. I did call her out for the bully she was being and who I knew her to be in the 6 years I worked with her, but told her that the discussion was over. Then I had another choice- to block, or not to block? That was the question.

I chose not to block and here is my reason. First of all, I do not have the self confidence of Narcissus and the things that she wrote of course hurt my feelings. That was her point and she is good at what she does. When I sat back though I was able to recognize a few things. First, I saw that she probably was someone who was really hurting and angry. The things she was saying really had nothing to do with me personally, she was just trying to make it about me as a sounding board to vent. Second, If I let her keep posting, she would show this very public forum her own character without me having to write a word. It's like that old saying "If you give someone enough rope, they will hang themselves." She did. 

This is a really good learning experience not only for me, but also for Natalia. As awesome as we know our daughters to be, at some point there is going to be a mean girl in her midst wanting to give her a smack down. I don't think she is old enough for me to tell her about this one yet because it is a little mature for her world right now. I am just going to tuck this in my back pocket for the time being. I pray all the time that God moves my sorry ass out of the way and makes all sorts of opportunities for people to see Him instead of me. Now if I had ranted on, defended, rallied friends against, poked fun of her, blah, blah, blah..... That would have been all me. Nah. This is better. It was easier for me to step out of the way and let God handle the details. There is a little peace knowing that the people who know and love me know what I am about. Hey, I even ended it with a Dr. Seuss quote: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." I was afraid at first of looking weak by being silent, but it turns out that I don't feel weak at all. 

I would love for Natalia to use her voice to build people up, not cut people down because voices are so powerful. The ones on this thread that stood at my defense never lowered themselves to her spite. I love that. It is a good lesson for Natalia to always surround yourself with the people who you would like to emulate. The people who build you up, are interested in your victories and realize that we all have shortcomings. Always feed the positivity in your life, never the ugly beasts of jealousy and hate. It is just as important for you to have people in your life who will hold you accountable when "the fear" creeps in and you use your voice in a not so good way. I hope this person has good friends like that, to lovingly tell her that this is not the way to talk to people. That is what I would expect from my friends and don't you know they have had to do that in the past. Sometimes I've been a little too vain, a bit too dramatic, a tad too self absorbed. The ones who really love you will kindly give you a reality check. 

Okay, last quote:

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place." - Kurt Vonnegut

A Golden Compass: Faith for a Daughter to Make the Right Decisions

Have y'all seen this movie, "The Golden Compass"? We just watched it again as a family the other night. It actually has some pretty well known actors in it, like the James Bond guy, the voice of Gandalf as a polar bear, and Nicole Kidman. Yes, it is a bit hard to concentrate because I spent some time in quandary over her lips and trying to guess her mood based on a mostly expressionless face, but the movie is good. One spoiler: It leaves off with a sequel teaser but, there is never a sequel. It is based on a book so all you hipsters can go out and read it. I'm sure you already have while drinking out of a mason jar wearing a crocheted hat. 

Ok, point.... So each person has a "demon" which is her soul who is in an animal who hangs out with her. It's cute. I'd want mine to be something I'm not allergic to, because I have thought this out. There is this little girl who has a "demon" who won't settle in to just one animal and she is given this golden compass. Now, this sassy little girl has a really conservative "demon", and acts as her voice of reason. She tries to listen to him (yes him), but the sassy usually wins out. She is the only one who knows how to read the golden compass that was given to her. It is coveted since it can tell you the truth to any question one would like to ask. Of course, there is more to the story, like people trying to kill an 11 year old, but for my purposes we will stick with this. Ok, hold this in the back of your mind for a bit.

Natalia is a social girl, but she is totally Jeremy when it comes to social circles. It is an itty, bitty little circle at best. Seriously, she is all about quality, not quantity. While this sounds very Pinterest quotes page, it's not. Not when you are in fourth grade. I even introduced her to a couple of new girls and a tough game of two square at lunch recess to help her branch out. Yes, it was a bit of a helicopter mom moment, but I have my reasons. 

So here is the thing and I have to put this very gently because I adore the parents of Natalia's friends. They are really good people. Natalia has two main friends, and like all children, they have a couple of quirks here and there. It's not that these are earth shattering, but when your daughter will only really hang out with these couple of girls, these quirks become more of a "standard of friendships". Oh please mommies, tell me you understand what I am saying?!

