The Cure for Road Rage

So I am re-vamping what my blog is about. Well, not dramatically, but I just can't be confined to Natalia. Motherhood is so much more than just chronicling her growing up. I mean - I'm the mother, after all and this is my blog. More than that. I want to know more about what you guys think about all this. I want feedback, advice, your stories. I'm spreading my wings here about what it means for ME to be down in the motherhood. It's more of a gear shift than a re-vamp I guess. Let's shift into fifth, shall we? Vroom.

First of all, I want to apologize to all of those who don't live in Boise. You see, today is 65 degrees and very spring like. It even smells good. Last week I went snowboarding at the local ski resort that is one hour up the mountain while Natalia was in school. Here I am in my "zero gravity lounger" in my front yard blogging away while my princess diligently pounds the books. Oh, the dog is whining because he is dumb and wants to eat rocks. Strike that. It was a piece of ABC gum he found in our yard that I pulled out of his mouth, I should have let him have it. 

Earlier today Jeremy and I took Ripley to the dog park and on some errands. Boise is a super dog friendly place, and that is another reason I love it here so much. As we were trolling around town with Ripley's head out the back passenger side window (that is his favorite side) I could see people look over and smile. He really is a cute meat chunk. It got me thinking how quickly my own road rage is alleviate when I see a large breed dog (sorry, not a small breed kind of girl) with its head out the window. Ears flapping in the wind, nose pointed in the air, eyes slightly squinted in pure joy. I just love dogs. I decided to make a list of 10 small things that make me happy (in no particular order):

1. Big dog heads poking out of car windows
2. Convertible top down, down shift, punch it, no cops
3. The smell of Natalia when she is sleeping
4. Notes from Jeremy - better if it comes with a food item like "Hey, I bought you a fritter."
5. Glitter
6. Quiet time to myself when no one is home
7. When Natalia says "Mom?!" "Yeah?" "I love you."
8. When Jeremy can't resist grabbing my butt when he walks by. Even when I am trying to put on eyeliner. It's annoying, but if he doesn't do it I'm like, "What's wrong?"
9. Girl talk at night before Natalia goes to sleep
10. Sharing the shower.
11. Naps.

Okay, so that was 11, but naps are a big deal to me and I just couldn't leave them out.

Proof there are some plants
even I can't kill

So spring is here and I am ready for lawn games and children outside playing, running in and out of the house. I am ready to take Ripley everywhere now that it isn't too cold outside to keep him in the car and date nights downtown to people watch on the patios. Even though life get's pretty frustrating with series of unfortunate events and such, I try and remember the little things that make me happy and do those to get me through until the yucky things iron out. 

Okay, so what are your little happy things? Dancing in the kitchen to Duran Duran? Nachos? Alphabetizing your scrap paper? Do tell.

Beauty Rules and Goth Girls

For Natalia's homework this week she had to ask her parents what a few of our family "proverbs" are. Well, of course there is the "strawberry ice cream" one that I talked about a few blogs back, but then I added "beauty is pain". We use this one a lot in the mornings getting ready. Now, it isn't because I go all "Toddlers and Tiaras" on her, but we are growing out those bangs and to look and stay cute, I french braid them out of her face off to the side. That tiny twisting in the early hours of the morning is not always well received. It cracks me up that Natalia recited this proverb to her BFF Kayla when Natalia was staying the night at Kayla's house and Kayla was getting her hair done. Poor Kayla. Her hair tangles so easily and she has a ton of hair. Some beauty is more painful than others, because Kayla has beautiful hair.

Speaking of Natalia's BFF and beauty: One night while on the couch at our house, us three girls were sitting down watching "Say Yes to the Dress" and flipping through mine and Jeremy's old year books (we went to High School together). They were amazed he had hair and were fascinated by the "goth" kids. Natalia stated "I'm going to be goth." This made Kayla very upset. She explained that she is in no way allowed to hang out with goth kids who look like that because they are a bad influence. Natalia looked very puzzled and simply said "Well I would still be me, I would just wear black." Kayla insisted her parents would not understand. My next question was trying to figure out what they thought "goth" was. It really comes down to the hair and lipstick. Natalia said she would hold back on those and they went back to watching the bridal show and peace remained.

Natalia is finally at that point where I appreciate her sense of fashion, but I am starting to give her the tactful pointers that I know before the issues come up in the mall five years from now. I'm not going to play out any sort of teenage tantrum in front of Sephora or Forever 21. I figure I will start coaching her now before her friends do. I mean, the TV does enough coaching. Yikes. So these are some of the pointers I have rounded up:

Never wear a skirt where your butt touches the seat when you sit down. Also, if you have to constantly tug at the hem of your skirt when you get up, walk, or just stand there. It's too short. That 16 year old boy may think it's hot, but so does that 50 year old man in front of Pretzel Time. Ewwww.

You have to pick an asset to show off when you are older. You get either legs or shoulders (she's 8 and has no boobs yet, but you ladies know where I am going). If you are showing both, you are advertising. If your dress shows off your "shoulders", your hem should come to  right above your knees. 

