Being Home

Sometimes you get insight from the strangest places. Tonight I was trying to retreat from my real world into the reality world of some Beverly Hills Housewives and I was struck. All the way into my heart, started ugly crying in my pj's kind of struck. A mom was talking to her daughter about going off to college in a few weeks. I can't even fathom right now having Natalia leave the house to move out. I mean, seriously. I have to BEG her to bathe twice a week. She needs me. Anyway, Kyle (the mom) tells her little girl "I know a lot of parents tell their kids to finish what they start, but I want you to know if you are unhappy you can come home." Of course all three of us are crying - Kyle, the daughter and me in my pj's.

A lot of moms will (and I'm sure did) cry about this. I started to cry for a different reason. You see, I went to college to escape my life. When I left for college my mom was recently divorced from a heroin addict, alcoholic who physically and emotionally abused us. Even though they were divorced, he still came around periodically, hanging on like the stench on summer road kill. What I am saying is I had no home to go back to. No loving family who would be my safe harbor if I failed; no stability while I marched out in uncertainty. Just a dead end. While I know my mother loves me in all her capacity, it is not the kind of family love you want to hang your childhood dreams on. Failure was not an option. I incurred over $40K worth of student loan debt, and a large part because I left home for a college in Nashville. I had a scholarship in my own state of Georgia, but something inside me knew that if I didn't gain distance I wouldn't be able to cut free. I gave up the scholarship. I don't even think my mom knew anything about the scholarship, even to this day.

Once I got engaged a year and a half later I did move back in with my mom until I was married. I am grateful that she always had a room for me to come back to. At that point I had met the man of my dreams and started on a path towards my new life with my own direction. 

Family life is very different for Natalia. Jeremy and I are good people. A little nutty, but good people and we love her like crazy. This is what I want for Natalia: A safe harbor. A place where she can softly land if she feels like she made the wrong choice. When the chaos of the universe rocks her world too much, I want her to know she can come back to Jeremy and I to get centered again. I want her to always remember that hugs calm down most storms and there is always time for a family meeting on her bed. I want her to know how fiercely I love her and would lay down my world at her feet so she could have half the happiness she brings me. I want her to know that daddy and I are her home. I don't care how old she is, how heavy she is or how many degrees she gets - she will always fit perfectly in my arms.