This has lead to some great conversations over some tears. She has had to take some breaks from these friends (her idea). What amazed me was that she came to me with some behaviors or conversations that made her uncomfortable. This is that compass I was telling you about. See, I believe as moms and dads we slowly set up our own golden compass and when the time is right, we pass that on to our children to read on their own. As in, without our coaching or butting into two square games at lunchtime. I have handed off this compass and am just watching to see what she does with it. Okay, how about some examples:

Natalia is what I would consider a mild hoarder. She calls it "collecting", but I

love to throw things away, so I call it hoarding. Her teacher used to ask her to clean out her desk during down time, but it would make such a mess from trying to clean it out that Mrs. M would just find something else for Natalia to do instead. One day I came to school armed with dollar store supplies and we got is straightened out, threw away the rocks and acorns (I'm not kidding) and I thought we were good. Evidently she is not in remission. She had this project she promised to finish and didn't because she lost it in the dark abyss of her desk. Mrs. M was mad, sent Jer and I an email and as consequences, Natalia had to go in early to school and apologize personally to her teacher for breaking her promise and explain how she was going to fix the situation. This was to fine tune the moral compass. It was one of those moments of full ownership and being humble without humiliation. Her teacher is the sweetest person in the world and very unassuming. Now if it had been her first grade teacher, I wouldn't have done this. Her first grade teacher was a bona fide Ms. Viola Swamp.

Next moment to shine was practically an after school special. Natalia was riding home on the bus and her friend (one of the two) was being so mean to another girl on the bus. Natalia was really upset because the little girl was in a grade or so lower than them and had done nothing to provoke the verbal beat down she was getting. Knowing she may lose her friend, Natalia spoke up for the little girl, called her friend out and told her she was being a bully. Ok, so I'm not living on the planet "My Child is Awesome-sauce" thinking that this all went down verbatim of how Natalia told it. She sounded awfully brave and rehearsed a few days later when she told me, but I do know that she spoke up for this girl. She wouldn't make that up. A lot of times I'll call her out on her grandeur recall. This one I let alone. I am so guilty of having futuristic confrontations that play out in dramatic ways in my head all the time when I feel like I have to take care of something or call someone out. I am so not cool or that articulate. It sounds good in front of my mirror while my hair is setting in rollers.

Natalia and I were hanging out in the food court at the mall, eating some Panda (as in Express, not the animal in case you think Boise is uber exotic) and we got on the subject of unruly teenage girls because we heard a girl yelling at her mom in the phone and then call her mom back crying "Why did you hang up on me?!" So once we stopped laughing at this dramatic display I told her that daddy and I trust her because she has never given us reason not to trust her. We believe in her and her ability to either make decisions or come to us for help if she feels overwhelmed or confused. It is hard to discern sometimes if she is listening to me or ignoring me while she is stealing the orange chicken off my plate, but then she looks up at me and says "I love you. You're the best mom ever. Can we go try on makeup at Sephora?" I'm pretty sure that was code for she was totally listening. 

So there is my analogy of the golden compass. That inner voice to guide her along the way. That one that will say "I know he doesn't really want to watch a movie in his bedroom" when she is dating, or the one that says "meth ruins teeth and lives". Sometimes I'm happy that she is a seat belt Nazi, stands up against bullying and is a serious recycler. One day I am going to grow up to be just like her.

Mommy is Breaking Down

I have a confession to make: I haven't blogged in a while because I have been trying to disappear. Ever have those seasons in your life? Things keep going, not necessarily wrong, but definitely not as planned. This year has been God breaking my mold into something different. I think of it like one of my favorite shows "Overhaulin'".  Sometimes the cars looked somewhat fine, but to really make it what it was meant to be, it has to be taken apart, ref-fabricated, and put back together. For those of you who don't know my real purpose of this blog, it is for Natalia so that I can chronicle our life, her life and so that she will know me as a person; not just as a mom. So, boogerface, this was 2013:

On New Years Day I had surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy, tie my tubes and evacuate a belly full of blood. In true clueless Shauna fashion, I thought I had really bad gas from Domino's pizza a couple days before. What was emotionally draining from all this was the finality. A part of me knew that having another child wasn't the best plan for us, but another part of me really wanted another one. I mean, let's face it. I see people popping out kids right and left with no clue what they intended to do with them. I was excited and scared when I saw that positive pregnancy test. What changed me though was finding out that I have horrible endometriosis and the fact that we have one child is a miracle. 