This "pick one" rule goes for your face too. You either get eyes, or lips so you don't look like a painted lady. If you are easy on the eye makeup, pick a fun bright lip color. Smokey eye, keep the lip neutral and light. If there is too much you go back to looking like you are advertising. Oh, by the way, I got that term from my mom. Thanks mom. It's perfect.

One ring please. Oh dear Lord, don't put a bunch of rings on every finger unless you are about to fight someone. I'll leave it at that.

Nylons are so 1980's. Use spray makeup on your legs and wear underwear. Please. Wear some sort of underwear. God forbid you are in an accident and end up in the trauma bay at my work. I'm not saying we judge people for that, I'm just saying it is always surprising and there is this nano-second awkward pause when we are cutting clothes off and this is the missing element. 

Mainly, just be yourself. I don't mind if you are "goth" as long as you are happy, well adjusted, keep a job and don't shoot heroin. I'll help you color strands of your hair and pick out black eye liner and agree that I probably don't understand at all because honestly I can't remember what it was like to be 8, so I'm not going to remember what it was like to be 16. Just know that your mind and body are sacred and a treasure to daddy and I. We made you, adore you, and will fiercely protect you if we see you trying to damage something we love so dearly. I happen to love black eyeliner and black clothes, so you can rest assured that will not scare me away or cause me to take you to American Eagle to swap everything for plaid and stripes. That being said, I stand by the above mentioned beauty rules fiercely and will go Joan Rivers Fashion Police on you if you attempt to break them. 

Let me Clara-fy

Every mother knows that the only perspective that really matters is that of her beautiful child. We all know that the gossip coming out of our perfect cherub's mouth is accurate and true in every right. It is with this delusional knowledge that I have to tell you about the evil Princess Clara and her band of cronies who make my precious breath of perfection cry.

Evidently the new conspiracy theory club who solve such mysteries involving triangle people, telekinesis, mind readers and secret fairy activity amongst the mortal class was in fact started by Clara, but really there was a sister club started at Natalia's school, by Natalia at Silver Sage last year. Please try and stay with me. The world and your life may depend on this some day. Now that Natalia is at Christine Donnell, a new club was started with new members and the fight for good and truth is ongoing. Thank goodness Natalia believes in Jeremy and I enough to let us know about all this. Usually she thinks we are too dumb to keep up.

The problem is with Clara. She seems to have some mean girl tendencies which have reared their ugly head more than once. Now, I can totally sympathize with Natalia, because just like her, I want EVERYONE to like me and all get along. I don't care if you are a mean girl or not. I just want you to change your ways, like me and have some sort of "Full House" awakening moment to see the err of your ways. Yeah, that never happens, but I am a dreamer sort just like Natalia. My job is to try and teach her better, even if I can't always do better. What brought Natalia to tears yesterday was Clara telling Natalia that she and her BFF Kayla should not be friends. Now, why Natalia would get upset about this is beyond me because this is such a dumb suggestion. That's right. I said the "d" word, and I'll say it again. Dumb. Evidently it ruined Natalia's day and I blame it on boobies - as in Natalia is starting to get little booby nubs that I am so proud of because that is what moms get proud of. Loosing teeth, pooping, wiping their own butt, not eating their boogers and little boobies. We love that, but we hate that because she is very bipolar right now and probably for the next ten years. Yikes. At least she isn't boy crazy yet. 

Okay, so what do we do about the Evil Clara. First of all - Clara is probably just as normal as Natalia and may even have booby nubs too. Who knows. Her mom may be blogging about the Evil Bossy Natalia who made the sweet Clara cry, but I doubt it. I'm just trying to be judicial, but I ain't no Saint. First of all, I listened. That's right! Go back a few blogs and check that stuff out! See, learning from my own fabulousness! Next, I waited to figure out what a normal person should say, not a mean mama bear. This was my answer in two minutes (that is all I have for her attention span) from my months of therapy:

"Baby, are you ever going to change how Clara thinks?" 

"No." (proud mama fanning her face all beauty queen style for my smart girl)

"So here is my advice: You need to figure out how to not let Clara bother you because you will never change her. You just need to accept her the way she is. She doesn't get to pick your friends and she will never stop being who she is. You can't tell her that she is wrong. You can stop being around her, but you will probably lose a lot of friends around you that way. It's like me and my mom. My mom never changed, I had to change and she gets to stay who she is. Now we can talk and be happy because I just accept her the way she is and I don't expect her to be perfect. The best thing you can do is be a good example and stick up for those weaker than you."

"Well how do I do that?"

"That is for you to figure out inside your heart."

"That's hard. I love you mom. I'm hungry. Can I have some popcorn?"

See? Pretty nice. You know when you get to the food you have moved on from the problem and are back on track. She even turned the corner enough to make dinner for Jeremy and I for the first time EVER last night. It was awesome and no one called dinner "slop" that night. 

New Year Resolutions: Hot Mama Style

You know when you are kind of stuck in the middle of something and you just can't see beyond your personal bubble? That is where I am right now. I'll glaze over the details for Natalia's sake, since this is her blog of her childhood. 

