Let's Hear it for The Mothers Who Give Up

These have already died

There are a few things that I just surrender to: I give in to the fact that when I plant something in my yard, there is a 50/50 chance on its survival; I surrender to the fact my dog will always eat poop, dirt, rocks and on occasion a car bumper (true story); I give it all up that I am raising Natalia without a manual and by the seat of my all loving pants paired with fancy heels for that pop of color every outfit needs.

Now, this doesn't mean that I idly sit by looking at certain aspects of life like those Willy Wonka pictures on Pinterest. No, I read the instructions before I plant the food/flowers; I follow my dog around outside with a can of pressurized dusting spray to scare him out of his pica habit; and I hit up my fellow mommy divas for advice on Natalia stuff, read a couple of books and sometimes just ask Natalia "Um, what am I supposed to do about this. Is this something I should worry about?" She usually tells me "No" which snaps me out of my mamma drama and back to reality where I think much more clearly. I mean, the girl kept telling me she "has no friends", crying, but every time I see her at a social event she is the center of some girly gaggle. She finally moved on to complaining about another drama. Oh, I did ask her teacher just to make sure this wasn't some Degrassi Junior High after school special thing. Her teacher and I agree. Natalia is fine and needs a nap.

So what is all this giving up talk about? Well, some of you know from my facebook that I am getting baptized on Sunday the 30th. The topic of baptism is kind of funny to me because there is such a broad spectrum of beliefs about it. Since this is my blog, I'm going to tell you how I came to where I am (succinctly I promise) and then yes, it will be about mommy-ness too.

So I was baptized when I was 7, not that my church had an age thing, like "Let's baptize our children around this time when they understand". No, it was my own choice, but it was made out of fear. Ok mommies, think about your child when he/she is 7. They NEVER want to be apart from you and if your child is like mine, she even made plans to find a fantastic husband (that daddy and I approve of) and move in to our house because she never wants to leave home. Home is that place that fills up that soul spot between your heart, liver and spleen and you just love even the thought of home so much. At 7 you can't imagine anything else taking that spot. Now when I was 7 I finally grasped that God was great, Satan was "bad", baptized people when to heaven and if you missed that bath, well you went to hell away from your family and God. In my 7 year old mind, if I died the next day (or in my sleep as I was worried about) I would have missed my chance and would be away from my family forever, stuck in hell with some monster. I told my mom that I HAD to get baptized that night. The water in the church baptistery couldn't even wait to be warmed I was so afraid and convicted at the same time. It was cold and gross. Now I see that even though God loves me, He had to be laughing. I mean, if Natalia told me that story, I would have been cracking up and blogging all about it - after I told her that is not how it goes AT ALL. 

Okay, so here I am one year ago at the fabulous age of 35, and one of my BFF's gets up from church and walks through a faux door on stage symbolizing that she was ready to take that next step in her life. I totally didn't get it at the time, but it brought me to tears (because I love her so much) and also made me SO uncomfortable. I was like, well I'm already baptized, so I'm cool, I just need to work harder and get involved. Maybe I'll read my bible in a year or something. I kept asking God "Please take my family" in the sense of "take care of them" so I would take that burden off of me - the control freak. I know this will shock all of you, but I actually make a terrible god. I just have too much in my mind to do everything that is required and frankly - ain't nobody got time for that.

Okay, we are back to the future and the other Sunday they made this benign announcement of baptisms on the Sunday coming up. Well it was like they just announced a pop quiz in high school. That sinking, excited feeling of "yeah, I think I'm ready; am I ready?" So on the way home that night I told Jeremy my decision and of course my BFF.

So what does this mean? I mean, y'all can be like: "Oh, congratulations Shauna" and secretly wondering if I am going to come knocking on your door now asking if you are aware Jesus is your personal Savior. Um, no. I only answer the door to strangers dropping off my latest Amazon purchase and girl scouts selling cookies. It a good rule to follow. In all cases, just teach your dog to bark while looking out the side door window at them. No, it means I am no longer going to try and clean up the mess I have made. I am not going to try and be perfect or go down some laundry list of to-do's to try and earn my way to a good relationship with God. My real friends know I am a mess, love me when I am off the chain and have to apologize and sorry girls, but God is way bigger than that. 

So after this baptism I will still cuss (although it was my New Years resolution to quit), I will still get mad at slow drivers on the road, I will still be a dramatic mess constantly trying to orchestrate my universe from time to time. I'm totally a work in progress. The point is, I'm His work in progress, not mine. I'm not supposed to be anything because I'm just supposed to let God do things in and around my life while I watch the beauty of it all. How easy is that! No wonder all these Jesus people are all excited when they get this! As Jillian Michaels says in her Ripped in 30 workout, week one "Look up and just give it to God". Now at the time you are about to poop your pants with this ab hold thing, but you get the point. 

Ok, motherhood: What if I show Natalia that having a relationship with God is an inward struggle and that is okay? Mind blown. What if I show her that I finally surrender all my craziness to Him and just enjoy the life that is gifted all around me. No, I am not high right now, it's true. She is such a little type-A just like me, but what I am about to start living (and am living now because come on, it's just water) is that you don't have to have it all figured out to hang out with perfection. My girlfriend last night poignantly said it when she stated "We see each others faults and mistakes, God just sees us". Amazing. Just me, just like I am. I don't have to get Him to accept my mistakes because He doesn't even see them. That is a gift to pass on to Natalia.

So when my girlfriend and I sat to have this talk last night over burrito salads (It's Cafe Rio so you guys know what I'm talking about), Natalia went with us. Even though she was picking at my food after destroying her own and playing a game on my phone, I know she was listening. Sometimes as moms we are just living examples to very astute eyes. They watch how we handle life and mimic just that. I'm not surprised that when Natalia gets frustrated she lets out this animalistic growl through clenched teeth. That's what I do. The initial reason was to keep me from yelling out a profanity so in the scheme of things I am trending in the right direction. Needless to say, she is still watching. 

I want her to make her own decision about this. I told God that I am giving up my family to Him and that means I am giving up her relationship with Him for the two of them to work out. That means Jeremy too. It's time for me to frankly butt out and do my own thing, spend a little time with just God and I and stop trying to orchestrate my universe. She may find Him in her 20's, or she may take the long road. What I want her to find in it is a relationship of faith, not fear. I spent most of my life as a baby Christian in the fear of God lying to myself that this was all there was. Poof, I got it, I was wrong and this is much easier. 

So, after I made this decision I finished the book "The Shack" by WM Paul Young that my baby sister recommended to me. Oh, it was soooo good. It all made total sense to me. It could be fact, it could be fiction and that is my favorite kind of story. A real mystery -just like life. All this being said: Here is to giving in and soaking it up. I'm glad I finally made it here because it took a while. ©