In the mix of all this was a lot of pain and healing. Oh, I had some time to do a lot of thinking. Granted some of it was crazy hormone thinking, but I was still thinking. I realized that I was no longer listening to my inner voice - like the one who says: "Hey, this abdominal pain is pretty severe, maybe we should check this out." I was also going to physical therapy for daily headaches that had been going on for two years. This is when I realized my dream job had become my nightmare. I dreaded going into work, I hated the people I was taking care of and it was no longer fun. Good days were few and far between and when I did talk about work, I was either jaded or in tears. The reason that it took me so long to let go of the ER was because that job is how I defined myself. I was an ER nurse and that was the only thing that really made me proud. I even have a custom license plate that says 1FERN that stands for #1 Freaking ER Nurse. Well, that is the PG version of that ER nurse inside joke. I felt that lots of women were mothers and wives, but not everyone could do what I did. The reality was that I couldn't even do what I did any longer. It was wearing on my soul. So I quit and took a job at an endoscopy clinic doing some of the most non-glamorous nursing work ever. A lot of days my job is kind of mindless. The kicker to all of this is that I am a lot happier now and I have decided that being a nurse is a job, not who I am. It's just something that I do.

Shortly after I started working at the endoscopy clinic it was impressed upon my soul to get baptized... again. Doesn't that sound just so Southern Baptist? "It was impressed upon my soul". It's the truth though. I guess I could say it was like a goat head in my shoe that I couldn't shake. My Boise peeps will understand that a bit better. I won't go into all the details because I already blogged about my baptism, but you can click here if you are interested. I did realize that the god I had believed in didn't exist and I really hadn't lived a life of faith, just of fear. I'll get back to this subject in a few.

This year marked the 15th wedding anniversary for Jeremy and I and this was a super rough time for he and I. He was laid up with a work injury that needed surgery and we could only get along for a couple months at a time. We just were not in sync and could not figure out why. We had a couple heart to heart talks that included talks of separation if he needed it. Neither one of us wanted out, he just was angry and confused. It totally doesn't help that I am a "take it personally" kind of girl. As in, if he is having a poopie day, I think he is mad at me. He has to remind me that he is allowed to have bad days too without it being all about me (but isn't everything in this world all about me? Just kidding). It took Jeremy six months to sort out that it was because he didn't believe in God. Now this was quite a whopper to me since I had just dedicated my life and family to God and faith. This was God letting me know that the relationship between He and I was just that, between He and I and didn't include Jeremy. I was still pissed at God about this. My expectation was since I got baptized, my family would magically follow suit. I'm pretty sure God has a good sense of humor and unending patience. 

Fast forward to summer, I was leaping in the front yard (don't tell me you don't do this from time to time) and injured my knee. Multiple injections and a surgery later, I have been told that I have significant cartilage loss to my knee and am pretty much buying time for a knee replacement. I'm only 37, so I'm a really crappy candidate for a surgery like that simply because they just don't last. This has put some serious limits on everything. I am constantly reminded of this damn knee because it hurts ALL THE TIME. I am now a chronic pain person and that is an embarrassing thing for an ER nurse, former or otherwise. I now know that I am truly mortal. I know what you are saying, "Um, yeah Shauna. You are human." Just you wait until you realize that your body is betraying you with age. It'll piss you off too.

Ok, so this is not a venting pity party; I have a point. I have been living the life of a recluse Shauna because this stuff has got me down in spite of being medicated. Yeah, I'm one of those people too. I am not Pollyanna who will smile at the rain and say that it feels amazing. No. Give me a freaking umbrella, preferably something with a little bit of flair to it. I do, however, realize that this is what I asked for from His Almighty-ness. This was my prayer: "God, make me into the kind of person where people don't even see me anymore, they just see You." Yeah, be careful what you pray for. See all this stuff above? This is God getting me out of the way because I have a lot of garbage that I have encased myself in. I really don't know who I am, but that is okay because I am figuring it out and am meeting really amazing people along the way. I do know that I have a sensitive heart. So does Natalia. The other day she was afraid to talk to her teacher because she might cry. I reminded her that I broke down into tears at work and that it's okay. She did better than I. 

So I haven't blogged because I haven't wanted to be honest. I want to put myself out there to the world as some funny mom who tells anecdotes about her child and sees life in a positive light all the time. I'm just not that girl right now. I'm a "hide under the covers with the mattress heater on and look at the Pinterest humor page" kind of mom right now. That's fine too. God can work with that. I mean, if he can make a guy out of dirt, he can do something with me and my busted knee. I'm mostly put together already, so I'm way ahead. 

I realize I'm not doing Natalia any favors when I try and put off this "everything is always amazing" vibe all the time. What is she going to do when her life isn't amazing? I want her to know that it's okay to be pouty for a season and that family loves and supports you when that happens. Lord knows Jeremy has loved and supported me, just like I loved and supported him when he was going through his hard time this year. I want her to know that daddy and I are human. To a child, that is a hard lesson to learn. I break down, I work through life, I cope, I find a way to cut myself some slack..... sometimes. Sometimes I just go to my room and hide under the covers. Most of the time I go around scrounging up hugs from everyone, including the dog because it feels good. 