Ooops, Mom's pregnant; well, maybe; well, yes; well, technically so, but the pregnancy never made it into the oven and there is blood in her belly; you have to go hang with Grandma while Mom has surgery, and Mom can't hug you for a while.

I'm still in the "a while" part of all this, waiting for the "ta-da! It's over!" part. Mentally I'm done with it all, I'm just waiting for my body to catch up.

So this has given me a lot of time on the couch with my laptop, and for the first time, some fierce writers block. I'm not usually the kind of girl who is at a loss for words, so this will be a brief one. I've decided to talk about what I want this year to look like for me as a mom, and since I didn't get the personal assistant I wanted for Christmas, I am doing on my own.

1. I am going to schedule mommy/daughter dates once a month. These are going to be special days where she and I make plans that no sleepover or impromptu comp. time shall render. We shall dress up in fabulosity and talk about superficial dumb stuff. 

2. I am going to meet her for lunch once every three months at school. It is huge for her. I don't know why because she kind of ignores me the whole time to talk to her friends, but according to her it is a big deal.

3. We are going to post a weekly scripture for at least two months and then in all honesty the novelty will probably burn out, I'll get busy and it will fall by the wayside. But hey, two months is a good goal to start with. I even downloaded and app, that is how serious I am. Booo ya.

4. Once a week I am going to get up, damn the makeup and blog at a coffee shop. This one is really hard for me because I am terribly vain and look like I'm about to die when I am sans make up. Some of you are saying "Oh, it's not that big of a deal." Which my reply is either A: You don't live in a town as small as Boise where you ALWAYS run into someone you know or B: You look good without makeup. Whether A or B, you don't count. Sorry, but sit your naturally pretty, incognito butt down and tell me how proud you are of me for going out looking like I may harbor the plague. And if you ask me if I am ill, I will give you a look that will steal 10 years off your soul. Just avoid me, please.

Yep. That's all I have for right now, but it's a start. A fresh start to a new year. 

My Heart Goes Out.

Some things are better left to Jeremy, and I'm okay with that. That is my stance on how to handle the murders of all the children and adults in Connecticut. It's not like we let Natalia watch the evening news, but we both knew that she was going to hear about it and it's best coming from us. Jeremy stopped by the ER tonight with Natalia to drop off a fleece for me, but while we made contact in the (momentarily) empty ambulance bay he did mention how he handled telling her. He started by explaining in very broad and simple terms what happened and wanted her to know that she is safe. In his moment of trying to explain that, his love for her made him get a little emotional. It's hard to look at such a lovely and alive child and think that someone could just steal that away in seconds. It's such a sinking tragedy.

While Jeremy was trying to reconcile out loud to Natalia that we don't know why God allows things like this to happen, Natalia started to soothe daddy. She let him know that God is with these people and children and that it's going to be okay. God has this; breathe deep.

It shakes me sometimes how deep her soul can be. Here is this little thing who two weeks ago I was carrying through Disneyland, and now she is spiritually soothing her dad. It sounded like he needed it. It's scary to think the most precious thing could be taken by forces completely out of our control. There is no bicycle helmet that could have prevented these deaths, no swim lessons, not even more diligent parenting. It's earth shattering to realize how little control we have.

So hopefully this will sit still enough in my heart to remember that I really don't care that Natalia's report card is mostly full of twos and that she cries during homework. Those parents right now would give anything, I'm sure to hear their baby cry about homework. I'm not going to get so frustrated for a while that Natalia left her jammies in a trail across the living room floor. I'd hate to have to put those jammies away forever. I know I haven't had an uninterrupted night of sleep on the days she is home for eight years, but God may I never know the day that my baby is gone and would no longer come running into my room for drinks, leg aches, nightmares, or just because she missed me.

While it is hard to not let fear hover in my life as a mom, I'll try not to let this weigh so heavily that I fiercely hold on to Natalia. After all, she still needs to be her little free spirited self, and still has to figure out her way in this world. When her life gets a bit shaky and overwhelming, God may Jeremy and I always be the lighthouse that brings her back home to take a breather. I still stand on my belief that there are more good and wonderful people than the horrible. I refuse to believe otherwise. 

Adequate Ventilation

So, let us just start this off with a little randomness and highlights. First, it was Halloween last night and anyone who is anyone knows that Draculora is THE woman to emulate this year (not really). The brilliance of Natalia's costume for this Monster High diva was most of the costume came straight from Natalia's closet. I have to admit that it makes me proud that Natalia already dresses like these new edgy Barbie-esqu dolls. The only things we had to buy were a wig, fish net tights to go over her already owned hot pink ones, and some fangs that didn't work out anyway. Of course this Pinterest Diva had a backup plan and painted the fangs on her bottom lip. It looked better anyway. I mean, seriously. Super cute and age appropriate. And if you really want to get all "mom approved nerdy" about it, she read the chapter book first. 

