Someday

Natalia has this great book Someday by Alison McGhee. It is about a mother's dream for her daughter. I can't get through this book without tearing up, so Natalia hid it from me for a while. I found it in her playroom on her art easel facing the wall. She was pretty adamant about me giving it a rest for a while.  When I found it and put it back into bedtime reading circulation she pointedly told me "You don't have to cry this time, okay mommy" and then patted me on the head. What can I say - I'm a total sap. 

I think about my dreams for her all the time, and those dreams are constantly evolving. She loves to draw and has a pretty good grasp on proportion and color, so I dream of her being an artist. She loves to sing and dance, so I dream about her being the next Gwen Stephani. She tells me that someday she wants to be a mommy just like me and I dream about playing with my grandchildren. Of course in that dream I still look like I'm 30 and she is a grown responsible adult. I'm not in a hurry for those grandkids, I just don't want to get old - but that is a different kind of dream involving Botox and Restylane. 

Sometimes being a nurse and a mother makes the former a little harder. I bear witness to parents who lose the dream for their child. A 17 year old who is a paraplegic,  a 9 year old carried away by the funeral home personnel, a 10 month old who died in her sleep during an afternoon nap. It shakes my soul to watch the parents grieve over their lost dream. Those are the nights when I go home and hold my little dream tightly and thank God for borrowed time. 

Natalia will be turning seven next week. I can't wait to enjoy whatever comes next. Every year has been fun and it just keeps getting better. Natalia is old enough now to read Someday to me. It works out well because I love listening to her sweet voice and I can tear up without choking on the words. It's the girl going away to college that gets me every time. It reads "Someday you will look at this house and wonder how something that feels so big can look so small." That is something that you really can't adequately describe - the sheer volume of love that fills your heart when you have a child.  I will continue to have hopes and dreams for Natalia, all the while keeping them to myself so I can see which path she decides to follow. She will have plenty of opportunities to gently pat me on the head and tell me that I don't have to cry this time. Not that it will change anything because, after all, I'm a total sap.