Alright, so this is me. I'm broken and when I write that phrase I instantly start crying because it is so hard to admit. The good news, is just like in the show "Overhaulin'", I am going to be one hard core fabulous machine when God gets done with me, it just may take a while. And like the visions of Chip Foose, sometimes I don't always get it, but it comes together in the end and is always worth the work.

Teeth, and Other Ripple Effects

I want to assure you that I had the best of intentions today as I wrote down some notes for this blog. This was all pre-postop appointment for a knee arthroscope I had done a week ago. Now I am nursing a headache along with my sore knee for trying to cheer on my pleasantness with red wine because southern girls do not "drown their sorrows" in alcohol. That would be very poor taste. 

You see, I was pumped up thinking I would be back to work on Wednesday (today is Monday) with the same song and dance as my last knee surgery ".... shredded cartilage.... smoothed out.... no running .... eventual knee replacement." I mean, really, I was just leaping (gracefully) in the front yard on a perfect summer Friday night getting ready to watch Toddlers and Tiaras with Natalia in bed. Nope. Not how it played out. I have sheared off the cartilage in my knee exposing bone, torn my meniscus (now trimmed, thank you Dr. Moore), and there is a good likelihood that I may need a cartilage transplant. I have to admit that the thought of a cadaver donor is sort of cool to me. I just love that kind of stuff. Honey, when I die, cut up the parts people need, burn the rest because I'm done with this busted body. Obviously ain't nobody gonna get cartilage out of me, but my eyes sure are pretty - kind of grey/blue like storm clouds. 

Let's talk about Natalia for a bit. She has been fussing with this loose tooth for about a month. Last night she was not able to go to sleep because it was at the 180 point. You know that gross point when your kid can spin that tooth, but it is still holding on by Lord only knows what small piece of skin. Gack. That will make my skin crawl - not cadaver donation, but loose teeth. Anyway, she gets out of bed (I'm sure it had nothing to do with the box of Mike and Ike's she had at Princesses on Ice that night) and tells me something has to be done. Just for kicks, I talk her into pulling it out. 

Okay, so she is totally squeemish and I didn't really think she would do it. She did it. I'm not sure who was more surprised, her or me. So of course I calmly grab some tissues because she is bleeding now and we just marvel and take instagrams of this tooth. Wanna know the real reason she wanted to pull that thing out? She spent all her money that night at Princesses on Ice. Isn't that sad, but creepily frugal? Oh, man. It gets worse.

She preps me ahead of time that she wants the tooth well within tooth fairy vision so she will essentially get paid for her lost dentition. I'm like "Okay babe. Go to sleep, but you and I both know you don't believe in the tooth fairy because you saw me playing with your teeth with Aunt Pancake. Are you just saying this because you want to make sure you still get money for your teeth?" At least she was honest and nodded. Okay, this is where my downfall began. Its name is Ambien. 

Two nights ago I slept fine, sans Ambien. The night after that I tossed, turned, had a nightmare (like I frequently do - it's a Shauna thing) and at 4am gave in and took one. This night I knew I had to get back on a regular sleeping schedule and get her off to school in the morning. I did what Jeremy has told me countless times not to do - popped an Ambien, warmed up some leftover pad Thai and turned on Housewives of New Jersey Tell All Reunion. 

I wake up the next morning on time and Natalia (who I usually have to come back to wake up after I start the coffee) pops up like a cinnamon pop tart and directly reaches over to the bedside table and declares "My tooth is still here! The tooth fairy NEVER CAME!" Now since you, I and Natalia all know that I am the tooth fairy let's all just clear the air right now. Mommy dropped the ball. Remembering that I am postop knee surgery, I hobble out the door to my purse and find the smallest paper money I can. Nothing smaller than a $10 bill. Ohhhhhhh no. Then I remember that I have a $5 bill in my closet. Okay, before you think we are big baller yuppie parents here just remember this is guilt money. GUILT MONEY. No the tooth fairy does not usually throw down cash like that. Okay, so a $5 bill is on the table, Natalia is still face down crying in the pillow (thank goodness so she didn't see) and I just palmed her tooth. I'm all hugging and soothing when daddy also comes to the rescue to hug and soothe and says "Oh, look Natalia! What's under the pillow?" She looks and there is a freaking $10 bill! I'm assuming this is the one he got from my purse since I cleaned out his wallet of paper money so she could go to the stupid Princesses on Ice - and yes, the first question I asked when she got home is if any of them fell, so there. Then, Natalia promptly looks for her tooth to see if it's gone and sees the $5 and snags that up too. She is grinning ear to ear and Jeremy and I are left staring at her realizing that communication really is key to any marriage for all sorts of reasons.