Another highlight before I delve into my Jack Handy deep thought is how much I love blow drying Natalia's hair. Not just because I love playing with hair, but because I never know what I'm going to get. Tonight she busted into the robot, as in the 80's dance move. Might I add she is pretty darn good at it, too with the swinging broken arm thing and all. I don't mind that I am having to chase her head around the bathroom with the hair dryer or that the singing goes from sweet mommy/daughter to competitive rather quickly (yeah, there is a lack of maturity here). It's pretty funny. Every once in a while it will be note worthy enough to make Jeremy stop what he is doing and peek into the bathroom to see what is going on. Sometimes he will even catch a bit on film. She nor I are embarrassed about it. The acoustics are amazing and it is important to take a little time each week to work on your moves. That is why her "robot" has come so far. (See me doing the "beauty pageant winner face fan" in my proud mama kind of way.) Those of you who know me are cracking up because you see me do this..... often. I've worked on it in front of the mirror too.

Okay, back to my focal point. Since I have a (very) small audience, most of you know I am an ER nurse. There are a few reasons why, none of which include me wanting to sit at a patient's bedside and hold his hand while healing takes place. You have to go to another floor for that kind of nurse. ER nurses are "fixers". You give us a problem, and just like Vanilla Ice - "Yo, I'll solve it." I consider myself a good listener, but I am a "fixer" through and through. 

Jeremy was venting to me about wanting to lose weight and tone up. I listened, was empathetic, then started mapping out a plan. He was sweet enough to listen, then politely told me that he knows how I love to help by planning things out, but he really just wanted to vent. Oh. What a novel idea. The love of my life, the bestie among besties wanted to dish only to have me - well, at the time I don't know what I was supposed to do. Smile and nod? Compliment him on what he looks like now? Go all "valley girl" with a "I know, right?". I'll come back to that.

Here's another one: One of my favorite friends totally needed me, so I stepped in, stepped up, and helped a sista out. First of all, like any good Southern girl, we started with a good meal of comfort food. When in angst, start with a good meal and a hug. See, a "fixer". Okay, then we moved on to her laying it all on me. She had a lot she needed to get off her chest that she had just had festering for a long time. We sat for hours with a box of tissues, two snugly blankets and then I made some nachos, because ya gotta replenish that comfort food when the angst has built up for more than a few weeks. I don't make the rules up, I just follow them. Anyway, after the evening was pretty much done I wrote down a list of all the things I thought she needed to do to "fix" her situation. I told her how I would hold her hand through each "fix", and then I told her how much I love her. I do. She's pretty much ah-mazing. 

Me making an action plan for her certainly made me feel better. I'm not sure if it really made her feel any better, though. I know me being there for her, telling her that she is my girl and showing her how much I care mattered a heck of a lot more than my "fix list". I know that I did a good job listening, but after the listening part, I should have asked "What do you need me to do". If she didn't know then I think that should be my carte blanche. Well, not really. Well, kind of, but not really.

How did I come upon this super-sane realization? Was it Jeremy's frank discussion with me in the shower (yes, our best discussions happen there and I highly recommend it). No props for him. It was an 8 minute discussion with Natalia after school where she had to lie to me to shut me up. Talk about wounding a mother's heart. Ouch.

I don't even remember the whole story, but it was something about her and her BFF getting into a disagreement that day over something girly and lame. You know the kind. "I told Kayla that I like her, but I wanted to play with Aspen for a while that recess. Kayla got mad, then wouldn't talk to me on the bus." or something very "Saved by the Bell" sounding. I started in on a long winded lecture about calling Kayla to work it out, blah, blah, blah. That is when my sweet cherub became possessed by the demon Fibacus - unholy creature of obvious fibs which are poorly presented so even a non-mom could tell that this child just lied. Natalia's lie detector is pretty easy right now anyway. If you ask her straight out "Is that for real, or are you making that up a little bit?", if she is lying she will either become outrageously defensive or will erupt into a fit of giggles. It's too easy.  This time it was giggles.

She sighed like she does when I have completely exasperated her and explained that she lied because she had just wanted to vent. Natalia told me that sometimes she just wants to tell me what happened, but doesn't want me to tell her what to do about it. This was very thought provoking for me. Not only had my daughter politely just told me to shut up, but I realized if I want her to keep dishing to me, I better learn to listen and only "fix" if she asks me to. Besides, am I not supposed to be teaching her how to "fix" her own problems? Obviously I have enough to work on myself. It's a good thing I have my eight year old to teach me these Cosby moments. Where would I be without her? I'll tell you where I would be. I'd be in the shower complaining to Jeremy that no one ever takes the advice I gave that they never asked for. Here, let me fix that for you.....

So I think I will get my "fixing" fix from the ER and just work on being a good listener for my family and besties. I'm sure I will get lucky one day and SOMEONE will want my advice, and they may even take it. Oh, be still my heart. I stand firm on the fact that an acute attack of stress requires a reasonable amount of comfort food, a hug, a blanket and a good friend; but that is just common sense, not necessarily me splitting the atom here. Forgive me if I test out my listen-while-I-button-my-lip skills on y'all because this is all practice for the good fight, which is being the go-to girl for Natalia. The conversations are going to get a lot tougher than recess and even I know she is going to stop coaching me at some point.  

Controlled Chaos

Well, I can't guarantee this blog will be very "motherhood-ish", but it's more of a "day in the life". My blog, my rules.

