My Heart Goes Out.

Some things are better left to Jeremy, and I'm okay with that. That is my stance on how to handle the murders of all the children and adults in Connecticut. It's not like we let Natalia watch the evening news, but we both knew that she was going to hear about it and it's best coming from us. Jeremy stopped by the ER tonight with Natalia to drop off a fleece for me, but while we made contact in the (momentarily) empty ambulance bay he did mention how he handled telling her. He started by explaining in very broad and simple terms what happened and wanted her to know that she is safe. In his moment of trying to explain that, his love for her made him get a little emotional. It's hard to look at such a lovely and alive child and think that someone could just steal that away in seconds. It's such a sinking tragedy.

While Jeremy was trying to reconcile out loud to Natalia that we don't know why God allows things like this to happen, Natalia started to soothe daddy. She let him know that God is with these people and children and that it's going to be okay. God has this; breathe deep.

It shakes me sometimes how deep her soul can be. Here is this little thing who two weeks ago I was carrying through Disneyland, and now she is spiritually soothing her dad. It sounded like he needed it. It's scary to think the most precious thing could be taken by forces completely out of our control. There is no bicycle helmet that could have prevented these deaths, no swim lessons, not even more diligent parenting. It's earth shattering to realize how little control we have.

So hopefully this will sit still enough in my heart to remember that I really don't care that Natalia's report card is mostly full of twos and that she cries during homework. Those parents right now would give anything, I'm sure to hear their baby cry about homework. I'm not going to get so frustrated for a while that Natalia left her jammies in a trail across the living room floor. I'd hate to have to put those jammies away forever. I know I haven't had an uninterrupted night of sleep on the days she is home for eight years, but God may I never know the day that my baby is gone and would no longer come running into my room for drinks, leg aches, nightmares, or just because she missed me.

While it is hard to not let fear hover in my life as a mom, I'll try not to let this weigh so heavily that I fiercely hold on to Natalia. After all, she still needs to be her little free spirited self, and still has to figure out her way in this world. When her life gets a bit shaky and overwhelming, God may Jeremy and I always be the lighthouse that brings her back home to take a breather. I still stand on my belief that there are more good and wonderful people than the horrible. I refuse to believe otherwise.