You would think $15 would have made Natalia on top of the world for losing a bone fragment. No. She was hurt. Hurt as in deep in her heart, make that little dimple under her eye pucker hurt. It took me a moment to stop, breathe and realize why. You see, she had been very fixated on that tooth for almost a month and she is a bit of a collector of oddities. Evidently I am too, since I keep her teeth. That tooth was special and important to her and a big part of her growing up in her mind. Top that off with the bravery it took to pull that out and you have a moment that she wanted recognized by the people she loves the most. I failed to share that special moment with her. I totally missed out. I let her down, disappointed her and made her very angry. 

Even though we were pressed for time, I did the walk of shame to her bedroom to apologize. I told her about my realization and how she has every right to be disappointed and angry with me. I told her to go ahead with those feelings and be mad at me for a while and that while she is being mad, I will love her just the same. I asked her if she needed some time alone in her room and she said she did. Then I had to do another mommy walk of shame and just walk away and let her be mad at me. I love my Grandpa's words of wisdom: "you can't un-ring a bell". I use that phrase all the time, even when I mess up.

This brings me to fear. Ah that small word that can mean so much, especially this time of year. Halloween is just around the corner and I love me some scary movies. We even have our own ghosts (check out this link for the story on that) who visit our house frequently and that doesn't bother me so much. What does bother me is the fear of disappointing my family with not being able to provide because I

can't work right now, disappointing Jeremy because my silliness has caused a series of consequences that effect him, and a fear that we will be back into financial troubles like we were 10 years ago. 

Natalia was afraid that if she showed me that she was disappointed and angry with me that I wouldn't love her anymore. As a child her understanding of love is really limited to what she can understand. She knows that she loves me all the time, but her emotions take control and sometimes she feels empty and turbulent inside. She knows now that sometimes her friends up and decide they don't like her one day and love her again the next day. Sometimes her friends' love is based on whether or not she plays the game right or shares like they think she should. Natalia knows that when she has spouted off to her friends they have turned right around with their toys and gone home. That is a hard lesson to learn. To guard her social life, she softens her responses around them, shares more, becomes more diplomatic and saves her ground standing for a time when she feels like she or someone else is being wronged. Sometimes she will field it off me first. Can you tell I'm totally proud of this stuff? What's even better is she isn't so filtered around Jeremy and I. Yes, it is super annoying right now, especially when she is slightly puberty-licious and her hormones make me want to strangle her ovaries, but I know she sees us as a safe place. He and I are the place to go to where she can be angry and unfiltered and we won't take any love away from her or turn our backs. Now rights to the TV or computer are another thing if she won't get that whining under control, but mostly we just stay and wait for her storm to pass. She is still testing this theory often to make sure that we love her unconditionally as new conditions arise, but I am able to reassure her that she is a keeper, no matter what. 

Alright, so to wrap this up a bit I am going to use a quote from my now favorite book The Shack written by WM Paul Young "Mack, if anything matters

then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again." p. 285

That's right moms. It's a little overwhelming when we think of it that every tooth matters. Every hug. Every violin practice at home when we listen to our little boogerfaces do one more run of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. This is what life is made of, though. My sweet friend Shannon and I were talking one day and agree that it is these little moments they will remember. Besides, evidently it is a lot cheaper at my house to be mindful than to pay out guilt money in the morning. 

Christian Wife; Atheist Husband

I've had some great mommy/daughter ideas to write about for some upbeat blog-age, but they have been shadowed by some other "life" things going on. That is just the way it goes sometimes. One sucker punch to the gut was the loss of my dear friend's son who took his own life. He was in high school, not a trouble emo kind of kid. Like, the last kid you would expect to do this if you didn't really know him and his family. That is what is so frightening. His mom and I had some talks about how helpless she had felt because even though she was doing all the right things, he was still lost. Lost in his head, trapped by his own demons, powerless against his own despair. 