Two years back, Natalia and Jeremy had surgery within one week of each other and I vowed at that time, never again. As in, never again are two Lacows allowed to have surgery within a short time period. In true Lacow form, we broke that rule. 

You see, Jeremy and I are living out our geriatric dream of having busted up joints in young 30 something bodies. I have a jacked knee, which I had some arthroscopic surgery done on my birthday (of all days), followed two weeks later by Jeremy having hardware removed from his foot. Yep, we are a sexy crew. Let me painfully elaborate.

My knee was keeping me from doing two things dear to my heart - Jillian Micheal's Ripped in 30 and wearing high heels. Not to mention walking on the sand once a year was painful. Something obviously had to be done, right?! So it was off to the orthopedist after me whining about this bum knee for five years. It just so happened the available date for The Knee God Surgeon was on my birthday. Oh, did I mention Jeremy had planned a surprise birthday party for me that day? Well, it was a surprise until he freaked out about the planning and had me start planning it myself. Any who, I had heard that getting a knee "cleaned out" was no big deal and that after 3 days people were back to work, normal, happy, cured, whatever. Yeah, I think you know where I am going with this. 

The day of my surgery (ie my birthday) was also Natalia's first day of school. At a new school. With a new bus route. With new friends. This is bigger than surgery in my book, so I drove myself to the hospital and had Jeremy stay with Natalia to see her to the bus and rally her for the first day. My plan was to steal one of my night shift friends away from the ER at 6am to do some pre-surgical hand holding. Of course this is the morning that a couple of people decide to shoot each other and someone else was intubated in another room. Needless to say, no friendly nurses to spare, so I made the walk of shame to pre-op on my own. Jeremy showed up sometime while I was in surgery and was there when I awakened..... with a non-rebreather mask on and covered in hives from the antibiotic they gave me. Oops. Nothing a little Decadron and oxygen couldn't handle.

Since I was convinced this surgery was cake and Jeremy is not used to party planning, I helped clean the house a couple hours after I got home from surgery. Hey! It was just a knee thing. We had our little party gathering (costumes and all), but by 10:30 I let everyone know that I was down for the count. Holy cow I was sore. Not to mention I stayed sore and not for just 3 damn days. Ohhh, no, no, no. When I went in for my post-op appointment I found out why. Evidently my cartilage in my knee was a bit more complicated than just a "touch up". I spent two weeks on my tush - pouting. No, I should not have been cleaning the house or vacuuming the same day as my surgery.

On a good note, at least Natalia is back in school, so I am not feeling totally guilty for being a couch potato these last two weeks. I have to say that her new teacher is awesome. Homework is so organized that Natalia can actually do it by herself without me having to spoon feed assignments to her. Amazing, right?! Okay, so let me recap some mommy daughter stuff since I haven't blogged in a while and my last blog was all "sad clown face" stuff:

The day before my surgery we hit the fair. We wised up this year and got the "ride until you puke" bracelets. Jeremy shouldn't have bothered because he evidently does not like to puke. I only came close to vomiting once on the Viper, but I had just had a beer. Classic. Natalia peer pressured me into going on the upside down rides which were totally fun. It's not that I don't like going upside down, or that it makes me sick. Let me just tell you that I have taken care of these carny folk a time or two and I totally don't trust the craftsmanship of rides put together by a man with a positive drug screen and a blood alcohol level of 0.25. We obviously lived to tell the tale. Can I tell you something else? I milked a cow. That's right! Yes, yes. Natalia milked her too, but I milked a cow. I don't know why I'm so impressed since I produced my own milk for half a year, but at the time it was the coolest thing ever. Natalia totally squirted the woman manning the "cow milking station" in the face. I thought it was funny. Hey, we got stickers and everything. Got milk?

Natalia has adjusted to her new school super well. Just so you know, the back of the bus is still THE coveted place to sit. Yep, that's where the cool kids want to hang and if you happen to go to Christine Donnell, then you get first dibs because Silver Sage kids get picked up second. It's kind of a big deal. Also, Porter has looked at Natalia AND asked to borrow her pencil eraser. She is expecting him to kiss her on the cheek next, but I let her know that boys that age really don't roll like that. I told her he is more likely to punch her in the arm. She was kind of disappointed, but said she would keep hoping. I tried to explain to her that boys that age just don't think about girls in that romantic kind of way at all. She just looked at me like I was speaking Chinese. I thought it best to change the subject. 

There is still an ongoing fascination with squirrels on the playground. Again, these are the animal varietal, not the strange human kind. I clarified. At her new school they no longer make "habitats", instead the girls gather nuts and acorns during recess, leave it in a pile where they think the squirrels may frequent, then recheck these areas during the next recess to see how much squirrel activity is going on. Natalia is very serious when she talks about this squirrel research. I asked why she cares so much and she looked at me with this distasteful and incredulous look and stated "They need food for the winter mom!" Um, okay. Sorry, but squirrels are rats with fluffy tails and are disgusting. We shall agree to disagree on the squirrel quarrel.