As parents we fight tooth and nail to protect our children against all sorts of tragedies like falling off of bicycles, bullies, using an obscene amount of hand sanitizer to ward of avian flu, kidnapping talks, crosswalk talks, make sure their shoes fit right and absolutely make sure they have pooped at least every other day. What do you do when the bully is inside their own head? Every once in a while Natalia will be over tired and extra hard on herself for something dumb she did and she'll say "I hate myself!" Well, the word "hate" is like any other four letter word in our house and that talk has no place in her world. I tell her that those words hold a lot of power and that it may seem like a flippant remark now, but that inner voice is listening. I think we all need to be a bit more mindful of our inner voice and the things we say to ourselves throughout the day. 

The other super whammy this week has to do with my marriage. Sounds very

juicy, doesn't it?! I don't mind telling people that Jeremy and I have been struggling for around six months or more now. Now, my version of struggling does not mean that we are at the point of apathy. It means that we have not been at our normal connected-ness. It all kind of came to a head this week when Jeremy confessed that he decided he does not believe in God. As a lot of you know, I was recently baptized and God is a huge deal in my life. As you can imagine, it was really difficult for Jeremy to tell me this. He was afraid this would be a deal breaker for our marriage and that I would be disappointed in him.

I cried. I cried so much that I had to leave work. We have little "chores" at work that we do throughout the day between patient care to keep things going and I couldn't even get through cutting Coban without sobbing. It was so embarrassing. I lasted an hour and a half before I went home, got back into bed and cried and slept, cried and slept. I still have a migraine that I have been trying to beat back.

So I talked to my "life coach" Amy who has talked me through multiple tears before. I remembered that Jeremy's relationship with God is between them, as is my relationship with God is between He and I. I am more sad that my dream of having a solid Christian family is at an end. Jeremy will never be the spiritual leader of my family and it is up to me to guide Natalia. It's just hard because I have to do it alone. It feels really lonely and totally scary. I seem to have these "dreams" for my life and I get really heartbroken when they don't go my way. I literally have to grieve over them when they don't work out. Case in point: My relationship (or lack thereof) with my mom, only having one child even after we moved here, leaving the ER and now the "I don't believe in God" husband. He said he doesn't want to be called an atheist. He said it is too soon to joke, so we won't call him the Anti-Christ either, but I thought that would be funny. Just not yet, okay. I'll let you guys know when.

In the spirit of being honest, this is what I have concluded. I was waiting on Jeremy still. I like the Pursuit, but I never really felt like I wanted to get involved. I'm going to find another church where Natalia has some friends at Sunday school so she will not give me a hard time. Since Jeremy probably isn't going to go very often anyway, I should go wherever I want. It's kind of freeing. 

Jeremy is actually more up front with me now about the God thing and he is supportive of my beliefs. Nothing drives me crazy like atheists who treat Christians like petulant children. Jeremy is also supportive of me bringing Natalia up in my faith and me being all "Yay Jesus!", like I normally am. We still pray before dinner and I am still going to craft up some scripture quotes for the walls. Well, actually one is a quote from a Pink song, but it does say "God is a DJ" which sounds pretty biblical to me.

The last positive but scary thing for me about all this is what if when Natalia

is older she decides she does not believe in God AT ALL. It stabs fear in my heart. I know that sounds all Shauna dramatic, but it is true. I can't imagine living without my faith in God and I totally cannot understand where Jeremy is coming from. I mean, I am kind of looking at him like he just sprouted a third eye because to me it is real as all get out. I have been at a person's side when their soul has left their body and I can feel the whole room change when it leaves. It is ridiculous to say that there is nothing going on past this life. I've seen ghosts on multiple occasions in hotels, in my house and so has Natalia and my mom. I realize I'm nutty, but I'm not schizophrenic and these things are as real as my morning coffee. Unfortunately, I can't give that intuition to Jeremy. That inner sense of "knowing" to him. Okay, the positive part: At least Natalia will have a parent to empathize with her if she decides that there is no God. It seems like a lonely way to go, but at least she will have daddy there with her to hold her hand and let her know he has been there too. I don't think he wants that for her. I've seen him struggle through this. When it all comes down to it, this is a choice that has to be made on their own.

So here I am, all poopie pants about the whole thing. A little annoyed with God because there is all that crap about "faith the size of a mustard seed" and frankly I do not like it when things don't go my way. Maybe I am a little petulant child that the atheist think we are. The blessing and curse is that I have child-like faith in an adult world. It gets disappointing, but I always hope, and why not? Giving up doesn't get me any closer than hoping would anyway. I don't mind being transparent in saying I am jealous of all you women who married Christian men, with cookie cutter Christian families. How could a child at 17 know twenty years later that it would never evolve? 

That being said, I wouldn't give Jeremy up for the world. I'll walk in my faith, just God and I (like it should be anyway) and have my best friend at my side who totally doesn't get it, but loves me enough to cheer me on. That is what love is all about anyway. He doesn't think I'm silly for my faith, and I'm not angry or judgmental for his lack thereof. We'll do a little marriage counseling, a lot of hugging and more late night talks while I sit on his lap crying. We'll have more family meetings with Natalia who knows this whole story already because it's easier on all of us if there isn't tension in the house. Most importantly, we'll make it through all this, grow old together and be glad we loved each other enough to cheer one another on even though we totally didn't get it.  

Pinterest Moms Do Not Really Exist 'Round Here

I am old enough now to have idly watched a few motherhood trends in my lifetime. When I was around 14, the trend was working mothers and latch-key kids. Remember that term? It was almost a profanity at the time. Like "Oh, Sarah is a latch-key kid", followed by a slightly judgmental look toward the parents or parent. This evolved into parents who both worked as a norm and the dreaded "daycare children". The phrases that spewed out of this conversation typically were, "It's not daycare, it's an 'Early Learning' facility"; followed by the opposing team of mothers who say "I stay at home so I can raise my own children." Now we have a new fad of Pinterest moms.

I'm going to tell you where I have fallen on the spectrum of all this competitive mothering: Everywhere. I was a "latch-key kid" who also watched my 2 year old sister while my mom worked starting at age 10. I have had Natalia in daycare since she was 4 months old at one of these "Early Learning

Not really much of a babysitter,
but cute - until he eats poop

Centers" because Jeremy and I both work full time, sometimes Natalia will stay home by herself for a couple hours (with the dog like Katie Nanna in Peter Pan) and I am a huge Pinterest fan. So there. Look at me all askew you stay at home moms who raise your own children that don't have to lock themselves inside the house with the dog. Here's another tip for you: I notoriously get NOTHING done on my days off too. Nothing except cruising Pinterest, that is.

So I was reading an article in Marie Claire while sitting on the toilet the other day (it's the only time I get to read the magazines and I'm a fast reader), when the topic was this new flavor of mom - The Pinterest Mom. Here is my synapses along with the magazine's of her typical day:

She wakes up before her children to get in a workout, blog a bit (they are all bloggers) to bring in an extra 3 G's, drink a cup of green tea since coffee is so passe, then shower, put on natural looking makeup by contouring and highlighting, all topped off with a sock bun. At 8:30 the children are awakened to a paleo breakfast (which they LOVE), dress in homemade outfits of ruffles and chevron, then she will home school them at two grade levels above the standard while incorporating Jesus and morals. When the kids start to fight over who is the kindest sibling, she promptly stuffs both of them in an over-sized t-shirt to "hug it out" as they stare at a bottle of glitter until they are calm again. 

Nope! Didn't feed the dog, have no idea who is picking up
the child and the calendar is totally blank. Another
Pinterest craft that wasted 3 hours of my day.

The afternoon of Pinterest mom is full of learning interactive field trips to local areas, a quick game of kick ball organized by her and the other Pinterest moms, then it is on to the children's extracurricular activities: Cello, soccer, and Spanish lesson - which the kids again LOVE and never say "I can't go because I have diarrhea and need a nap". It's hard to argue with a tired kid who has diarrhea on the way to tutoring, but I'm sure Pinterest Mom's children have exceptional bowel habits too.

Pinterest mom rounds out the evening with a crock pot meal that she had the

forethought to make during homeschooling, quality time with her husband where they write little dry erase notes to each other on a crafted picture frame followed by an impromptu game of Nerf-gun, sexy hide-and-seek around the house because the children are bathed, dried, coiffed and in bed all at the same time in under 20 minutes right after dinner and chores. Oh yeah, I forgot about the kiddos legibly filling out their age-appropriate chore chart. 

Whew. She is one amazing lady and according to the blog-sphere, there are a lot of these super Pinterest moms out there. You know what I say? Bullsh!t.  I mean, I could get on this blog and tell you all about how I cook a crock pot meal, have Natalia do chores AND get some sexy time in with my husband. Yeah, that happens, but it is not all on the same day. We still have a front office room that is half gray, half yellow-beige because we just haven't got around to painting it over the past year. 

Forget stripes! This is the new trend.

I didn't even take off yesterday's
makeup.