Lastly (for reals), it is amazing how independent Natalia has become over the summer. She scooters two blocks to her friends house and shows up later, usually after dinner. Then she'll head out again across the street until just before bed. The truth is, she would rather play with her friends than just hang out at home with Jeremy and I. No, I'm not obtuse, but up until this summer, she would have a couple play dates, but would mostly hang with Jer and I. Not so much anymore. She apologizes for it a bit because she says she misses us. Awe. Isn't she so cute you want to eat her up? I tell her that she's supposed to want to ditch us for her friends and that we'll always be here. I love having kids running in and out of our house, the phone calls back and forth, the impromptu sleep overs and friends over for dinner. Love it! It makes our house a home. I love the controlled chaos of children and pets and family. We have another Disneyland trip coming up the first week of December. Every vacation is super special with the three of us, but Jeremy and I were talking about how much we are really going to appreciate this one. We know that Natalia loves her friends time, but we are going to covet our time with her as our little Lacow trio where we get her all to ourselves. No friends, no boys, no squirrels. Just us, churros, Disney and "rides till you puke". 

Clarity and Corn Mazes

I love fall because this is when I know I get to gear up for the holidays and our yearly family vacation. Jeremy and I are pretty blatant about the fact we vacation on the off season because our goal is to get away from people. Can you blame us? Both of us have jobs that frequently involve humans who smell like blood and regurgitated alcohol, who scream at us. We are going to pull our sweet cherub out of school to sneak away while the majority of the populous is otherwise occupied with jobs and school. You would think this would keep the blood and alcohol thing to a minimum. Go figure, but it's job security for both of us.

So what has been going on? Well, first and foremost, Natalia has got glasses. Not those sneaky non-prescription "attitude" glasses that show up in school pictures unbeknownst to the parenthood until the photos are sent home and we can't pick our kid out of the student lineup. Nope, the real thing. Natalia asked "Mom, do you notice how every pair I try on looks good on my face?" Yes, baby. I know. She posed this as a questions, but I think she was saying more as a statement. How does Natalia explain the marvel of her new clarity? "Mom! I can see the makeup on their faces.  Can you see the makeup on their faces?" This is her observation of the actors on TV from the table viewing area during dinner. Aw, poor thing. It is sad not to be able to see all the great makeup options during "Once Upon a Time". The princesses are so pretty. I do like how she thinks her vision is not only improved, but now must be better than Jeremy or mine. We just go with it because she is an 8 year old girl and there are plenty of battles during the day to be waged. It's about the war people, not every battle is won.

Other than that, family outings have included hiking in the foothills (which was her pick and she complained about the exertion the entire time) and the corn maze hosted by Jeremy's work. We were kind of disappointed this year because there were some budget cuts and we missed out on our annual bag of donuts. We did however indulge in the roasted corn. Um, two ears of corn that we swap back and forth between the three of us. I don't know which ear started where, but we all end up happy with junk stuck in our teeth. This year they had tether balls set up. What started out as a cute "just hitting it back and forth" to play with Natalia, got all competitive in a take-your-jacket-off and throw it down kind of way. It was a bit of a spectacle, but Jeremy and I get a little carried away, much to Natalia's annoyance. What can I say? You meet someone in high school and you just stick with that same playful competitive mentality - even into middle age. Or maybe that is just us.

I actually hate the corn maze part. It is five miles boring to me. You walk around, it is five degrees cooler, I'm waiting for Satan and Malachi from Children of the Corn to come out, and it is really just a time waster because I have no sense of direction and can't read that map. Here is what I have learned to do as a solution - put Natalia in the lead and follow her. You would think we would get totally lost, but this child has her father's sense of direction. She leads us here and there, but after ten minutes always finds her way back to the original path and out of the maze from the same place we started EVERY TIME. Now her sense of direction isn't so great as for her to know that we are right back where we started and she feels this tremendous sense of accomplishment and Jeremy and I tell her how amazing she is. See. Everyone wins.

This year we actually bought pumpkins from the pumpkin patch. I'm a girl who loves options, so there was a patch side for baby pumpkins, regular pumpkins, and designer pumpkins. Now we didn't know about the afore mentions budget cuts ahead of time and didn't bring a lot of cash with us, so we headed over to the baby side. Now that I think of it, those pumpkins are still in the bottom of my purse and cost us a whopping $.35. That's right. Big ballers. 

So here I am hanging out, just me and the dog because Natalia has ditched me once again for her friends. She is sleeping over at Kayla's because Kayla wouldn't be down with my Halloween decorations. Natalia is very proud of them and isn't bothered by my "stab man" sillhouette. Halloween is more fun now that she is older and I can make the decorations more scary, but the payoff is that her costumes for the next few years will always be mostly pretty. I am kind of tired of explaining Draculora to my friends and where she falls on the Disney Princess to Bratz doll skank scale. Oh well. I remember wanting to dress like Madonna and singing "Like a Virgin" and "Papa don't Preach". It could be worse. 

Speaking of Disney, our vacation is only five weeks away. Finally Jeremy and I will have Natalia all to ourselves for a week without the option of her ditching us for her friends. It will be Thanksgiving, Disney, then right on into Christmas. After that there is nothing to do but snowboard the winter away.