My house is usually a partial mess and the garage is an explosion of shoes, paper towels and saw dust from last month's project. The walls of the garage are also decorated with dead smooshed spiders that no one wants to touch. I don't know, maybe this is like a Godfather way of sending a message to the other spiders. Like "Don't mess with us, or we will kill your family." I didn't use the crock pot last night because it is still "soaking" from my crock pot meal a day and a half ago. On the other hand, Natalia and I did finally catch up on the Bachelorette all the way to the "After the Rose" episode. Natalia will do some chores today and the Roomba will vacuum my floors for me while I scour through that crock pot mess. That is, unless we

Our "something better to do"
on Friday. We also managed
to blow our budget at the same
time. Score!

find something more fun to do that probably involves ZERO learning.

A lot of the times I forget to pay Natalia's allowance, I forget to work out and I never get to bed on time. I only wash my hair a few times a week since it takes 20 minutes to dry and style and is super boring. I could tell you it is because I am trying to make my hair healthy by not over styling it, but that would be a lie. I'm lazy to the core. I'm also tired all the time and uninspired to do very much at home. Except Pinterest to look at homes and mom-blogs of women who, evidently, have it together. 

So here I am, a working mom with a messy house, undone laundry, a dog who eats poop and jumps out of the Jeep and into Natalia's summer tutoring class

at Huntington to the delight of the kids, and a husband who is grumpy because our schedules are totally opposite right now. I have terrible arthritic knees and severe endometriosis which makes me feel like I need a marathon sleep of 14 hours. Yeah I blog, but I dare you to count all the run on sentences here along with poor punctuation.  You can't count it, but I don't want to hear about it.

Okay, so this is a bit of a rant, but I doubt these Pinterest moms really exist. I'm thinking a compilation would amount to this whole package, but this is an unrealistic goal for all of us. I think the intent was good, but this has evolved to a "pasted on lip gloss smile" competitive-mommy showdown of perfection and guilt wrapped up in witty and humorous comments. Things like "my weakness in life is baking too many goodies that always turn out picture worthy" (smile, winky-face). Let's just stop this already! We don't have to be perfect. Isn't that what we tell our kids? This hodge-podge of kindness and insanity is what makes them "perfect" in our eyes. Most of the time my goal as a mother is just to prepare Natalia to move out, not annoy people, keep a job and pray. That's it! That's all I got. 

I love how pretty Pinterest is and how you can go from "six pack abs girl" to recipe for puppy chow in seconds. I love the ideas because I am an idea girl. I am just not a follow through girl. That being said, feel free to check out my boards on Pinterest. They are this "pie in the sky" version of what I would like to be someday when I grow up. Just don't expect any of that perfection here. I'm too busy eating pie crust, not working out and writing on this blog that makes no money while Natalia watches TV next to me.

The Black Claw

My close friends know that Jeremy and I have a little conspiracy theorist on our hands. I find it my job as a mom to pass these on to you, because hey, you never know. You just never know. I mean, maybe there is a Green Granny Smith Spider that is taking small children down on the playground (you can read more about it in the link provided). Maybe there is a species of triangle people out planting triangles around town and implanting into our children all "Village of the Damned"- like. That being said, I must warn you about the latest threat to our children and community: The Black Claw!

Many of you either have children that attend the daycare at Wings or take your kids to Planet Kid on days when they need to blow off steam when the outdoors just isn't going to work. Let's be realistic. Days when the temp is 110 will cause them to drink more water than you could possible pack AND cause a possible stroke all around; and anytime it is below 40 means complaining all around. The point of getting them out is to get some time when for 15 minutes they don't talk to you. That's right, keeping it real.

So on those days when "inclimate" weather persists, there are options like Planet Kid where the kids can climb rope ladders, crawl through tubes,and pelt each other with plastic balls in the ball pit until someone gets hit in the eye and cries. This maze of wonder includes a tube that is around 2 stories up in the air where not only is there fun, but there is danger. This is where The Black Claw manifests itself. I will retell the story as best I can.

Long ago there was a child who met an untimely demise while climbing through the tubes. Not only did he perish, but his hand was severed from his body AND NEVER FOUND! This, evidently, is common knowledge among the older children of Planet Kid. One day quite recently, Natalia was playing (and talking) in the tubes when all of a sudden and without warning a child was grabbed by the ankle and pulled backwards into another section of the tubing. Thank the heavens this child was able to escape back to safety, but this is when Natalia was warned about the dangers of the tubes. You see, the hand was never found and in its purgatory it will sometimes grab your babies and drag them to.... well, she didn't really tell me where The Black Claw was going to take them, but it does sound very unpleasant. 

I tell you this as a sage warning so you can be an informed parent. No, we did not snatch her out of Wings and contact the Better Business Bureau, but I do kiss her more soundly before each Wings day. May God find this lone Black Claw and bury it into sacred ground where it can rest in peace forever. Consider yourself warned.