Love, Hate and Strawberry Ice Cream

Let me tell you about this girl I know. She's kind of a witch with a 'b'. She says horrible things like "Obviously you can't get your stuff together and people are going to know what a failure you are." or "If you stop obsessing about being perfect it is because you are just giving up on yourself. Once you do that, you are going to be a fat slob with no family and no friends. Anyone who tells you that you are okay like you are is a liar and just waiting for you to be weak." She's really a downer and pretty horrible. I've tried to distance myself from her for a long time and even have tried to shut her up. She's so damn persistent. Obviously, she is me.

This is a pretty dark skeleton in my closet that only a couple people know about - well, until now. Getting this out in the open just proves that I am not perfect, and not just in a "oh, I get split ends too!" kind of way. It's in a messed up in the head, working on my stuff, lots of baggage kind of way. Not only that, but this is the one thing I hide most from Natalia. Why? Because I don't want her to somehow think it's okay to talk smack about herself the way I do. She's supposed to be a better version of me - not this "filled with sawdust and vanity" kind of me. 

Some people blame the media for posting unrealistic and photo-shopped images of women, airbrushed to perfection, but I know better. I don't want to be perfect because I want to be camera ready. I want to be perfect because I live with the constant fear that if I'm not, I will be rejected. It's exhausting and often gets the better of me. I'm writing about this now because I am up by 10 pounds and need a haircut. I've decided to name my hateful inner voice Jodi because I don't want it to really be me who says all this stuff. Jodi will not shut up about the 10 pounds and what a failure I am because of it. The sane me knows that it really has nothing to do with 10 pounds. I've had a rough summer and feel more than a little out of control. I know I am still smaller than the national average, but I don't compare myself to the national average. I compare myself to perfection - as unrealistic as I know that is.

As a total hypocrite, I preach on about this aspect of parenting as "do as I say, not as I do." Natalia is too young for me to explain this to her and I am hoping that knowing her family has her back and loves her, faults and all, will dissuade her inner Jodi from wreaking havoc like she does for me. I am constantly using little "Full House Monologues" to tell Natalia that she should be real, not perfect. I tell her things like "Just because people don't like strawberry ice cream doesn't make strawberry ice cream bad. It just means it isn't for everyone." and "You're supposed to make mistakes. It's okay, I love you for the whole package, not just the 'right' stuff." Saying this to myself was supposed to be my summer homework while a took a few months off of therapy. I'm failing miserably, to Jodi's delight.

So what's the point of this blog? Eventually Natalia will read it and know that I am not perfect. That sounds scary to me because I'm afraid I'll lose some street cred with her. My sane part (yes, it is in there) tells me that showing Natalia I have BIG faults, make BIG mistakes and have REAL struggles will make her willing to cut herself some slack. On some cosmic parent/child level, Natalia wants to be just like me and I want her to be kind of like me - just the neat and understanding parts of me. Eventually I will put into practice this show and tell of faults  and my Jodi that hides under the surface, so she'll know that everyone has their own set of demons. Everyone has imperfections and baggage and she needs to learn to accept all of herself. Even the ugly parts. I hope she figures out that God loves the whole gestalt, so maybe I can learn from her how to put that in effect. I will be this Yoda Jodi master who will shut that bitch up, or at least quiet her down to something less significant. Laying this out means that I am allowing people to see me as I really am, not this facade that I try and keep up. It just walls me off. 

So here is to me being painfully honest and vulnerable. Here is to giving Natalia a chance to know all of me, so when my true colors show out (they always do) she won't be blown away by the realization she didn't know me like she thought she did. That is way more painful sounding than having a mommy with a twisted self image and enough crazy to name her alter ego. Lastly, here is to her being a better version of me.

Summer Lovin'

This summer has been quite the eye opening experience for all of us here. We have learned to deal with loss as a family, Natalia turned into quite the swimmer (only by way of goggles, of course), and we have said goodbye to one dog while welcoming in a new dog to our family. The next step will be her adventures in a new school, but I'll get to that in another post.

The thing that has Jeremy and I shell shocked is how Natalia would rather spend time with her friends than hang with he and myself. I know! At age 8 and she has already figured out that her friends are more her style. Every week is the same thing: "I don't want to go to Bodies in Motion (daycare), I want to just be with my friends." You are probably asking the same question I am - "um, why don't you have friends at Bodies in Motion?" Word of advice, don't ask that question. It has a lengthy and dramatic answer which is circular in nature and never really answers the question. I don't let it stress me because every time I've picked her up, another girl is trying to give her "creepy hugs" goodbye. Not to mention I've watched her at play with her friend and can attest that she is no social leper. I have to remember that all this is her perception, her world, not my adult view. Still, she's fine. 

So this summer has been play dates (that's what it is called now as opposed to just playing with friends), sleep overs, swim overs, and all in all just ditching Jeremy and I. It is kind of nice to go to a barbecue and let the kids run and almost kill each other while we have adult talk with adult beverages, but kind of weird at the same time. It's a far cry from the days of a toddler hanging on our arms and every word. 

Speaking of learning new adult things, Natalia's animal kingdom view was broadened greatly yesterday. Imagine this summer picture, if you will: Warm day, kids running and playing through the house and and on the trampoline, hot dogs, adult drinks and a couple of goofy labs running around just to round out this scene. Well wouldn't you know that these labs were both male and trying to one up each other. Now when I say one up each other, I really mean mount each other. Yep. Every chance they could get. Shameless. 

A couple of times Jeremy and I were able to redirect Natalia's attention or she simply was not around to see this Discovery Channel display. Of course, it is when we are all gathered around in the living room getting ready to head off to the neighborhood pool that those guys go at it. They go at it in front of a gigantic window with fascinated 8 year old eyes to behold this non-procreational glory. Natalia shouts to the room "Look at the dogs playing? What are they doing? It looks like that one is doing push ups on the other one!" It was at this moment Natalia gets down on the floor to show us her version of downward dog push ups. I haven't laughed that hard in weeks. It really needed no further explanation. I'll let her keep that exercise explanation of alpha males in the dog world.

So now we are at the end of summer. Natalia has pulled away from us and grown into the next shoe size. She has loved and said goodbye to her dog Chance, and welcomed into our home Miley (no, not like the Cyrus). She's wiped out on the tube pulled behind the boat and wanted to go back for more. It's harder and harder to get a picture of her face, because she is always heading off in the right direction. Sometimes I wish this independence would translate into her finding her own snacks or making her own breakfast, but really, what would I have left?

Because the time has flown by so quickly, I have lightened up a bit. Soon she will be locking the bathroom door and we will no longer have our singing competition while drying her hair. The dog will be in our house longer than she will at this point. One day she will figure out that those weren't push ups after all. It will probably be some other kid on a playground since I have already had the human procreation speech once and that was enough. Still, I have those time when I creep into her room once she is asleep and see the baby that I held in my arms 8 years ago and can smell her sweaty, drooliness that will never change. Summer is going to be over, but I am so ready for the next thing - even if all my pictures of her are of the back of her head.

Who is That Girl I See?

So I'm sure you didn't get the formal press release, but Natalia turned 8 last week. I know, I know. How could you have missed it with the national holiday, parade and half off at Starbucks, but it has come and gone. Yet we are still in the throws of celebration here in Lacowland. As I speak I am typing on a monstrosity of a laptop so Jeremy can labor through millions of pictures and videos to make our annual birthday homage to Natalia. When I put it that way it does sound rather creepy, but we do make a video.

I so look forward to this video every year because I get to reflect back on how much fun we have had and how much my little boogerface has grown up. Usually by now I have taken more time to watch her other videos and cry those proud mama tears because my baby is so cute and growin' up so darn fast. I'll do that later. I know I have whined about some sassiness so I am going to take this opportunity to be all Pollyanna and reflect on the fabulous things that you just can't get out of the baby/toddler years. Deep sigh- and reflection.....

1. Cussing accountability. She knows the words, they spew out of my mouth like pea green exorcist vomit when I get pulled over and not only does she call me out on it, but she tells daddy. Tonight I only made the "shhhh" noise when I burnt dinner. She still told daddy.

2. Girl talk. We talk about nails, hair, shopping, working out, what's going on with her friends, what's going on with my friends. These are real conversations now with a real and very opinionated person. It's nice.

3. She showers herself. This may seem like no big deal, but now I get to cruise Pinterest for 10 minutes and I am pretty sure she will get the shampoo rinsed out of her hair. We still get to bond while I blow dry her hair. It's a test of who can out-sing whom over the loud hum of the hairdryer. We both have excellent range and voices that can carry all the way to the garage. Don't let Jeremy fool you. He loves it.

4. She thinks she knows more than I do and that she doesn't need me, sort of. This is the hardest thing to swallow this past year, but I am determined to embrace it and this is why: She wants to be independant, so we are doing something right. Last night I explained to her what a "mean" mommy really was and that she needed to think of another way to explain her frustrations with me. Tonight she thought of another way (of course). She called me into her room after Jeremy put her to bed to tell me that when she says I am "mean", she really means that I am just "strict". Okay. I can handle that. Then she told me the Icy Hot I put on my neck was burning her nostrils and that she wanted me to get out of her room, but to check on her later.

5. She's happy.

I am starting to see a few personality trends that I don't think will go away for a while. I am picturing a high school age girl crying during homework and singing while blow drying her hair. I'm sure I am going to be "mean" for a few more years and that Jeremy and I could still say the EXACT same thing and she would only argue with me. Then again no one in the family seems to have the same gravitational pull like I do either, so it all evens out. I can't even go to the bathroom without it ending up being a family event. Even the dog makes an appearance. I'll get a book and hide out in Natalia's room in the mommy chair because it is the least used room in the house and all of a sudden every one (including the dog) is in her room rolling on the bed, laughing, barking, then yelling at the dog, then asking me questions. I really only get about 15 minute of hiding before they seek me out.

So this leaves my relationship with Natalia in a strange place. Sometimes I am the person that she can't stand and can't be without. I know it has her just as baffled as it does me and I have enough love to carry both of us through the confusion. All I know is that I like her a lot, and lover her "like five miles much".